Trying To Con The Family Business

| Exeter, England, UK | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers

(I take a male customer’s order with him constantly asking about prices.)

Customer: “Oh, can we have the family discount?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Yeah, I always get a discount here. The owner lets me.”

Me: “He hasn’t told me anything…”

Customer: “Yeah, the owner is my brother and he always gives me the family discount.”

Me: “Okay, then… let me just ask him.”

(I signal the owner over as the customer panics and goes bright red. His family also start nudging him.)

Me: “Uh, your brother wants a discount.”

(The customer sheepishly smiles as the owner explodes in happiness.)

Owner: “Oh, my God, Jenny! I didn’t know you’d had a sex change. If you wanted to do that you could have at least kept your hair. Also you’ve put on a h*** of a lot of weight and lost over a foot in height! Why would you do that?”

(The whole restaurant was looking and the customer’s family rushed him out quicker than the owner could continue talking. Some bosses are awesome.)

Failed At The Name Game

| Denver, CO, USA | Bizarre, Funny Names

(I work at an insurance agency in Colorado. There are only a few other people in my office, none of which are named Steve.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [Insurance Company]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “STEVE?!”

Me: “No, this is [My Name]. Can I help you with something?”

Customer: “Where is Steve?”

Me: “I don’t believe a Steve works here. Can I help you?”

Customer: “I just talked to Steve. I know there is a Steve there.”

(At this point I realize that it was the customer I just got off the phone with two minutes ago.)

Me: “Oh, yes! Let me go get Steve for you…” *I deepen my voice a little* “Hello, this is Steve.”

Customer: “Oh, hi, Steve! Can you tell [My Name] to just transfer my calls to you from now on? I don’t want to talk to him. He doesn’t sound like he knows what he is doing.”

Doesn’t Fit The Bill

| Scotland, UK | At The Checkout, Money, Tourists/Travel

(I work in a gift shop at a castle. A puzzled customer comes up to the till.)

Customer: “How much are your postcards?”

Me: “They’re 50 pence.”

Customer: “So 50p means 50 pence?”

Me: “Yep, they’re the same thing.”

Customer: “Okay, so, I have a certificate for 5.”

(We don’t do gift certificates to the best of my knowledge, so…)

Me: “Sorry; when you say certificate, what exactly do you mean?”

Customer: “It’s like a… bill?”

Me: “A five pound note?”

Customer: “A what?”

Me: *baffled* “May I ask where you’re from?”

Customer: “I’m from California.”

Me: “Right, well, basically, our pence are like your cents, and our pounds are like your dollars. It’s 100 pence to a pound.”

Customer: “OH! That makes so much more sense of all of your shops!”