IMEI Oh My

| UK | Extra Stupid, Technology

Customer: “My phone is completely dead. I can’t do anything with it”

Me: “Does it have a removable battery?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you please remove it as I need to check the IMEI number?”

Customer: “But that will disconnect the call.”

Hopes And Dreams In Aisle Four

| Dallas, TX, USA | Bizarre

(I’m at the register checking out a customer.)

Me: “Hi! How are you doing today? Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. What were you unable to find today?”

Customer: “I didn’t find a million dollars. Or a man made of gold. Or 11 inches!”

(I’m trying to keep a straight face.)

Me: “Did you try the garden center?”

A Bad App-raisal Of The Situation

| Chicago, IL, USA | Books & Reading, Extra Stupid, Technology

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I bought an eBook from your website, but I can’t read it on my tablet.”

Me: “Okay, let’s see what we can do. What sort of tablet do you have? Is it Apple or Android?”

Customer: “It’s a [high end Android]. My son bought it for me.”

Me: “Nice. And when you open up [Our App], does the book appear there?”

Customer: “No, it’s not in my library.”

Me: “You say you purchased the eBook from our website. Are you sure the account information you used when you purchased it is the same as your app is registered under?”

Customer: “Um, yes? I can’t imagine that I would have more than one account with you.”

Me: “And other books work just fine?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Have you tried syncing your library?”

Customer: “How do I do that?”

Me: “Open the app and hit the refresh button. It’s a circular arrow in the bottom left.”

Customer: “I don’t have that.”

Me: “That’s weird. What do you see?”

Customer: *describes a screen which sounds suspiciously like our competitor’s app*

Me: “Sir, what app do you use to read your eBooks?”

Customer: “I use my library.”

Me: “Yes, sir, your books appear in the library screen of the app, but which app do you use? Are you using [Our App] or [Competitor’s App]?”

Customer: “I use the app on my tablet.”

Me: “Okay, where do you normally buy your eBooks?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “The eBooks currently in your library which you are able to read. Which website were you on when you bought them? [Our website] or [Competitor’s website]?”

Customer: “[Competitor’s website]. They have lots of good deals.”

Me: “All right sir, I’ve figured out the problem. You purchased an [our format] eBook from our website. That book is not compatible with [Competitor’s App]. You’ll have to download [Our App] in order to read it.”

Customer: “But I already paid for it.”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry, sir. The book is yours. The app is available as a free download both on our website and from the Play Store. It only takes a minute.”

Customer: “My books always show up in my library when I buy them. Why doesn’t this one?”

Me: “I know it’s confusing, sir. [Our Company] sells [Our eBook Readers], and [Competitor] sells [Competitor’s eBook Readers]. EBooks bought from [Our Company] can only be read on [Our eBook Readers] or [Our App], just as [Competitor]’s eBooks can only be read on their products.”

Customer: “I don’t understand. I paid for this book.”

Me: “Yes, sir, and it is yours. But the app you are using is made and run by [Competitor]. You bought this book from us. [Competitor] has no way of knowing that you bought this book, so they can’t put it into the app on your tablet.

Customer: Can you call them and tell them I bought it? Then they’ll know.”

Me: “I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that, sir. But again, you can download [Our App] for free and read the book you purchased.”

Customer: “Okay, so you guys have your own books and your own app thing, and [Competitor] has their own books and their own app, and they don’t work together at all?”

Me: “Yes sir. That’s absolutely correct. A little complicated, I know.”

Customer: “So how do I get your app so I can read my book?”

Me: “The same way you got [Competitor’s App]. Open the Play Store, search for [Our App], and download it. Once it installs you’ll have to enter your email address and password. Then your book will appear in your library. We’ll give you a couple additional titles for free.”

Customer: “My tablet’s library?”

Me: “No, sorry, the library in [Our App].”

Customer: “So when I want to read this book I’ll need to open your app, and when I want to read my other books I’ll need to open [Competitor’s App]?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Okay, I suppose I can handle that. When should I expect my app to arrive?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “The app that you’re sending me in the mail. When will it be here?”

Me: “The… mail? You know what, sir? I think you should come into our store. Can you drop by tomorrow?”

(And I made d*** sure I was not around when he came in!)

No Point Gagging Over Spoiled Milk

| CT, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

(I’m working behind the customer service desk when an elderly woman approaches with a plastic bag.)

Customer: “I’d like to return this milk and get my $3.69 back.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. If you give me your receipt, I’ll be happy to help.”

Customer: “I don’t have the receipt. I threw it away somewhere. I don’t know. Just give me the refund. I smelled this milk, and it went very bad!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m not allowed to issue refunds on opened dairy products without a receipt, but I can do an exchange if you’d like to go pick up a new one.”

Customer: “I don’t want a new one. I bought this milk this morning and it went very bad, so I’m sure all your milk is bad. I haven’t even had a chance to put it in my fridge yet and it’s already bad!”

Me: *thinking of the record heat wave we were having* “…Ma’am, it’s almost four pm. Are you saying you’ve had the milk in your car all day today?”

Customer: “Yes! Where else would I keep it while I visit my friends?! And it is very bad!”

(She then proceeds to take the plastic jug of milk out of the bag and puts it on the counter. The plastic is transparent and the sun has done a serious number on it; it’s bulging so much that the bottom isn’t flat and the jug is barely standing up straight.)

Me: “Oh , dear lord… Ma’am, you can’t willingly let your milk spoil and then come ask for a refund. Or even an exchange! I’ll have to ask you to take that away.”

Customer: “If you don’t believe me, then smell it!”

Me: “I believe you and I’m not getting near that thing!”

Customer: “No! You smell it right now!” *grabs the jug of milk and waves it at me*

(I start backing away and give a little knock on the door behind me to summon the manager. As he comes out, he sees the bulging container in her hands and gasps.)

Me: “She left it in her car all day. It’s 104°F out there. She wants a refund and she wants me to smell it.”

Manager: *still standing in the doorway behind me* “Ma’am, we can’t possibly give you a refund for being negligent with your items. You’re welcome to grab a new milk if you want.”

Customer: “I don’t want a new one. They’re all bad! See? Smell this!”

(She starts twisting open the cap and everything goes into slow motion as my manager leaps backwards into his office trying to close his door and I reach out to stop her, yelling ‘nooooo!’ Everyone within earshot is watching while she takes the cap off and something comes belching out of the jug: chunky white liquid splashing out onto the counter and the floor. The customer has conveniently opened it facing away from herself and remains clean and upwind.)

Customer: “See? It’s bad. Smell it!”

Me: *retching and on the verge of tears* “Oh, god, I can’t NOT smell it!”

Manager: *cracking open his door with his mouth and nose covered* “Give her the money! Get her out of here!”

(I smother myself with my own arm as I open the register and throw a five dollar bill onto the counter.)

Me: “Here is your refund, ma’am, plus whatever. Please just go!”

(She put the opened milk back on the counter, calmly opened her purse, counted out the $1.31 difference, took the $5, thanked us, and left with a satisfied smile on her face. As I called for the cleaning crew, I grabbed her plastic bag off the counter and felt something inside. She had the receipt the whole time.)

Putting The Terror Into Terabytes

| Extra Stupid, Technology

(A customer walks in and grabs a 3 GB USB stick from the rack and brings it to the counter.)

Me: “Afternoon, sir.”

Customer: “Yes, hello. Can you help me? What can I do with this?”

Me: “Umm… you can store files on this device using a computer.”

Customer: “Files?”

Me: “Yeah, pictures, text, movies, music. Anything.”

Customer: “And Google-ing?”

Me: “If you mean the Internet, no. You’ll need a bigger USB stick.”

(The customer grabs a 32 GB stick.)

Me: “Eh. Right, that was sarcastic. You’ll need millions and millions of USB sticks for that.”

Customer: “There are only 20 on the rack.”

Me: “What I’m trying to say is that it is impossible to copy the Internet to a USB stick.”

Customer: “Oh. What about a floppy?”

Me: “Those are outdated and store even less than a USB stick.”

Customer: “But can I store a ‘Internet’ on it?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “I want the manager.”

Me: “I am the manager.”

(The customer stormed off.)

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