Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Slushed

| Wales, UK | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Popular

(I’ve had a bad day and I’m stopping by this sweet shop for a pick-me-up. Shortly after I arrive, a lady arrives with five children, paying a lot more attention to her phone than them. As I’m waiting in queue, she chooses to push in.)

Me: “Err, excuse me?”

Lady: “Can’t you see I’ve got all these kids!?”

Child #1: “Mum, can we get a slushie, too?”

Child #2: “Yeah, slushie!”

Lady: *snaps* “No, you got your sweets. Now be quiet!” *returns to phone*

(When I get to the till, the lady hangs around on her phone while the children compare sweets. I decide to add something to my purchase.)

Me: “Could I have a large strawberry slushie, too?”

All Five Children: “Mum! Mum! She gets a slushie and sweets! Why can’t we? Mum! Mum! Mum!”

Lady: *look of terror at the children, and hate at me*


She Hears Literally Everything

| Fort Wayne, IN, USA | Language & Words, Popular

(I am a driver for a ride-sharing service. On this evening, I pick up a young lady from one bar and I’m driving her to another bar. On the way, she calls a friend to come join her, but they apparently want to stay home.)

Rider: “What are you just sitting at home for?! Come on! You’re killing me! I’m literally dying inside!”

Me: *mumbling quietly to myself* “No, you’re figuratively dying inside.”

Rider: *to me* “Figuratively! Yes! Thank you, driver!” *into phone* “I’m FIGURATIVELY dying inside!”


Donating Is A Scream

| LA, USA | Bizarre, Popular

(I work as a donation solicitor. My job is to call numbers out of the phonebook and ask them if they’d like to donate to a fire department.)

Me: “He—”

Customer: *blood-curdling shriek*

(I’m just sitting there, shaking, the phone now about a foot from my head, everyone staring at me. And then I start to hear laughter from the phone.)

Me: “Hello?”

Customer: *laughing* “I’m sorry about that; I just had to do it. What was it you wanted?”

Me: “Uh, would you like to donate to [Fire Department]?”

Customer: “Certainly! You can mark me down for fifty dollars!”


Some Use Slightly Less Than Others…

| USA | Math & Science, Pets & Animals

(I work in a dolphin education facility and it’s my job to answer any questions that guests have about our animals or about dolphins in general. Since the movie “Lucy” has come into theaters, I have been getting a lot of the following:)

Guest: “Is it true that dolphins use 20% of their brain? Humans only use 10%!”

Me: “That is a common myth, but actually both species use 100% of our brains. They are comprised of different areas for different functions so it’s hard to compare them anyhow.”

Guest: “But they are so much smarter; they must use 20%!”

Me: “While intelligence can be debated, I assure you that all animals use 100% of their brains.”

Guest: “Well, how can you know?”

Me: “If we only used 10 or even 20% of our brains we’d be completely non-responsive… or dead…”

(Because if you heard it in a movie it MUST be true!)


Has An Asian Dissuasion, Part 2

| Seattle, WA, USA | Bigotry

(I’m speaking to an older Southern woman and we’re just getting to the end of the call. I’m in Seattle and I don’t have an accent of any kind.)

Customer: “Well, thank you for helping me! Where are you from?”

Me: “I’m from—”

Customer: “—Oh, you’re probably from China or something. But at least you talk normal!”

Has An Asian Dissuasion

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