Finally Closes The Sale

| Seattle, WA, USA | Crazy Requests, Theme Of The Month

(It is now 15 minutes past closing time. Several staff members have been helping a lady with a complicated question while her young son wanders around and plays with the merchandise.)

Me: “We need to get the store closed and all the lights turned off, so let me get you rung up at this register over here.”

(She wanders over to a display her son is looking at.)

Mother: “You can choose between these two items and I’ll buy it for you.”

Son: “I want this!” *chooses much more expensive item*

Mother: “No, I’m not buying you that. Choose between these two.”

(The argument goes on for a few minutes. Finally:)

Mother: “All right, I’m choosing for you. This one.”

(She brings the item to me, and I ring it up with her other purchases.)

Me: “That’ll be [total].”

(She opens her wallet and slowly starts counting out exact change. I wince internally and say nothing; it’s now 25 minutes past closing. I take her money and hand her a receipt.)

Me: “Thank you so much! I’ll walk you out, since I need to lock the door behind you.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks.” *cellphone rings, she answers* “Oh, hi! Yeah, just finishing up.”

(She continues to stand there and talk on her cell, very slowly putting her wallet away and showing no sign of hurrying. Eventually, with me standing there holding the door open, she makes her way to the exit, still talking on the phone. I lock the door behind her and go back into the main room, where my coworkers (who have been wrangling other reluctant-to-leave customers) are standing there looking exhausted.)

Me: “Who’s buying the first round?”

Doesn’t Work Its Magic On Some Customers

| San Diego, CA, USA | Books & Reading, Geeks Rule, Religion

(An adult shopping for her child picks up a book from the ‘Magic: The Gathering franchise’.)

Me: “Oh, that’s a great one, especially if you play the card game.”

Patron: *looking at the cover* “This art is really cool. What’s it about?”

Me: “That one is about a couple of mages who are working on a inter-dimensional teleporter, and some of the politics surrounding the mage’s school they work at.”

Patron: “Is it… you know… violent?”

Me: “A bit. Nothing you won’t see in any modern action movie though. I’d rate it PG.”

Patron: “Oh, awesome. I’ll take the whole series.”

(We have 20 books in the franchise.)

Me: “Great! So, is your kid into fantasy and magic and such? We have lots of—”

Patron: *gasps* “MAGIC?!”

Me: “… Yeah?”

Patron: “You mean… like WITCHCRAFT?!” *crosses herself and runs out*

No Real Cause For Concern

| USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests

(I work at a very busy furniture store that is often out of stock of popular items and is constantly changing stock. A customer demands an item that has been discontinued and is no longer displayed as current merchandise. A manager and I find out there is an order of one left coming in but the date is unknown and a week later explains to the customer that the date is set to arrive a month from now.)

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but the merchandise you ordered isn’t expected to come in until the 31st, so—”

Customer: “What do you mean the 31st!? This is not acceptable.”

Me: “Ma’am, we have no control over the expected date. We no longer carry it on our floor and a final order has been fulfilled for you at the expected date but we will—”

Customer: “No, that is not acceptable. No one told me it was no longer available. You need to make this right for me.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, before you started talking I was trying to tell you we would refund your money for delivery since you are having to wait such a long period of time.”

Customer: “Well, you should apologize for that.”

Me: “Ma’am, I did apologize right before the first time you interrupted me.”

Customer: “You should do something to make me happy.”

Me: “Ma’am, after I apologized I offered you our delivery service for free which would normally cost you $120.”

Customer: “Fine. You should sound more concerned. Your voice didn’t sound sincere enough for me.”

Has No Bridge Over These Troubled Waters

| USA | Rude & Risque, Technology, Wild & Unruly

(I am a retail rep at a well-known cellphone carrier store.)

Customer: “I bought two phones two weeks ago. My brother’s doesn’t work. He says it has never turned on since he got it in the mail.”

(I pull up the account to view if the device has been in use. Before I see this info…)

Customer: “Oh, and how come his phone has a red square on the back but mine is white?”

(For those who don’t know cell phones have liquid damage indicators that turn white to red when exposed to liquid.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. This device has liquid damage and is not covered by the warranty. You also didn’t add insurance to this line.”

Customer: “So what does that mean?”

Me: “You have to continue to pay on the phone and get a new one if your brother needs a phone.”

Customer: “Well, that’s impossible. He said it never turned on since he got it.”

Me: “I see on the account the device was used for the first time on [date] and stopped use three days ago. It had been in use for nine days of the twelve days you have had service.”

Customer: “No, he would’ve told me if he got some liquid on it. That’s not possible.”

Me: “Well, pink indicates exposure. Red, which this is totally red, means the phone was drenched in liquid. He must have gotten significant amount of liquid on it.”

Customer: “So, you’re not gonna replace it?”

Me: “We can’t. You have no insurance and you voided the warranty with damage.”

Customer: “You’re telling me [Company] won’t back up the products they sell?”

Me: “We do. So long as you have insurance for accidental damage or if there is no damage for warranty exchanges. You have neither.”

Customer: “That doesn’t make sense. If I bought a car and there’s something wrong with it, the dealer would take care of it! The dealer would fix it for free!”

Me: “Not if you rammed the car into a building.”

Customer: “Well… If… So what? I gotta keep paying on the phone even though he can’t use it?”

Me: “Yes. You still owe $300 on it.”

Customer: “That’s outrageous! I’m not buying him a new phone. Cancel his line!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Although you have no contract therefore no early termination fee, your next bill will have a charge of $300 for the phone.”

Customer: “What?! What happened to paying it off monthly like I was told?”

Me: “As long as you have an active line you can pay it off monthly. You signed something that said the entire value of the phone is due immediately once service is canceled.”

Customer: “I will still have my line.”

Me: “The phone isn’t attached to your line. Yours is.”

Customer: “Well, don’t you all just HAVE ME BY THE BALLS. Y’ALL GOT ME BY THE BALLS!”

(He grabs all his stuff and starts to storm out.)

Me: “Have a nice day, sir.”

Customer: “BY THE BALLS!”

Read You Loud And Unclear

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Language & Words

(One of my coworkers is a quiet, well-spoken man normally, but has an astonishingly loud voice if he wants to shout. My manager is also the shop owner, has a great sense of humor, and likes to let him use that voice in situations.)

Customer: “A carton of [Brand] cigarettes, please.”

Coworker: “Yes, sir. What kind?”

Customer: “[Brand].”

Coworker: “Yes, sir. Twenties, thirties, mild menthol, filtered or plain?”

Customer: “[BRAND]!”

Coworker: *just as loud* “Yes, sir. Twenties, thirties, mild menthol, filtered or plain?”

Customer: *as loud as he can shout* “[BRAND]!”

Coworker: *louder than the customer; painful to the ears* “YES, SIR! TWENTIES, THIRTIES, MILD, MENTHOL, FILTERED OR PLAIN?!”

(The customer turns pale, and takes a step back.)

Customer: *normal voice* “Er, um, sorry. What?”

Coworker: *normal voice*  “Twenties, thirties, mild menthol, filtered or plain?”

Customer: “Oh. Twenties, filtered, plain. Thanks.”

(The customer paid, and then left, turning back, looking, and shaking his head in disbelief.)

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