Shot Down His Chances

| USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

(A younger guy picks out a shotgun to buy so we proceed to paperwork.)

Me: *looking at his ID* “Is this your current address?”

Customer: “Not anymore! Just moved back from [University] into my old place [Next Town Over].”

Me: “Okay, do you have anything with your new address? Car registration, hunting/fishing license, etc.?”

Customer: “Not at the moment. I just moved.”

Me: “Well, we can’t sell the gun to you unless you have a valid address.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, that’s my current address, then.”

Me: “That doesn’t work.”

(I deny the sale; he gets angry and leaves. Later I see him filling out paperwork.)

Me: “Did you get a new ID?”

Customer: *happily* “Nope! Just told [Coworker] it’s my current address!”

Me: “Okay…” *goes to the gun vault, finds coworker* “Hey, you getting that shotgun for that guy at the counter?”

Coworker: “Yeah, why?”

Me: “Can’t do it; he doesn’t have a valid license.”

(We deny him the sale again.)

Customer: *yelling* “THIS IS BULL-S***! I’M GONNA GO TO [Sporting Store down the road] AND BUY IT FROM THEM! AND I THOUGHT THIS WAS F****** AMERICA!”

Me: “Good luck with that.”

(I call up the place down the road and inform them of the customer. No surprise, he comes back, red in the face.)

Customer: “WHO RUNS THIS F****** PLACE?!”

Manager: “What’s the matter, sir?”

(The customer tells his story, but my manager stops him short.)

Manager: “You tried to knowingly break the law while also trying to convince my employees to break the law as well? I’m going to have to ask you to leave right now.”

Customer: “BUT TH—”

Manager: “And if you don’t leave or you try to pull this s*** again in the near future, I will not hesitate to call the police.”

(We never saw the customer again.)

Totally Bugging Out

| USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

(For the last few minutes, I’ve noticed people acting strangely towards me.)

Customer: “Hello-”

Me: “Hello, what can I do for you?” *smile*

Customer: *eyes bug out* “Um. Ah. Never mind.” *practically runs*

(I take out a small mirror to inspect my face, thinking I have some food for lunch left on it. Nothing. Bemused, I shrug and continue what I’m doing.)

Customer: “Hello, may I get a printout of my account?”

Me: “Of course, ma’am.”

(The customer eyes me weirdly, but I ignore the look. Then as I look down to type, I notice something MOVING on my shirt. It’s a beetle, as black as my shirt. I’m deathly afraid of bugs.)

Me: “Ahhh! Help! Help! Ahhh!”

(The customer and my coworkers stared as I frantically jumped around, swiping at the front of my shirt. The manager came out to see what I was screaming about, and I finally got it off. To this day since then, people call me the Bug-Brained Boy!)

‘X’ Marks The Stupid

, | NY, USA | Extra Stupid

(I work as part of the front desk staff at a medical office. In order to treat patients they must first sign consent forms, which can vary based on what procedure one is getting. Our standard forms have all the options and we mark where the patient must sign/initial with a red “X” to make it very clear, as well as informing the patient to sign anywhere they see these red “X”s.)

Patient: “Do I have to sign all of these?”

Me: “No, only where there’s a red ‘X.’”

Patient: “So all of these?”

Me: “No, there are only two red ‘X’s there. That’s where you sign.”

Patient: “So I don’t have to sign all of the other ones?”

Me: “No… Only where it’s indicated.”

(After returning the forms to me, I saw that she signed everywhere EXCEPT where I had told her to. I had to ask her to step back up the desk and then physically pointed out each place to sign.)

Won’t Make Any Concessions

| OH, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Movies & TV

(I work in a movie theater in a relatively small urban area; we have two ticket booths at the entrance of the complex and a concessions stand that occupies the back of the lobby. The ticket booths are only open when we’re busy, so each one has a large signs that say TICKETS MAY BE PURCHASED AT CONCESSIONS STAND. A customer comes in between shows, when the lobby is empty and I am the only employee not on break. He stands in front of an empty ticket booth for about five minutes before I call out to him.)

Me: “Sir? Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: *ignores me*

Me: *after another few minutes* “Sir? You can purchase your tickets here at the concessions stand.”

Customer: *again, ignores me*

(After what must be fifteen more minutes, he approaches the concessions stand.)

Customer: *angrily* “What the h*** is wrong with this place? I’ve been waiting twenty minutes and nobody’s there to sell me a ticket!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that wait time, sir. What show are you interested in? I can sell you tickets right here at the concessions stand.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want anything to eat. Everything here is too expensive. Get in the booth and sell me a ticket.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m not allowed in the booth. But I can sell you a ticket right here; I just need to know what show you’d like to see.”

Customer: *loudly* “I don’t want anything to eat!”

Me: “Yes, sir, I understand that, but—”

Customer: *even louder* “I. DON’T. WANT. ANYTHING. TO. EAT!”

(At this point, one of my managers has heard him shouting and comes out from the office.)

Manager: “[My Name], is there is a problem out here?”

Me: “No, just—”

Customer: “Yes! There’s definitely a problem! I want to see [Current Popular Movie], but there’s no one in the ticket booth!”

Manager: “Yes, we only open the booths when we’re very busy. You can buy tickets here at the stand, though; [My Name] will get you whatever you need.”

Customer: *quickly, almost cutting my manager off* “I don’t want anything to eat!”

Manager: “That’s fine, sir. We don’t only sell food here at the stand, we also handle ticketing.”

Customer: “Oh. Are you SURE I can get tickets here?”

Manager & Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Well, okay. I’d like one to [Movie] at [time].”

Me: “You may have missed the beginning; are you sure you’d like that time? We have another showing starting in about an hour.”

Customer: “No, I want [current show].”

Me: “All right. That will be [price].”

(I process his ticket order and, out of habit, ask before I run his card:)

Me: “Is there anything else I can get for you today?”

Customer: *after a pause* “Actually, yeah. Let me get a large popcorn.”

The Hangover

| Starkville, MS, USA | Food & Drink, Hotels & Lodging

(I work reception in a hotel. After having a wedding party stay in the hotel overnight, a few members of said party approach me at the front desk.)

Female Patron: “Um, yeah… We can’t find our friend.”

Me: *somewhat taken aback* “You… can’t find him? What room was he staying in?”

Female Patron: “That’s just it. He’s my fiancé and we were sharing a room. He never came back last night after the reception and now we can’t find him.”

Me: “Does he have a cell phone? You could try calling him, see if he answers.”

(It’s determined by the missing patron’s friends that the situation is not necessarily an emergency just yet; they decide to wait a while for their buddy to turn up as they take turns trying to reach him on his cell. But after a few hours of luckless calling and searching, they return to the front.)

Female Patron: “We still can’t find him.

Me: “Let me call my manager.” *calls and explains the situation*

Manager: *on the phone* Oh, I know who you’re talking about. Someone found him passed out drunk in the middle of the third floor hallway last night, wearing nothing but boxer shorts and hugging a pizza box. He was too incoherent to tell us who he was here with or which room he was staying in, so we put him in a vacant room to sleep off the alcohol.”

(My friend relays the information to the concerned patrons and they go to retrieve their very hungover friend from his temporary room. Upon checkout…)

Drunk Patron: “Hey, has this ever happened before?”

Me: “Not that I can recall, sir.”

Drunk Patron: *grinning* “Awesome! First time for everything!”