Customer: “I would like a bagel toasted, please.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. What would you like on that?”

Customer: “Oh, well, it’s very complicated, so just toast it and I’ll tell you. You people always mess it up.”

(A line is forming behind the lady, and I usually am required to take more than one order at once while orders are cooking. In order to make it easier on both of us, I grab a pen and paper.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’ll go ahead and write it down, and you can go sit down if you’d like.”

Customer: “Fine, okay. I want mustard. Both sides. Muenster cheese. Both sides. And tomato! On both sides! I want the cheese melted over the tomatoes.”

(This is quite a simple order.)

Me: “All right, ma’am. I’ll have it right to you, then.”

(I prepare her sandwich and wrap it up, handing it off to her.)

Customer: “Uck.”

Me: “I’m sorry? Is there something I can help with?”

Customer: “You closed it.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “You closed it. You… Never mind! Forget it!”

(The lady walks away, before coming back five minutes later. She complains her bagel was wrong, and I am very surprised. As she’s ordering from a coworker, I hear her describe her sandwich order exactly the same way to her as she did to me.)

Me: “Pardon, ma’am, that’s how I made your sandwich. Did I do something wrong?”

Customer: “Yes, well, I asked for it on both sides!”

(I come to find out, after a lot of questioning, that “BOTH sides” meant an open-faced sandwich, served on a plate. Not once had she ever asked for it in any way for that to make sense.)

Customer: “Well! None of your employees seem to understand how to listen!“

Manager: *to me* “What happened?”

Me: *explains*

Manager: “Oh, my God. People!”

(She has since become a regular and complains every time about something. Why she comes back, I don’t know.)

(During a very busy hour of my shift, I get one customer who comes through my line. She comes in quite regularly to the point that I recognize her, but I don’t I know much about her. As I ring her up she starts speaking Spanish. I’m unsure if she’s even speaking to me, since she is with her daughter, so I don’t answer. I notice she keeps repeating the same phrase, so I reply:)

Me: “No hablo español.”

Customer: *mutters under her breath* “Well, you should learn.”

(Working in a community that is mostly Mexican, this isn’t an uncommon comment. I continue on, and she gives me a coupon that my store offers. As she is about to pay she looks up and says:)

Customer: “I want the $3 off on just the food.”

(She’s paying with food stamps.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that, ma’am; the coupon takes off the amount overall. I would have no way of focusing the coupon on certain items.”

Customer: *looks at me for a minute* “Okay, then separate the transactions!”

(I take out all her non-food items, which leaves her with less than the required amount that the coupon dictates – it’s $3 off a $30 minimum purchase.)

Customer: *starts to shout* “This is ridiculous! Where is your supervisor?”

(I point to myself, since I just happen to be the front-end manager. She gets even more angry.)

Customer: “I would like your corporate number; I shouldn’t be treated this way! I’ve been coming here since the beginning!”

(I’ve been working for the store since it opened, so I knew THAT was a lie. I gave her my name and the number, and let my coworker handle the rest since he actually spoke Spanish. I hope she actually wastes her time trying to get me fired, because I put in my two weeks notice a few days ago.)

(I work at a take-away restaurant. It’s already afternoon, ten minutes until closing time. The whole day has been really busy, and my coworker and I are trying to keep up with the work as best as we can. I am currently at the other side of the store, cleaning, when I see that a couple has entered and is waiting at the counter. Immediately I put my broom aside and rush over to them, quickly washing my hands on the way.)

Me: *trying to catch my breath* “Hello!” *inhale* “Good evening!” *inhale* “Excuse me.” *clearing my throat and putting on a welcoming smile* “What can I get for you?”

(The couple gives me a strange looks. Then, the man comes closer to the counter, dramatically imitating my panting, while looking at me as if I am some kind of degenerated monkey.)

Customer: *HUFF HUFF HUFF* “Are you finished yet, or do we have to wait some more time until we can place our order?”

(They then bought two small sandwiches and proceeded to stay way past closing time, leaving a huge mess behind.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Rental Car Agency] Roadside. This is [My Name] speaking. How may I assist?”

Customer: “I have four flat tires and need a tow.”

Me: “Oh, my. Everyone okay?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(We verify the customer is who he says he is, and go over his coverage. I then contact the location where the car was rented from. After that…)

Customer: *very angry* “What do you mean, I’ll have to pay for the service and tires?”

Me: “I’ve contacted the manager at the location, and they stated you drove out of the location out of the entrance and ran over the spikes.”

Customer: “That’s not my fault!”

Customer: “Where can I find ‘wazzzzher blades’?”

Me: “Can you please repeat the item?”

Customer: “YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE ‘WAZZZZHER BLADES’ ARE? You’re f****** useless. You shouldn’t work at a hardware store.”

(Later, he came up to ring out with razor blades.)

Customer: “Here. For future reference, this is a ‘wazzzzher blade.’”

Me: “You mean a razor blade?”

Customer: “In my family, we say, ‘wazzzzher.’ Don’t f****** correct me.”