Ask A Silly Question…

| MO, USA | Awesome Workers, Bizarre, Books & Reading

(I am in charge of our text service at the library where I work. We had a patron for a time who delighted in pranking us with odd or silly questions. We generally handle such instances in a very professional manner, but one evening when the patron texted in, I decided it was time to fight back.)

Patron: “How do I get to the library?”

Me: “The same way you get to Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice.”

Patron: “Is there any way I can practice watching the live NFL draft in the library?”

Me: “Nope. So sorry. Try [Local Bar].”

Patron: “But I have a final test tomorrow.”

Me: “Then [Local Bar] probably isn’t a great idea.”

Patron: “Thank you for your generous advice.”

Me: “Always thrilled to be of service.”

Patron: “I accidentally whispered on the quiet floor of the library. What are the repercussions?”

Me: “Death. There is no alternative. But on the bright side, your folks will probably get a hefty life insurance payout.”

Patron: “Unfortunately no one has yet insured my life. However if you are interested I can arrange for payments.”

Me: “Oh, that’s very sad. Maybe they don’t love you. You deserve parents who will put a price on your life.”

Patron: “Touché, library person!”

Me: *bows; exeunt stage left*

Must Think They Were Dragonborn Yesterday

| NB, Canada | Bizarre, Hotels & Lodging, Theme Of The Month

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “My name is warrior… and I’m lost.”

(Music plays in background, and the caller goes on about fighting and being lost.)

Me: “Can I have your name, sir?”

Caller: “My father was a paladin.”

(At this point my coworker took the headphones to listen in. It was a prank call, and at least it was entertaining.)

They’re Behind The ‘Shall Not Pass’ Signs

| Jewel Cave, SD, USA | Geeks Rule, Geography, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel

(We are on a group tour through caves, 200-300 feet underground. There are metal stairs and viewing platforms along the path. At each platform, a park ranger will describe what we are seeing, talk about the cave’s exploration history, and answer any questions. One question comes from a young teen girl on the tour. )

Girl: “Are there balrogs in these caves?”

Park Ranger: “Ball rocks?”

Girl: “BAL-rogs, from Lord Of The Rings?”

Park Ranger: “Uh, not that I know of…”

Giving You An Earful Over The Ears

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Crazy Requests, Geeks Rule, Theme Of The Month

(For those that don’t know, LARP is Live Action Roleplay. We sell a lot of realistic looking weapons that are safe to hit people with, but are actually foam. Some are historically based, others are pure fantasy. We are at a convention.  I’m helping another customer when a guy on the other end of the table starts getting agitated by something.)

Customer: “No, these aren’t right at all.”

Me: “Sorry, I’ll be with you in a minute.”

Customer: “They’re just not accurate.”

(Finishing with the other customer, I move over.)

Me: “Well, it’s LARP, not re-enactment, so some of our weapons won’t be historically accurate. In fact, many are outright fantasy weapons that would have been amazingly impractical for real use.”

Customer: “Not the weapons, idiot! These!”

(The customer holds up a pair of prosthetic elf ears.)

Customer: “Moon Elves’ ears DON’T look like THIS.”

Me: “Uh… I’m pretty sure with elves being fantasy they can look like whatever the designer wanted them to, so long as they’re kinda pointy at the end.”

Customer: “BUT THEY’RE NOT ACCURATE!”

I’ll Take A Groot Beer

| Cambridge, UK | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Geeks Rule, Theme Of The Month

(Sometimes we get customers in costumes who are in good humour if we name them instead of asking their name. We have a group come in who give themselves some DC-ent and MARVEL-ous names. I’m on the bar, making the drinks.)

Me: *with the Batman cup* “Good luck with the night shifts, Dark Knight.”

Batman: “Cheers!”

Me: *Superman* “Who’s the Man of Steel?”

Superman: “That would be me!”

Me: “Sorry, dude. I don’t have chocolate; is Kryptonite okay?”

Superman: “Go for it. It’s my day off.”

Me: *Rocket cup, looking at the last in the group* “Are you Rocket?”

Rocket: “I am Groot.”

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