Customer: “I have an extended warranty for my shredder here.”

Me: “Okay.” *I look at receipt* “Um, this is from 2006.”

Customer: “No, it’s from 2009.”

Me: “Nope, this is from 2006. See the date here, how it says, ‘09/01/06’? That means it was purchased on September 1, 2006.”

Customer: “No, the ‘09’ is the year. The year is listed first.”

Me: “No, the year is last.” *I grab a recently-printed receipt to show her* “See?”

Customer: “Then it must have changed.”

Me: “It didn’t change. But, either way, even if this was from 2009, it’s still too long ago; the extended warranty is only good for an extra year.”

Customer: “No! This shredder is warrantied for five years, so this gives me six years total! So, even if it was purchased in 2006, you can still use it! It’s good for six years!”

Me: “2006 was nine years ago. It’s 2015.”

Customer: “It doesn’t matter! It’s from 2009!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but it’s not. It’s from 2006. I haven’t even actually seen these warranty pamphlets, and I’ve been working here for seven years.”

Customer: “Well, that’s weird, because it’s from 2009!”

Me: “I don’t know what else to tell you… because it’s from 2006.”

Customer: “I don’t know what else to tell you, either, because it’s from 2009! The year is listed first!”

Nearby Associate: “No, the year is always last. I’ve actually never seen the year listed first. Anywhere.”

(The dry cleaner where I work does onsite alterations with a seamstress on duty. The various sewing machines are clearly visible from the outside.)

Customer: “Oh my! You do sewing!”

(I get this often, and it’s usually from customers confirming said fact or expressing that they are pleased that we do it. My coworker is sewing a garment now.)

Customer: “Do you have a seamstress here?”

Me: “Yes, she is right there.”

(Keep in mind that the customer has looked at her.)

Customer: *to [Coworker]* “So, you do sewing?”

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, all types.”

Customer: “Where are you from?”

Coworker: “Poland. I immigrated 30 years ago!”

Customer: “Well, are you sure you can handle simple tasks?”

Coworker: *looks at me, unsure what to do*

Me: *getting angry* “Ma’am, her birth country has nothing to do with her exemplary sewing skills.”

Customer: “There is no reason for you to get nasty with me.”

Me: “Ma’am, there is no reason to question her abilities based on her country of origin.”

Customer: “Well! I am new to the area and wanted to find a dry cleaner, but I see I will not be using this one!

Me & Coworker: *almost at the same time* “That’s fine!”

(My friend and I both work in gastro-service in this town. We spend the evening at another local cafe. When we finish up, we notice we’re the last customers left, so we decide to pay quickly as we know how annoying it can be to wait around for just two customers.)

Me: *paying at the till* “By the way, when do you guys close?”

Server: “Oh, at 9:00 pm, so not for another two hours.”

My Friend: “Oh, good! We thought we’d already overstayed the closing time and you were just waiting for us to finally get out.” *laughs*

Server: “Oh, no, we would never do that! It’s fine for guests to stay longer; we’d just have to start cleaning up around other parts of the cafe.”

Me: “Sure, but it’s still bothersome to have people who just won’t leave.”

Server: “It’s fine, really. We’ve got a lot of things to get done; we wouldn’t throw anyone out just because it’s closing time.”

Me: “Listen, we both work in gastro-service, too. We know how it feels.”

Server: “Oh! Oh, thank God. I couldn’t think of another nice way to answer this without sounding patronising.”

(We stayed for another half-hour, chatting about our work and the troubles you sometimes get with customers. The server seemed really relieved we weren’t going to make any trouble.)

Customer: “I sent my [item] off to you over two weeks ago for repair and still haven’t received it back. I want to know when I will get it.”

Me: “Let me just have a look at your details.” *pause* “Okay, it seems we sent it via courier last week and it is meant to be next-day, so I will just check the tracking for you.” *pause* “It says that the courier was unable to deliver, as you were not in, so they would have left a card, instead. They made a second attempt, but unfortunately, they were unable to deliver for the same reason.”

Customer: “That is a lie. I am unemployed, so I am always in, and I have not received any notes through my door.”

Me: “I am very sorry about that. Could I just check that the driver was in the right place? The photo they have taken shows a block of flats with three floors, a blue door, and [road sign]?”

Customer: “Yes, that is right, but they did not turn up.”

Me: “It may be that they had trouble getting in or finding the right door. Is it a standard buzzer system, or is there a specific way you need to get in?”

Customer: “We have buzzers, but mine is turned off as I do not like to be disturbed.”

Me: “Ah, that may be why, then. If you like, I can rearrange delivery for tomorrow, and if you give me an email address or mobile number we can ask them to send you a message with an hour time slot in the morning.”

Customer: “Can you tell them to come at 12:30?”

Me: “Sorry, we are not involved with planning the routes; as they make so many deliveries a day, it just depends on where you live compared with the other customers. That is why they give you an hour slot in the morning, so you aren’t stuck waiting all day.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. If I give you my landline number, can you get them to call me when they are outside? I do not want them having my mobile or email address.”

Me: “I don’t think they are able to do that, as the only customer details we are able to put in are mobile-format numbers and email addresses. But if you would be able to turn your buzzer on tomorrow, then you will be able to get it back.”

Customer: “I already told you, I don’t want to be disturbed, and I am not turning it back on for them to deliver it. Get me back my [item].”

Me: “If you are unwilling to turn on the buzzer so that the courier can request to be let in, I can either rearrange it for tomorrow and you will need to stare out of the window all day or call us to ask for the new delivery slot and watch out for them.”

Customer: “I am not calling you again to find out when they are coming. Make them call my landline.”

Me: “Again, I am unable to enter landline number; it must be mobile-format. If you do not wish to do that, then you can go to their depot.”

(Her depot turned out to be ten miles away, but she decided that, as she had a car, it would be easier for her to go there, rather than turn her buzzer on to let the delivery driver in.)

(I work in the deli. A coworker of mine from the customer service desk delivers packaging of a returned rotisserie chicken. I notice it has a sticker on it indicating that the item was marked down to half-price when it was purchased. When I look at the receipt, I notice something wrong.)

Me: “Uh, [Coworker]?”

Coworker: “Yeah?”

Me: “I see that this chicken was marked down to half-price, but looking at this receipt, it shows that the customer was refunded the full price.”

Coworker: “Yep… My boss told me to just give them the full refund, anyway.”

Me: “The reason it was returned was because the chicken was ‘a little dry,’ meaning the customer ate it. We actually paid the customer to eat our chicken?”

Coworker: “Lovely, isn’t it?”

Me: *long pause* “That’s it! I’m quitting and starting my career eating half-price chicken, effective immediately!”