That’ll Cost A BUN-dle

, | Cedar Rapids, IA, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(I am on the headset working the drive-thru, and my boss is near me bagging orders.)

Me: “Hi, may I take your order please?”

Customer: “Yeah, what comes on your #6?”

Me: “Mayo, lettuce, and tomatoes.”

Customer: “What?! No bun?!”

(I don’t know how to react at first, and I can’t stop laughing for a second before I can respond.)

Me: “No, ma’am, it comes with the bun.”

My Boss: “You should have told her the bun cost extra.”

Bashing The Button Basher

| TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

(A 20-something calls in with the very common problem of their TV showing a blank screen. I’m second-level tech support, meaning they’ve already spoken to someone who either concluded their problem was serious, or simply gave up attempting to assist them.)

Me: “Press the red button at the very top of your remote.”

Caller: “Umm… uh… What’s a button?”

Me: “Do you want to think about what you just asked for a moment?”

Caller: “Umm, yeah, what’s a button?”

Me: “Those little round things that make stuff happen when you push them.”

Caller: “Oh, it worked! What was wrong?”

Me: “Your TV was turned off.”

On A Completely Different Wavelength

| USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

Customer: “I am looking for a portable radio with headphones I can use while I walk or go to the gym.”

Me: “Certainly! May I suggest this unit right here? It is actually an all-in-one unit; the radio is a part of the headphone assembly itself.”

Customer: “I would rather have the headphones and radio be separate.”

Me: “Well, we have multiple pocket radios with a headphone jack right over here. Do any of these look like what you are looking for?”

Customer: “I would rather have a larger unit I can keep on the table, and plug into the wall.”

Me: “Well, this unit right here is a little larger but can still be carried on you, and can plug into the wall as well as use headphones. It will charge while it’s plugged in, and you can take it with you when you walk or travel.”

Customer: “But I don’t want it to use batteries.”

Me: “So you want it to be a wall-socket only, non-battery powered, portable radio you can use while you walk and exercise?”

Customer: “Yes, why is that so complicated?”

These Customers Aren’t Even Faintly Sharp

| Canada | Crazy Requests, Health & Body

(A female and male customer walk into my tattoo parlor.)

Female Customer: “Hi, I’d like to get my lip pierced, but I’m terrified of needles. Is there anything you can do?”

Me: “Well, you could use [freezing cream] which would numb the skin and you wouldn’t feel a thing.”

Female Customer: “Hmm, I don’t think so. Just show me the needle and I’ll faint, and then you can do the piercing.”

Me: “Uh, I think that’s illegal.”

(As I say this, the female customer has apparently spotted some of our needles nearby still in their packaging, which she apparently has no problems with. Without warning, she grabs one, rips it out of its packaging and proceeds to faint on the spot. The male customer speaks up in her place.)

Male Customer: “Can’t you just do it now?”

(I proceed to call an ambulance. Thankfully the woman is fine. My coworkers and I still talk about it!)

A**-hole In One

| TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I work at a golf course that is situated in a residential area. I am talking to a friend of mine who owns a home on the course when a ball lands in his backyard.)

Golfer: “Move!” *hops the fence*

My Friend: “Hey! This is private property; get out of here!”

Golfer: “No it isn’t; I paid good money to play on this course and I am going to play through.”

Me: “Actually, sir, it is private property.”

Golfer: *not listening* “Why the h*** do you put such stupid obstacles in the way? What kind of course has fences so close to the green?”

My Friend: “It isn’t an obstacle! It’s my fence, and you are in my backyard. Now beat it before I call the police.”

Golfer: “Shut the f*** up; you’re throwing me off my game.” *turns to me* “Shouldn’t you escort him off the course? He isn’t showing any etiquette.”

(At this point my friend gets irritated and has gone into his house.)

Me: “He doesn’t have to show any etiquette; he owns the property. You are the one I will be escor—”

Golfer: “No he doesn’t! The course owns all of this; how stupid are you?”

(My friend comes back with a bucket of golf balls, and dumps them where the golfer’s ball has landed.)

Golfer: “What the f*** are you doing! I’ll never find my ball!”

My Friend: “Good.”

Golfer: “I paid good money for that ball, and you’re stealing it! I am calling the police!”

Me: “It landed in someone’s yard. It is clearly stated in the rule book that a residential area is out of bounds, so he can do whatever he wants with it.”

Golfer: “Shut up! What do you know? You’re just some kid!”

Me: “Sir, please come with me. You are not welcome here anymore.”

Golfer: “No! I can do what I want! I paid good money to—”

My Friend: “I spend all day cleaning up after a**-holes like you that think they can do whatever they want. They rammed their carts into my fence thinking it was a personal cart stopper, and I had to finally shell out $1,500 to buy a new one because it eventually fell down completely.”

Golfer: “I didn’t—”

My Friend: “People like you have stolen my stuff, left their trash in my yard, even though there is a bin right there next to the tee-box. They have killed my dog, and one of you pricks had the audacity to walk into my house and use my bathroom without even so much as asking.”

Golfer: *stuttering* “But the course owns it; I’m allowed to—”

My Friend: “No you’re not. My property line extends another twenty feet past the fence line; you are trespassing. I own this house, this yard, and everything in them.”

(My friend picks him up, and tosses him over the fence.)

Golfer: “That’s assault! I am calling the police on you! I paid good money!”

My Friend: “I don’t give a d*** how much you paid; this is private property and according to the state penal code, I can remove you just like I did.”

Golfer: “I’ll sue! I paid good money!”

My Friend: “Go ahead; I’ll be your lawyer.”

(One of the owners shows up and escorts the golfer off the golf course. He is banned from playing there again. My friend now plays free for his trouble.)