The Family Business Is None Of Yours

| Gulf Shores, AL, USA | Right | March 2, 2016

(I am watering plants, when a customer approaches the cashier. The customer is quite rude, arguing about prices, insisting the cashier is trying to rip her off, insulting her, and demanding a discount because she knows the manager, Mark. I merely smile and keep watering. The cashier is very polite and cheerful throughout.)

Customer: “Well, I want you to know that I’m never shopping here again! What happened to all the good cashiers that used to work out here? They’ve replaced them with a disrespectful jerk like you!”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I’ve been at this store, in this department, for three years.”

Customer: “Oh, well…”

Cashier: “Yes, perhaps our paths just haven’t crossed?”

Customer: “Oh, I guess. I don’t usually come in on Tuesdays.”

(The cashier tactfully doesn’t reply that she comes in four days a week and sometimes more, if we need her.)

Customer: “But that doesn’t matter! I’m going to tell Mark that you wouldn’t give me my discount!”

Cashier: “John.”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Cashier: “I said John. Mark hasn’t been the manager for over a year, since he was caught giving out unauthorized discounts.”

Customer: “Oh. Oh! Well, you… just wait! I’ll tell him, then!”

Cashier: “Of course, but before you do, you should probably know that he’s my stepfather.”

Customer: “F***!” *storms out*

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Try Scamming A Mile In His Shoes

| WI, USA | Right | March 1, 2016

(A customer calls about a TV he’d ordered online that he wants to return, stating the reason is it is ‘damaged.’ Our driver goes to retrieve the item. He has an inspection form to complete so he is getting ready to open the box to inspect the TV.)

Customer: “What are you doing?!”

Driver: *shows inspection form* “I’m required to fill this out before I take the TV. This will only take a minute.”

(The driver proceeds to open the TV box fully expecting a 55″ TV only to find the box is full of gym shoes.)

Driver: “What the h*** is this?”

Customer: “What?! [Company] must have sent it to me like that!”

(Not only did we not pick up his ‘TV’ but this customer is now officially black-listed from ever ordering anything from that company again.)

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No Pay, No Port

| WI, USA | Right | March 1, 2016

(I work for a small wireless company. A caller is trying to port her numbers over to a competitor. Her account with us was suspended due to non-payment, about $1400 past due, and she hasn’t paid anything in four months. Once an account is suspended, there’s no way we can port a number over unless we get a payment.)

Customer: “You people always put in your port orders a day after I call. One number came through, but the others didn’t!”

Me: “That happened because your account was suspended on that day when the other numbers were ordered to be ported. It was a four-hour difference between being suspended and went the port request was made.”

Customer: “Well, if your dumb port department would do their jobs and put the request in the day I called, we wouldn’t be in this mess!”

(She goes on 20-minute tangents and doesn’t allow me to get any words in for the most part. One of the leaders comes by and sees me struggling, so she gets a cord and plugs in on the call to help me.)

Me: “Ma’am, the simple fact of the matter is there is no way we can port these numbers over unless we get a payment. I see you did talk to the financial department earlier, and they agreed to take $650 to get your services resumed. That is the amount we need today to do this process.”

Customer: “NO! I know there is a way you can turn on my account for two minutes, get those numbers over, and suspend it again. All you people want is your money, and I’m not paying for something I’m not using. I want to speak to a supervisor!”

(I put her on hold and the leader who plugged in with me takes over. By now, the call has lasted about 45 minutes. I stay and listen.)

Leader: “Hello, ma’am? I am a supervisor; the previous associate you talked with told me what’s going on with your porting issues.”

Customer: “Yes, all I want to do is get those numbers over. I refuse to pay anything. Why should I pay for something that I own? Those are MY numbers.”

Leader: “I hear what you’re saying, ma’am, and we do want to get this issue resolved today. Your only option to get those numbers over is to make that payment. I cannot resume service for two minutes because it’s all done automatically. The system will only resume your service when that payment is made. We cannot hack it…”

Customer: “YES, YOU CAN! How difficult is it to do something so simple. Call your IT guys, tell them to turn me on for two minutes, and get those numbers over!”

Leader: “Ma’am, that’s illegal. The IT department cannot go into people’s accounts because they don’t have that authority; they fix the computers or the system if it has problems.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not paying anything.”

Leader: “And that’s totally up to you. You don’t pay, you don’t get your numbers, because they are our property. You haven’t paid us anything in four months. We do not make exceptions when someone is severely past due. If you choose not to pay, you will be sent to collections and have to deal with them harassing you for the money, which is 10 times worse than anything we do. I have told you repeatedly what your only option is, and you are not listening. At this point you will have to get new numbers with [Competitor].”

(The leader promptly hung up on her since they have that ability. In all her years there, this is the third person she’s disconnected with. The call came through at 8:45 and didn’t end til 10:30. Customer would not let us talk at all. Let’s just say I’m looking for something else already…)

But There’s A Cat(ch)

| Winter Haven, FL, USA | Right | March 1, 2016

(I’m a receptionist at an animal hospital. Sometimes we house stray dogs and cats for a while until we can find them forever homes, and people come in frequently asking about any strays we may have. I see a man walk in, and by the way he’s grinning to himself in the corner, I can already tell he’s slightly strange.)

Me: “Good morning. How can I help you?”

Man: “Hello. You may not know me, but I’m a professional cat sitter.”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “All right. I can honestly say I’ve never heard of that before. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Man: “Well, my b**** of an ex-wife divorced me and took all my cats, so now I only get to see them on the weekends. I was wondering if you had any cats for adoption that I can keep for five days and bring back.”

Me: *it takes me a few seconds to figure out how to answer* “So… you want to adopt one of our cats for five days and bring her back on the weekends?”

Man: *completely serious* “That’s right.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry. If you adopt one of our cats, you’d have to keep them.”

Man: “That’s what I thought you’d say. Thanks anyway.”

The Cold Reality Of Drinking Alone

| Berkeley, CA, USA | Right | March 1, 2016

(I have had a long day at work and am stopping by a sake brewery on my way home to pick up some for the weekend.)

Me:” I’d like one… no, make that two large bottles of plum sake.”

Salesman: *while bagging my order* “How are you going to drink that?”

Me: *assuming he is asking how I can manage to drink three liters of sake on my own* “Hey! I have friends!”

Salesman: “I prefer to drink it warm, but some people like to drink it cold.”

(Turns out he was asking at what temperature I was going to serve it!)

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