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This Is Not Their Calling

| Kansas City, KS, USA | Bad Behavior

(I facilitate conference calls, and one of my duties is to call people to connect them to their call. I’m calling a client to connect them to a scheduled call when this happens.)

Me: “Hello, Mr. [Client]. I’m calling from [Conference Center] to connect you to—”

Client: “What is this all about? I don’t have a call today!”

Me: “I have you scheduled to attend [Call Title] today at [Time]—”

Client: “Bull-s***! That call isn’t today! You people NEVER get our calls right! DON’T CALL ME BACK!”

Me: “But, sir, I have [Attendee Name #1], [Attendee Name #2], and [Attendee Name #3] holding on the line and they are waiting for you to join so they can begin the conference!”

Client: “Well, why are you wasting so much time? People are WAITING for me! Put me in the d*** call already!”

Me: *face-palm* “One moment, sir.”

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Needs Some Geographical Assurance

| ON, Canada | Geography

(I work for a Canadian cell phone provider. I live in Canada, and my customers are Canadians.)

Customer: “Hey I’m travelling to Los Cabos and the last time I went there I added an American add-on and I was still charged, so I want to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

Me: “Of course, sir, I’ll be happy to help. It seems that Los Cabos is actually in Mexico which is in Zone One. These are some of the add-ons we offer for Zone One.” *provides different options*

Customer: “Wow, those are pretty expensive… The last time I got some travel add-ons they weren’t so expensive!”

Me: “Right, they gave you the wrong travel add-on, remember? The US travel pass is less expensive but you’re going to Mexico.”

Customer: “But Mexico is part of the United States!”

Me: “Um… No, Mexico is not part of the United States, sir.”

Customer: “Wait, Mexico is NOT part of the United States?!”

Me: “No, sir, it’s not part of the United States.”

Customer: “Huh, I guess they changed it.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure it’s been like that for a while now.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “You know, Trump and his wall to keep them out and all…”

Customer: “…”

Me: “All right, then, would you like to add one of the travel passes?”

Customer: “I’ll have to talk to my wife about this.”

Me: “Okay, have a good night!”

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Their Dine And Dash Hopes Were Dashed

| MI, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant]!”

Customer: “Hi. I am paying for four, with drinks.”

Me: “Okay. Your total is [total].”

(As the customer pays, her three friends come in, walk past her and sit at a table across from the buffet and whisper among themselves. The woman that paid gets her food, then her friends do, too. After about 20 minutes I look over at their table and see the three friends whispering again and looking at me. Suddenly the three of them get up and run out the exit door laughing. Once they get outside they high-five each other and look back at me and my coworkers, taunting us.)

Customer: *to her friends* “I paid for you already!”

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Couldn’t Be Fur-thur From What She Wanted

| Natick, MA, USA | Crazy Requests, Language & Words

(A frazzled and cold lady comes in late at night looking for a fox fur coat. I work in lingerie so I’m not extremely familiar with furs, but am excited at the potential commission earnings. I read the ticket on a beautiful jacket and it’s 100% fox. I show my customer.)

Customer: *screaming* “THIS IS NOT FOX FUR”

Me: “No, ma’am, it is indeed entirely fox.”

(I assume maybe she doesn’t like the style so I show her another fox jacket.)

Customer: “HOW DARE YOU! THIS IS NOT FOX FUR! I NEED SOMEONE WITH EXPERIENCE!”

(I turned her over to a coworker in the fur salon thinking maybe I didn’t know as much as I thought. After some bickering back and forth I saw her cashing out and purchasing a beautiful coat. I asked the salesperson who took over what she ended up with. Apparently the customer wanted FAUX fur but was pronouncing it wrong the entire time.)

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A Questionable Transaction

| USA | Extra Stupid

(I’m a photographer and sell some of my photos as stock images. They’re not the extra professional photos that you will find at an art exhibition, but are clear, bright, and detailed photos that can’t (or can hardly) be taken by a point-and-shoot camera. They’re mostly from moments like testing a new lens or when I get bored and just snap a shot of a pair of shoes for no reason. I just figure I can squeeze some money out of these shots. Please also note that it’s instant download: you click the payment button on my website, pay, and then get the link to download, so no communication is needed. I believed it couldn’t be any more simple. I guess I was wrong since sometimes I receive emails, and this one is recent:)

Customer:” I’m writing some books for children and I need two photos. How much would this cost?”

(The price is cheap and the policy that is already written on my website is simple. It’s basically “just pay me and you get the image without watermark to use for whatever purpose, as long as you want and as many times as you want.” I do have an FAQ page for obvious reasons, though. So, out of courtesy, I just copy-paste a part of the FAQ for them.)

Me: “Price is [price], which is visible next to each image on my website, and also in the FAQ page.”

Customer: *two days later* “I have some more questions. Will I have commercial rights for the photos and do you need to be credited as the photographer on my book.”

Me: “Yes and yes.”

Customer: *another two days* “But you don’t expect to receive anything from book sales? I only have to pay one?”

Me: “Please read the FAQ page for my terms. All the answers are in there.”

Customer: *disappears for a week before sending another message* “I will order this weekend.”

(On Monday, I receive this:)

Customer: “One last question before I order: My children’s book 8 x 11. Will the 72dpi work for a book that size or does the book need to be smaller for the 72dpi drawings to work?”

(I have two different prices for 72dpi and 300dpi.)

Me: *really wanted to tell them I’m out of business now, but also wanted to see how this would end* “If you’re going to print it out, you’ll normally need 300dpi. But if it’s just ebook then 72 dpi is enough.”

Customer: “Can you crop the images for me?”

Me: *I thought your last question was… the last question?* “Sure, if you pay extra.”

Customer: *disappears*

(All of this is over two $5 photos with unlimited usage.)

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