A customer is looking at our matinee movie times.

Customer: “What time does Mission: Impossible finish?”

Me: “6 PM, sir.”

Customer: “What?! Is there an hour of ads or something?!”

Me: “No, but the movie is almost three hours long.”

Customer: “Three hours! For a Mission: Impossible! Why so long?!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s kinda long, but they try to make it connect to the other seven movies before this one, so it feels more epic.”

Customer: “There have been eight of these movies?!”

Me: “That’s right!”

Customer: “I’m beginning to think these missions are possible.”

I work at a locally owned pet supply store, and since we’re such a small business, we need to have a fairly strict return policy when it comes to certain items. For the context of this story, all of our dog apparel needs to be returned within thirty days (we can be somewhat flexible with this depending on the situation) and also needs to still be in sellable condition.

A customer comes in with a harness, still on the hanger, asking to return it because it was too small. I’m a sort-of manager and have the last and final say on whether we take a return or not, but this lady seems pleasant enough, so my coworker starts the return process.

After inspecting the harness, she notices that it’s pretty dirty and it’s pretty noticeable since it’s a light green harness. She turns to me to ask for confirmation that it isn’t something we can take.

Me: *Looking at the harness and then over to the customer.* “Did you end up actually using the harness for your dog at all before bringing it back?”

Customer: “Yes, I did, but the girl who helped me said I could bring it back as long as I still had the tags on it.”

I’m not sure I totally believe that’s all she was told, since that’s usually the part staff put the least emphasis on; we can still take something back without tags as long as it’s within the return window and clean, and we all tend to make sure that customers know about the other details before mentioning the tags at all.

Me: “Alright, well, there are a few spots that have dirt on them, and we do also need items to be in resellable condition to take them back.”

Customer: *Starting to have a serious attitude.* “Well, is that not in sellable condition?! That was a $40 harness. Can you just hand me a wipe or something? I’m not going to go back home just to clean it.”

She continues to demand we give her a sanitizing wipe for a solid couple of minutes, with us trying to get her to just take it home and clean it.

Coworker: “I don’t think a wipe is going to do anything.”

Which she was 100% right about, these looked like older mud stains that may have been cleaned off once, not anything fresh that could be easily wiped off.

Customer: “Well, can I just try? I can’t believe you’re making this big of a deal out of it; you can barely see it. Am I supposed to take it home and wash it?”

Coworker: “I do think washing it would have the best chance of getting the dirt off.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you just wash it? Don’t you have a washing machine here?”

Now we DO have a washing machine, but I’m not sure why she assumed that we HAD to have one since this is the only store I’ve worked at that does. We also were 100% not giving her money back on something that may or may not actually be able to be cleaned fully. So no, lady, we’re not washing this harness for you.

Customer: “Fine, I guess I’ll just take it home with me, but I don’t think I’ll be shopping with you in the future.”

She heads towards the door.

Customer: “That policy is ridiculous; nowhere else has rules like that.”

Me: “Okay, sorry, we just work here.”

Coworker: “It’s the store’s policy, we can’t really do anything.”

Customer: *Standing in the doorway with the door partially open, still ranting.* “I know it’s not you girls’ fault, but I really just can’t believe that’s your policy. I guess I’ll go back home and wash it, then maybe I’ll come back and try to return it, but I’m probably just going to go back to shopping at [Competitor]. The girl who helped me swore up and down that this would fit my dog. You guys are too expensive anyway. I won’t be back. That policy is really just so unreasonable.”

Us: “Okay, bye…”

Out of curiosity, we looked at the purchase history for that harness. The last sale was six months ago, and the person who did that transaction was one of our only male coworkers, so we’re not even sure that was her since she insisted it was a “girl” who helped her.

I can’t wait to see if she gets it clean enough to try to bring it back again, and how she’ll react when she finds out it’s waaay past the return window anyway. If she hadn’t thrown a huge tantrum, we may have bent the rules around the thirty days, but she ruined her chances there.

I have just had a group sit with me. I am explaining the unique nature of our menu.

Me: “This side is the regular menu, but if you flip it over, it shows all of our vegetarian and vegan options.”

Customer: “I don’t want the woke menu.”

Me: “I… uh… you can just keep looking at this side of the menu, and you should be fine.”

Customer: “Why do you need to have a woke menu in the first place? This is why this country is going downhill!”

Me: “I… sir, I am just stating that one side of the menu is exclusively vegetarian and vegan. It’s to help our customers who want to be able to order from a full menu but don’t have to check if it contains meat.”

Customer: “Exactly! You’re just catering to the woke mob!”

The customer’s friends are telling him to be quiet and “shut up”, but he doubles down.

Customer: “What’s next? A special gay menu for all the gays?”

Me: “Sir, are you going to order food?”

He picks up the menu, grunts, and waves me away. I take this as a ‘yes’ and go get the table some waters. They do actually order, and things seem to be going okay, until my manager came over and told me that the guy at the table was complaining and wanted his food comped.

Manager: “Do you have any idea why he’s complaining?”

Me: “He thinks eating vegetables is catering to the woke mob.”

Manager: “Ah. A moron. Gotcha. This should be easy.”

My manager comped nothing. He also tipped nothing, but his friends tipped extra to make up for it. His friends have since been back without him, so hopefully they ditched him.

It is April 8, 2024, and it’s solar eclipse day in the USA. Our convenience store has a sign up saying we’re closing during the eclipse so that we can all go outside and enjoy seeing it.

Customer: *Reading the sign.* “You guys, too? Everyone is making too much of a fuss over this eclipse thing.”

Me: “Well, it only lasts a few minutes, but the next one won’t be until 2044, so we’d like to be able to see it.”

Customer: “I still don’t see what all the fuss is about. So we see the dark side of the sun for a few minutes.”

Me: “Hmm, well that’s not actually what happens. It’s the moon blocking the sun.”

Customer: “Don’t be so stupid.”

Me: “I’m… not? That’s what an eclipse is.”

Customer: “How can the sun be blocked by the moon when they’re the same thing?”

Me: “Because… uh… wow. They’re not.”

Customer: “The sun is for the daytime, and it becomes the moon at nighttime.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that isn’t true at all. They’re separate objects.”

Customer: “And you know this how?”

Me: “Uh… well, it’s just basic science. I learned it as a kid at school.”

Customer: “Science is stupid anyways.”

Me: “Is it? Is science what’s stupid?”

They got their smokes and went about their business, and I closed up to enjoy ‘the dark side of the sun.’

Related:
Some Customers Literally Want The Moon

I’m slicing meats for a customer. He’s tapping his foot impatiently.

Customer: “Why is it taking so long? I’ve got to be on the road in ten minutes.”

Me: “I just need another minute or two for your half-pound of turkey.”

Customer: “It shouldn’t take this long. At the place I usually go, they have it ready before I even finish ordering.”

Me: “That’s wild. I guess I missed the memo where we started slicing meat via telepathy.”

Customer: “Don’t be cute! You think saying that makes you cute?”

Me: “No, I think saying that makes me someone who knows turkey takes longer than tantrums.”