Saving Money And Wasting Time

| Brighton, England, UK | At The Checkout, Money

(I work for a supermarket that has launched a ‘price promise.’ If you spend more in the supermarket than you might have spent in a competitors, the till system automatically prints a coupon for the difference. If you saved money over shopping with competitors, it prints a little ‘for information’ slip to tell you how much money you saved over going elsewhere.)

Me: “That’s £14.87 please, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh! I have this coupon! I can save 50p!”

(The customer hands me a ‘for information’ slip that is not actually a coupon.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid that’s an advice slip. You already saved your 50p on your last shop.”

Customer: “Exactly. So I get 50p off now, right?”

Me: “No, ma’am. This piece of paper says ‘You saved 50p’ and is for information only. If it was a coupon, it would have the writing ‘Save 50p off your next shop!’ instead.”

Customer: “So it’s a coupon?”

Me: “No, ma’am. It’s for information. If it was a coupon it would have the text as I described, and also a barcode beneath for me to scan to apply that discount. As there is no barcode, regrettably it is not a coupon, and unfortunately I cannot credit you with this 50p.”

Customer: “So why did they give me a coupon to save me money if I can’t actually save any money?”

Customer’s Husband: “FOR LORD’S SAKE, WOMAN! The lady has very nicely tried to explain several times that THIS IS NOT A COUPON. You ALREADY saved your money, so you can’t save it twice. Can we PLEASE just pay and go before people start questioning why I’ve not divorced you yet?”

Customer: “Oh. Sorry, dear.” *to me* “Sorry to you too, dear! I don’t understand why they gave me a coupon I can’t spend, though.”

Customer’s Husband & Me: “It’s not a coupon.”

Back To The Future

| FL, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Theme Of The Month

(I work in a store based around ‘The Old West,’ where the salespeople wear clothing reminiscent of the era. Halfway through the shift, a boy and girl around eight years old run into the store and up to me.)

Boy: *urgently* “What year is it?”

Me: “What?”

Girl: “What year is it??”

(I wonder for a moment if this is a trick question, and if I’m supposed to answer according to ‘The Old West’ theme.)

Me: “1826.”

Boy: “Are you sure?”

Me: *pulling out my old style pocket watch* “Pretty sure. Last time I checked it was 1826.”

Boy: *distraught, to the girl* “It didn’t work!”

Me: “Why? What answer were you expecting?”

Girl: “Somewhere in the 4000s!”

(They run out of the store and don’t come back.)

The Key To All Their Problems

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Extra Stupid, Transportation

(A customer drops his car off to do a trade-in, and will be meeting me later to finalize the paperwork. I go to his car to check the mileage, and find that it’s locked. I go back inside to get the keys.)

Me: “The guy’s car is locked. Did he happen to leave his keys with any of you?”

Coworker: “No, why don’t you try calling him?”

(I call the customer.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, sir, we have your car here. I was trying to get in and it’s locked. Where did you put your keys?”

Customer: *optimistically* “Oh! They’re in the car.”

He Got Burned

| England, UK | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, School, Top

(I am appointed as a volunteer marshal at college. The college hosts a book launch, and the fire alarm goes off. Most people follow directions to the fire exits, but one guest is sat there drinking his free champagne.)

Me: “You can bring your drink if you like, sir, but we have to go outside and wait for the fire brigade to tell us it’s safe to re-enter.”

Guest: “No, I shall stay here. It’ll be a false alarm.”

Me: “I have no way of knowing if it’s a real fire or a false alarm, so please come with me to the assembly point, sir.”

Guest: “I’m not taking instructions from you! Who do you think you are?”

Me: “Just a voluntary fire marshal, sir.”

Guest: “Just a student, then.”

Me: “Yes, I’m a student here. Sorry about this, sir, but there’s a formality I have to conduct.”

(I take out my phone and start the video camera. I point it at him.)

Me: “It’s 12:57 pm. The fire alarm is sounding. I’m instructing you to follow me to the fire exit.”

Guest: “Pathetic. And I’m refusing. What’s the point of that little charade? To show it to your friends on Youtube?”

Me: “No, sir. If it proves necessary, to show it to the coroner at your inquest.”

(I turn and leave. The guest waits until I’m turning the corner, and then follows.)

Piercing Judgments, Part 2

| New York, NY, USA | Bigotry, Crazy Requests, Love/Romance, Top

(I am a waiter in a high-class restaurant. In my section is a cute couple, and from the looks and blushing, it appears they’re on their first date. Both have several visible piercings, and from what I can see on the young woman, they both have tattoos. They’re talking quietly to each other, not disturbing anyone. I’m called over to a nearby table with a dining couple in their mid-forties.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, how may I help you?”

Diner: *loudly* “I want that disrespectful couple out!”

(The diner points to the other couple. Both look up.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?”

Diner: “Look at them! They’re disgusting! That woman shouldn’t be seen in public!”

(I see the young woman’s head go down.)

Diner: “And that man should be ashamed! They’re ruining the entire atmosphere!”

(Now both of the couple are looking at their plates. I can barely hear the young woman mumble to her date.)

Young Woman: “Maybe we should go…”

(Both start to stand. I motion for them to sit. I turn back to the loud diner.)

Me: “Ma’am, I am going to have to ask you and your husband to leave.”

Diner: *scoffs* “What for?!”

Me: “For disturbing the peace, and ‘ruining the atmosphere.’ I will escort you to the door.”

Diner: “You can’t do that!”

Me: “Alright, I’ll go get my manager and have him escort you out.”

(Sure enough, my manager agrees with me and makes the older couple leave.)

Woman: “You’ve just lost your best customers, you heathen!”

(The young couple thank me, and they get 10% off their check for their troubles. They come back every couple of months, requesting me. The last time they come in, there is a decent sized rock on the young woman’s finger.)

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Piercing Judgments