The Mother (Nature) Of Stupid Complaints

| GA, USA | Crazy Requests, Hotels & Lodging, Pets & Animals

(I’m a night auditor, and the only staff member on duty. I see that the office phone is being rung from a room that has only just checked in:)

Me: “Front desk. How may I help you?”

Irate Guest: “How dare you rent me this room! There are bugs! Oh, my God! Bugs!”

Me: “I’m so very sorry, ma’am. The exterminator comes regularly to prevent this sort of thing, and we have an excellent housekeeping department, but this being Georgia, and the rooms opening to the outside, sometimes it happens. Would you like to move to a different room, or would you prefer a refund?”

Irate Guest: “Well, a different room won’t do me any good. The bugs are all over the place outside. In the shrubs and around the lights and just everywhere!”

Me: “Wait. You called to complain because there are bugs outdoors?”

Irate Guest: “Yes! I’ve never seen such horrible things in my life!”

Me: “Ma’am, your registration information shows me that you live in Florida. I’ve been to Florida. Y’all have bugs.”

Irate Guest: “I just want a refund.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t give you a refund based on the fact that you think we should remove bugs from the great outdoors. You can talk to the manager in the morning.”

 

(The guest slammed the phone down. Minutes later, I saw her car speed out of the parking lot. I briefed the owner/manager the following morning. We had a good laugh, and an even better one after guest came back to demand her refund.)

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Naked And Unafraid

| Enschede, The Netherlands | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(We get a lot of ‘dirty’ calls because it is a toll-free number. This one guy is a ‘regular.’)

Me: “Good morning, this is [Company]. [My Name] speaking.”

Customer: *heavy breathing* “So… what colour undies are you wearing?”

Me: “Sir, it’s Monday. On Monday we don’t wear clothes. It’s policy.”

(I disconnect the call, smiling at the man’s stunned silence. One minute late my coworker gets a call. All I hear is:)

Coworker: “Oh, naked sir. It’s Monday after all!”

(He hung up and we had a good laugh about it.)

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Was Dying The First Time

| Hampton, VA, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

(I am working in a call center that takes calls for 800 numbers people see on psychic hotline commercials. The deal is we tell you the cost and then give the actual 900 number.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Psychic Line].”

Caller: “Help! I spilled my fish bowl on the bed and my fish is dying! He’s just flopping around! What do I do?”

Me: “Umm… what?”

Caller: “My fish is dying! What do I do?”

Me: “Put him in another bowl?”

Caller: “Thank you! This will save him!” *laughs* “Sorry, man, just thought you might be able to use a laugh tonight.”

Me: “Yeah, always appreciate that. Have a good one.”

(Two calls later:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Psychic Line].”

Caller: “Help! I spilled my fish bowl and my fish is dying!”

Me: “Dude, it’s me again.”

Caller: “Oh, hey, isn’t that funny.”

Vacationing At The School Of Repetition

, | UK | Extra Stupid, Hotels & Lodging, Money

(The phone rings.)

Me: “Good afternoon, School of Medicine, how may I help you.”

Caller: “Yes, my credit card number is 574…”

Me: “Excuse me, why are you giving me your credit card number?”

Caller: “I’m paying my room bill.”

Me: “Your… room bill? We don’t take any outside bookings for our teaching rooms…”

Caller: “No, no, no, the room I was staying in.”

Me: *realisation hitting* “Oh. I think you might have the wrong number, sir. This is the School of Medicine, part of [University].”

Caller: “… you’re not the Hilton Hotel?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Caller: “Oh.”

(He hangs up. I put the receiver down, and I’m just about to turn to my colleagues and comment on the strange call I just received when the phone goes again.)

Me: “Good afternoon, School of Medicine. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Good afternoon. My credit card number is 574…”

Me: “Um, sorry, sir, but you’ve dialled the wrong number again; you’re through to the School of Medicine.”

Caller: “What? Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I’m sure.”

Caller: “Oh.”

(He hangs up again. I turn to my colleagues and manage to say ‘that was weird,’ when the phone goes again.)

Me: “Good afternoon, School of Medicine.”

Caller: “Oh, you’re joking!”

Me: “Hello again, sir. No, you’re definitely ringing the wrong number.”

Caller: “But it can’t be. I put the number in right the first time!”

Me: “The first time? The first time you got through to me?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “And did you try putting the number in again the other times?”

Caller: “Well, of course not. That’s why I have redial on my phone!”

(At this point, I have to look up, remove the phone from my ear and breathe deeply through my nose in order not to break into convulsions of laughter.)

Me: “Sir, do you have something with the Hilton Hotel’s number on it?”

Caller: “Yes, I have their booking confirmation.”

Me: “Can you tell me the number?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s 9079 XXXX.”

Me: “I see the problem. Our number is 9097 XXXX. You need to hang up again and dial the correct number this time.”

Caller: “Oh.” *click*

(It took me nearly a minute after he hung up the final time before I managed to start telling my colleagues what had just happened.)

Related:

Laziness Is The Father Of Repetition

Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose

| London, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Food & Drink, Religion

(I and my girlfriend work at the same restaurant, I’m the head chef and she’s the manager. We’re both women and although we don’t hide our relationship, we don’t flaunt it either. My girlfriend has finished for the day and the owner has come in to cover her. She comes into the kitchen to say goodbye to everyone and kisses me (a very brief kiss on the lips) then leaves. Five minutes later the owner comes in to me to say a complaint has been made by a customer regarding a ‘lesbionic’ relationship.)

Owner: “This woman’s being a right b**** about it, saying she won’t pay for her meal, it ruined her night, it’s blasphemous, and everyone’s going to Hell.”

Me: “She’s one of those. I’ll go deal with her.”

(I go to the customer and introduce myself as the head chef. She’s about 30, expensively dressed (her dress looks silk but the belt, collar, & cuffs are sequined), lots of jewellery, and a tattoo on her ankle of rosary beads. She’s with a man a little older that her, clean shaven, short back and sides hair cut.)

Customer: “The food was delicious. Are you in charge? Do you know you have lesbians in your kitchen? Maybe you should tell them not everyone wants to see that sort of thing. It’s terribly upsetting and offensive to my religious beliefs.”

(I have done my fair share of reading on the subject of homosexuality and the Bible, so I have an answer well prepared for people like her.)

Me: “Have you read the Bible? Timothy 2:9 says ‘I want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not adorning themselves with gold or pearls or expensive clothes.’ That’s some nice jewellery you’re wearing. It also says, Leviticus 19:19 ‘Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.’ Your silk dress is beautiful, as are the collar and cuffs. In a different material. It also says Leviticus 19:28 ‘Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves.’ I like your rosary tattoo. It also says Leviticus 19:27 ‘Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.’ Your husband looks very smart tonight. It also says Leviticus 11:8 ‘You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.’ And Leviticus 11:10 ‘And all that have not fins and scales in the seas and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you.” I believe they refer to pork and shellfish. How was your ‘surf & turf?’ We only use the best pork sausages and finest lobster.”

(The man sits there with his head bowed but the woman stares at me with pure hatred.)

Me: “Now, I don’t know about you but it seems silly that you are willing to overlook all those sins about yourself and focus on one thing that isn’t even mentioned in the Bible. If I was as judgemental as you I would say you only kicked up a fuss to get out of paying for you meal. But that’s like stealing. I’ll send a waitress over with your bill.”

(I went back to cooking. I could hear a couple of other customers laughing at the woman. The husband paid, leaving a big tip. I could see them outside having what looked like a pretty good argument!)

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