Nic U Too

| GA, USA | Language & Words

(The customer is proofing a write-up I put together for her.)

Customer: “Change the ‘an’ to ‘a’ before ‘NICU nurse.’”

Me: “’An’ is technically correct in this context; use of a/an is determined by the vowel sound at the beginning of a word/abbreviation/acronym, not necessarily the letter itself. Since ‘NICU’ is traditionally pronounced ‘en-eye-see-you’ we would use ‘an.’ However, if we wrote out the whole thing, it would be ‘a neonatal intensive care unit.’”

Customer: “I pronounce it ‘nic-u’ so change it to ‘a.’”

Me: “…seriously?”

They’re Out For The Count(y)

, | TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Geography

(I work for a call center for a well know bank. Due to concerns about fraud, for any transaction that the bank deems ‘high risk’ we have to verify our customers further before we do a transaction. One of the ways to do it is to ask questions that are pulled from their credit report.)

Customer: “I need to change my address; I am moving Tuesday.”

Me: “Ok, sir, I can understand why that would be important to you. I will need to verify you more fully before we proceed. I will ask you a couple of public record questions, followed by a ‘none of the above’ or ‘does not apply’. Please select which opens fits you best, okay?”

Customer: “Go ahead.”

Me: “What county is on record with [Bank] for your residential address?” *I read the options*

Customer: “I don’t have a county. I live in a city.”

Me: “Yes, sir, I understand that. Do you live in the United States?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Then you do live in a county; what county do you live in?”

Customer: “OH! I heard you wrong. You said country! I live in the United States.”

Me: “No, sir. That is not a county. You know, like, Orange County in California?”

Customer: “Wait, the color or the food?”

(Needless to say the customer didn’t pass the authentication and ended up needing to go to the branch. I wonder if that guy ever found out what a county was…)

A New Line Of Enquiry

| Kent, England, UK | Technology

(I answer the phone.)

Customer: “I bought a laptop from you three weeks ago.”

Me: “Okay…” *expecting customer to say there is a problem*

Customer: “I’m filling in an online form and I need to tick a box. How do I tick it?”

Me: *barely containing laughter* “On the touchpad at the bottom there are two buttons. You need to move the cursor over the tick box and click the left button.”

Customer: “But there aren’t two buttons, only a line.”

Overcompensation Before They Ask For Compensation

, | Flagstaff, AZ, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

(I am working the front counter when I see a customer who is known as one of our “problem regulars” come in.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “I want that grilled onion cheeseburger, but I don’t want NO CHEESE ON THAT. Got it?”

(Last time he came in, he asked for the same thing and they accidentally put cheese on it, which he proceeded to throw on the counter right in front of me. Since this completes his order today and I have no more customers, I go and alert manager to his presence since he usually asks for one anyway. We both come back in time to see the customer standing on his tiptoes trying to see how they’re making his burger, which you cannot see from anywhere in our lobby.)

Customer: “They ain’t puttin enough onions on it. I want more onions.”

(My manager then asks the grill people for an entire sundae cup of grilled onions which he sets on the tray with the customers now-ready burger and hands it to him.)

Customer: “I didn’t want THAT many onions…”

Manager: *smiling widely* “Well, now you have just as many as you want. Have a good day, sir.”

The Caper Crusader

| Germany | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(I am at a restaurant for dinner. A customer on the next table orders roast pork. The recipe used by the restaurant includes capers. I sit down a few moments before his food is served. He doesn’t even touch it but immediately speaks up.)

Guest: “Wait, there’s capers in there! I asked for a roast pork without capers!”

Waitress: “Oh, I’m very sorry. I guess the kitchen didn’t read to leave the capers out.”

Guest: “Well, I hate capers! I’m not going to eat that.”

Waitress: “Let me take it back. I’ll bring you a new one without capers.”

Me: “You’re going to throw it away, are you?”

Waitress: “Well, yes.”

Me: “You can give that to me then. I was going to order it anyway, and I don’t mind the capers.”

Guest: “What? You can’t have that!”

Me: “Why?”

Guest: “It was prepared for me! You can’t have my food!”

Me: “Huh? I thought you didn’t want it?”

Guest: “I don’t!”

Me: “Then they’re just gonna throw it away anyway. That would be a waste.”

Guest: “You can’t have MY food! It was made for ME, not YOU!”

(Something flicked his switch at this moment – he’s calling me things like parasite, saying that I just want him to pay for my meal. Note that they wouldn’t have charged him for the faulty order; I would have paid for it. Enter the restaurant owner.)

Owner: “What is going on here?”

(The waitress explains the situation to him, he looks at me, and I confirm. The other guest is still fuming and mumbling under his breath.)

Owner: “So you don’t want the roast with capers?”

Guest: “I don’t! I hate capers!”

Owner: “You don’t want it, but you also don’t want anyone else to have it?”

Guest: “No! It is my food and my money!”

Owner: “You gave it back, so it isn’t your food. I’m not going to throw perfectly good food away if someone else wants it. Also, I refuse to serve people who do not know how to behave.”

Guest: “What does that mean?!”

Owner: “It means we will not serve you today. Please leave. You don’t need to pay for your drink, just get out.”

(The guest left, muttering that he wouldn’t want to eat at this ‘crappy place’ anyway and he wouldn’t be back. The owner did not give me the other guest’s food, stating it was no longer hot enough and he didn’t want to serve me food that wasn’t hot. However, when I left, they gave it to me in a doggy bag.)

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