Don’t Count On It

| ON, Canada | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Math & Science

(We have school contracts at our restaurant that allows schools to buy pizza at a reduced price for resale. One such school has been calling every single order to complain, and giving us trouble every week, usually about them missing pizza. Finally, our district manager decides to deliver the pizzas personally, to make sure everything is right this time. Soon, we get this call.)

School: “Hi, I was calling because your driver left the pizza bags here. Were you going to pick them up?”

(Curious about why our manager would leave the expensive bags there, we wait for her to come back to ask.)

District Manager: “Oh, that? They asked me if I had an hour to wait for them to count the pizzas. I said ‘nope’ and walked out.”

Assistant Manager: “Why would it take them an hour to count 40 pizzas?”

District Manager: “Honestly? I don’t think they can count…”

Ignore The Code Of Practise

| ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Popular

(At this restaurant, there are certain situations where a manager must use a code to authorize a purchase. A customer walks up to my till, places a large order, and pays with a $50 bill.)

Me: “Hey, [Manager], can I get a code?”

Customer: “A code?”

Me: “Yeah, sometimes I need a manager code to process a transaction.”

Customer: *suddenly starts yelling* “Did I SAY I wanted a manager, you little s***?! Just give me my d*** food!”

Me: “Miss, I can’t do that without a manager. If you pay an amount over $50, then—”

Customer: “I. DON’T. WANT. A F***ING. MANAGER!”

Me: “Do you have a credit card, miss?”

Customer: “NO! Why the f*** would I have my credit card? I’m paying cash!”

Me: “If you don’t have a credit card, I need a manager.”

Manager: “[My Name], what’s going on here?”

Me: “Well, this—”

Customer: “Are you a manager? Get the f*** out of here! I don’t want a f***ing manager! I just want my f***ing food!”

Me: “Miss, I’ve tried to—”

Manager: “[My Name], what have I been telling you? The customer is always right, remember?”

Me: “But—”

Manager: “Now, this lady says she doesn’t want a manager. Okay? If she doesn’t want a manager, she’s not getting one.”

Me: “[Manager], she needs a—”

Manager: *winks* “What did I just tell you, [My Name]? She. Doesn’t. Need. A. Manager.”

Me: *catching on* “Sorry. I forgot. You should probably get back to what you were doing, then.”

Manager: *leaves*

Me: “Sorry about that, miss.”

Customer: *scoffs* “It’s about d*** time. Now give me my food.”

Me: “Do you happen to have any other cash on you?”

Customer: “What? No. Why the f*** would I have any more cash? All I need is the f***ing fifty.”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, since you’re paying $50, I need a manager code to authorize this. And since you don’t want a manager, I’m afraid I can’t sell you anything. Can I help you with anything else today?”

Customer: “I’LL BURN THIS F***ING PLACE TO THE GROUND!” *storms out*

Dispatched With Relative(s) Ease

| CO, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, Popular

(I work in a family restaurant. The family is an elderly couple who pass their restaurant onto their two children, a brother and sister.)

Customer: “I’m [Male Owner]’s brother, and he always gives me a discount.”

Me: *seeing red flags* “Oh, okay. What’s your name?”

Customer: “Ryan.”

Me: “Okay, he’s actually here right now. I’ll let him know you’re here.”

Customer: *practically jumping out of his chair* “NO, don’t do that! It’s busy. I don’t want to bother him.”

Me: “Don’t be silly! We only have a few tables. He’d be mad if I didn’t tell him you were here. Plus, you’re family. He can set aside a few minutes. I’ll have him come out here, and I’ll let him know you want a discount, too.”

(I walk away, but instead of walking to the back, I walk right to the hostess stand and wait. I watch them as they get up, get their coats, and begin to leave, avoiding eye contact with me.)

Me: *with a patronizing half-smile* “Have a good night.”

I’m Not A Snake Oil Salesman

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Pets & Animals, Popular

(I run a small business catching and relocating venomous snakes from people’s yards and public areas. Australia is up top of the list for deadliest snakes in the world. I get a phone call one morning from a very anxious person saying they had a black snake in their yard. From the accent it sounds like they are not local to Australia.)

Me: “Can you see the snake right now?”

Customer: “YES! YES! YES! It’s right beside the kid’s pool. Come get it! Get it now!”

Me: “Okay, sir, slow down a moment and give me your address, and just to advise it’s a $[total] call out fee, even if the snake moves away.”

Customer: “That’s fine! Come get it!”

(I quickly drive to the address, armed with my usual equipment, to meet the petrified client, who rushes me into the backyard and points towards a little wading pool for the kids. I move towards it carefully and to my shock… it’s the customer’s garden hose. He didn’t want to pay but he also didn’t like it when I pulled one of the boxes out of my car with a six-foot Eastern Brown Snake in it and told him I needed a place to relocate this snake to. The cash appeared quickly after that.)

Disconnected From Reality

| Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I am doing troubleshooting over the phone with a woman whose office phone is acting up.)

Me: “So, I’m going to get you to reboot your phone. All you need to do is unplug the cable in the back of the base.”

Customer: “This data cable?”

Me: “Yes, that’s the one, but don’t do it yet or we’ll be disconnect— Hello? Hello?”