The Offer Is Sub-Standard

, | BC, Canada | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month, Top

(The sandwich shop I work in is only a block down the main street from a fairly rowdy nightclub. To alleviate problems we close two hours before the club does but we are often there long past closing to finish the cleanup. It is quite common for drunk people to bang on the door when it is well past closing and try to convince us to make them something. This particular night a group of four young men stumble past and one starts hollering through the locked glass door.)

Drunk Guy: “Hey, can you make me a sub?”

Me: “Sorry, we’re closed.”

Drunk Guy: “C’mon! It’ll just take a sec. Hey, you can just pocket the money and no one will ever know!”

Me: “Yeah, I don’t think so. Even if I wasn’t honest, we have security cameras.”

Drunk Guy: “Oh, c’mon. It’s just a sub. Please?”

Me: “Sorry, we’re closed and all the food is put away.”

(By this point his friends are trying to drag him along but I can see that it’s become a rather inebriated point of pride for him to convince me.)

Drunk Guy: “Hey, I know. Tell ya what. I’ll sleep with you if you make me a sub!”

(I make a really obvious show of looking him up and down.)

Me: “And what’s in it for me?”

(He just stood there looking dumbfounded as his friends all cracked up laughing, one of them actually falling over because he was laughing so hard. Shortly thereafter they dragged him off, still in shock.)

Closing Time Is A Vicious Cycle Accident

| Cedar Rapids, IA, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

(I work at a popular home-improvement store. At two minutes to closing time a man comes dashing through the door. This happens regularly, so I think nothing of it.)

Me: *joking* “Better run!”

Customer: *with a huge grin on his face* “Yeah, I crashed my bike getting here!”

(As he runs past me, I see that he’s bleeding in several places on his side and arm, but I have no time to say anything before he’s off down an aisle. A couple minutes later, he comes back with a large box of nails cradled in the crook of his arm.)

Me: “Woah, hold on. Are you okay? Let me get you some bandages—”

Customer: *still grinning* “Nah, I’m fine. I think I dislocated my shoulder, though. Does it look bad?”

(I look, and sure enough, the joint is popped out of its socket. He heads over to the checkout counter, grinning the whole time.)

Me: “It looks terrible! Oh, my god. You need medical attention. Do you want me to call you an ambulance?”

Customer: “Nope, don’t call an ambulance.”

Me: “Are you sure? That looks like it really hurts!”

Customer: *cheerfully* “It really hurts!”

Me: “You’re bleeding and your shoulder is dislocated! You need to go to a doctor or something at least!”

Customer: “Yeah, or something. See ya!”

(He grabbed his stuff and dashed out the door. It was the end of my shift, so my supervisor made me go clock out in spite of my begging her to let me stay to make sure he was all right. When I got back, he was gone. I can only hope the crazy dude got himself to a hospital.)

The Oil Is Glistening But Someone’s Not Listening

| Whitehorse, YT, Canada | Crazy Requests, Transportation

(A man walks up to the service counter on a Thursday morning. He wants to make an appointment so he can bring his car in for an oil change.)

Me: “The next available appointment for oil changes is Monday at 10:30.”

Customer: “Do you have anything available this afternoon?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. We don’t. The next available appointment is Monday at 10:30 in the morning.”

Customer: “How about tomorrow?”

Me: “We don’t have any appointments available until Monday next week.”

Customer: “Do you have openings this Saturday?”

About To Get Charged With Low Battery

| USA | Crazy Requests, Technology

(I work for a security company that installs alarms into residences. I have received an alarm indicating the customer’s alarm system has a low battery so I’m calling to notify them.)

Me: “This is your alarm company calling. May I speak to Mr. [Name]?”

Customer: “What the h*** do you want?”

Me: “Your alarm system sent us a low battery signal.”

Customer: “Low battery? What the h*** does that even mean? Is someone trying to break in?”

Me: “No, sir. It means the backup battery is low and needs to be changed.”

Customer: “The alarm system is plugged in; there is no battery. Send the police. I think someone is tampering with the system.”

Me: “I’d be happy to do that for you but—”

Customer: “JUST SENT THE D*** COPS!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Will do.”

(I explained the situation to the police department, and they weren’t too happy about having to respond to a low battery signal. They intended to make sure the customer learned the difference between an emergency signal and a low battery!)

Intelligence Is On Lockdown

| USA | Extra Stupid, Theme Of The Month

Customer: “EXCUSE ME! Are you going to check me out or am I going to have to stand around at the register all night waiting on you to finish whatever you are doing?”

Me: *thinking we had accidentally closed the store on the customer* “Ma’am, we closed 15 minutes ago. My manager has already closed all of the registers. I’m sorry, but I cannot check you out and you will have to come back in the morning.”

Customer: “Is that why the door was locked?”

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