This Stadium Will Rise From The Ashes!

, , , , , | Right | July 10, 2020

I work for a major sports team at their stadium. A common request from diehard fans is to have their ashes scattered on the playing field after they pass. The team’s policy is to deny such requests.

One day, a small plane flies over the stadium and a container is seen falling from the plane onto the roof and bouncing off. The plane is from a company that contracts with families to scatter cremains at about 1,500 feet in the air, usually over the water or up in the mountains. In this case, the drop mechanism malfunctioned, and rather than scattering the cremains into the air, the whole container dropped off the plane.

Since everybody is very jumpy about potential terrorism, someone calls 911 and the fire department calls for a complete hazmat response: suspicious white powder dropped from a low-flying plane.

The stadium is completely evacuated and the streets around the stadium are blocked off for several hours, all because of some ashes!

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Has Bags Over His Ears

, , , , | Right | July 9, 2020

I’m working at the cash register at a toy store. A customer comes up and dumps his items on the counter, completely absorbed in his iPhone.

Me: “Hi there. How are you tonight?”

Customer: *Silence*

Me: “All right, then, do you need a gift receipt for any of these?”

Customer: *Silence*

Me: “Sir, do you need a gift receipt?”

Customer: “What? Oh, no, it’s fine.”

We need to ask this before scanning anything because you cannot go back and add a gift receipt later. I proceed to scan his items.

Me: “Would you like a bag or would you rather carry it?”

Customer: *Silence*

I repeat myself several more times, each time a little louder. Plastic bags cost five cents so we need to actually ask.

Me:Sir! Would you like a bag or not?”

Customer: “Oh, what? Bag? No, it’s fine.”

I tell him the total and he goes about paying with a credit card. The second the receipt comes out, he FINALLY looks up at me.

Customer: “Oh, and I need a gift receipt and a bag.”

I facepalmed.

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20,000 Reasons To Say No

, , , , | Right | July 9, 2020

I am working a Saturday overnight — until 5:00 am — shift at a convenience store. Two guys come in around 2:45 and start looking through the beer cooler. Iowa stops sales of all alcohol at 2:00 am. I tell them that it is too late to buy alcohol, but one of them brings a 12-pack up to the counter anyway.

Me: “Sorry, but I can’t sell that to you. The cutoff time is 2:00.”

Customer: “Aw, c’mon. Just this once.”

Me: “Sorry. No can do. The registers are programmed to not allow the sales.”

Customer: “Can’t I just leave you the money, and you ring it up when the register will let you?”

Me: “Nope. My shift ends before that. Besides—”

I point at the various security cameras in the store.

Me: “It would be too hard to hide.”

I’m still being polite, despite starting to get frustrated by his refusal to take no for an answer.

Customer: “How much would it take for you to let me walk out of here with this beer?”

Now, my patience is exhausted, but I’m still trying to keep my temper.

Me: “$20,000.”

The customer’s mouth hangs open in shock.

Me: “You’re going to pay my fine, the store’s fine, and the store’s lost sales for their liquor license being suspended.”

He then left with no further argument.

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, , , , , | Right | July 9, 2020

Customer: “Yes, I would like to buy insurance for me and my husband, please.”

Me: “Okay, I’m going to need some information. What are your names and current address?”

The customer gives me their information.

Me: “Do either of you have any arrests on your records?”

Customer: “No.”

I look them up on my computer and find out that the husband has been arrested for DUI.

Me: “I’m sorry, but it seems like I’m going to have to deny coverage for your husband because he has been arrested for DUI.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah. You’re not supposed to count that; it wasn’t his fault.”

Me: “Not his fault? And how is that exactly?”

Customer: “Our lawyer said that it would be expunged from his record.”

Me: “Well, it sounds like you need to get in contact with your lawyer about that before I can approve your coverage.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.” *Click*

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Dressed Up For Your Non-Birthday

, , | Right | July 9, 2020

An old gentleman with a walker comes up to me.

Old Gentleman: “Is it your birthday?”

Me: “Um… no? Mine was in the spring.”

Old Gentleman: “Oh. The last two ladies I talked to in the photo department, it was their birthday.”

Me: “Nice timing!”

Later, after I punch out and head for the door, he asks where to find a specific candy he likes. I lead him to it.

Me: “So, all jazzed up. What’s the occasion?”

He has on a dark suit and a tie.

Old Gentleman: “Well, today I went to the doctor, then I got a haircut, and now I’m here at [Store] on my way home.”

Me: *Confused* “A suit, to get your haircut?”

Old Gentleman: “No, the doctor’s office, for the nurses!” *Sly wink*

Very sweet customer!

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