A CPU And A Very Fast Drive

| NY, USA | Technology, Transportation

(In the mid 1990s my friend has a new CPU on the way to his house and is a little too eager to get it installed. He calls the dispatcher of the delivery company. The dispatcher tells him the driver is making an exchange with another driver and he can meet them there. My friend drives out to the exchange site.)

Driver: “Aren’t you the guy my driver just called about 10 minutes ago?”

Friend: “Yes.”

Driver: “Your house is a 30 minute drive from here.”

Friend: “Yes.”

Driver: “You made a 30 minute drive in 10 minutes?”

Friend: “Yes.”

Driver: “Have you ever considered becoming a driver for us?”

‘V’ For Victory

| Portland, OR, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Language & Words

(I work in a call center that offers referrals for mental health clinicians. This lady has been chewing my ear off about how she can’t find anyone in her area, despite there being around 50 clinicians within 20 miles of her.)

Caller: “I have to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. NO NURSE PRACTITIONERS!”

Me: “Okay.”

Caller: “I need to see someone who is an actual professional.”

Me: “Well, nurse practitioners are licensed professionals. They actually can prescribe medication, whereas a PhD can’t.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t want to deal with someone who couldn’t make it in medical school.”

Me: “No psychologist in your area went to medical school, either.”

(This goes on for a few minutes, until I find her a clinician that fits her picky standards.)

Me: “So the provider’s name is Tivoli. ‘T’ as in Tom, ‘I’ as in Idaho, ‘V’ as in Victor, ‘O’ as in—”

Caller: “Hold it, hold it! What the h*** do you mean ‘C’ as in Victor? Are you brain-dead or something? There’s no ‘C’ in Victor!”

Me: “Well, for one thing, there is. It’s the third letter. And for another, I said ‘V’ as in Victor.”

Caller: “Oh. I thought you said ‘C.'”

Me: “That’s why I gave you a phonetic word. To avoid that very confusion.”

Caller: “Still… *she had nothing to follow this*

Lack Of Touching Sentiment

| Kansas City, MO, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Health & Body

(I am working on the teller line when a customer comes into the lobby. He smells like he hasn’t bathed all week, and his hands are filthy. Also, our bank requires customers who don’t have an account with us to put a thumbprint on the front of any checks they cash. This is a fairly common procedure at many banks.)

Customer: “I’d like to cash this check.”

Me: “Okay, if I could just get your thumbprint on the check…” *holds out ink pad*

Customer: *raising his hands and backing away* “I am NOT touching THAT. I don’t know where it’s been. It could have Ebola. I gotta protect myself.”

Me: “You do realize the cash you are getting has been more places than this ink pad has right?”

Customer: “Well, yeah, but I don’t have any idea who’s been touching that pad. They could’ve picked their nose and then touched it for all I know.”

(I count out his cash, and right before he leaves he grabs a pen off the counter, that EVERY SINGLE other customer has touched, and says:)

Customer: “Is it okay if I take this?”