About To Get Cheesed Off

, , , , , | Right | June 14, 2018

(I work in a bakery in a little village, close to two other bakeries that are quite popular in the UK. A customer and his wife enter.)

Customer: “Could I have a meat pasty, please?”

Me: “Of course. Would you like anything else?”

Customer: “No. Don’t mix up my pasty with the cheese pasty; I’m allergic to cheese.”

Me: “Don’t worry; we store the vegetarian options in a different heater from the meat products, and have to use different tongs so nothing gets passed over.”

Customer: “Good, you don’t want a lawsuit!”

Me: “There we go. £1.10, please.”

(He and his wife leave, only for him to return a few minutes later, screaming while entering the shop.)

Customer: “You daft b****, are you trying to f****** kill me?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You gave me a f****** cheese pasty!”

Me: “Impossible, you watched me go into the meat section.”

(I start to look around for his wife, hoping maybe she can calm the situation, when he begins furiously waving the pasty in my face.)

Customer: “I should f****** sue! I’ll own you and everything your family owns!”

(I start to look at the pasty more closely and realise something isn’t right.)

Me: “May I please look at that pasty?”

Customer: “Here you go, you stupid cow.” *throws pasty* “I’m going to want a loyalty card here for life, and free food.”

Me: “Sir, this pasty isn’t from our shop.”

Customer: “Liar.”

Me: “This isn’t the markings we have on our cheese pasties; this is [Competitor]’s pasty.”

Customer: *starting to realise he’s been caught out* “No, definitely bought it from this shop. I’m sure. Look: a loyalty card will suffice, and then I’ll be on my way.”

(His wife then walks in, holding our competitor’s bakery bag and eating a pasty, surprise surprise.)

Me: “Sir, I believe the pasty I served you, your wife is eating.”

Customer: *grabs his wife by the arm and starts to make a hasty exit* “For f***’s sake woman! I nearly got a loyalty card and free food then!”

(Apparently, he was well known for this tactic, although I don’t believe his wife normally helped his cover.)

Pay Up Or Lock Up

, , , , , | Right | June 14, 2018

(This happens to a coworker of mine, in a rather pricey restaurant. The way the system works, the waitresses collect all money from patrons, and settle up with the office at the end of the night. Whatever is left is the waitress’s tips. So, if someone runs out on the tab, the waitress takes the shortage, not the restaurant. Four teenagers come in, order rather pricey meals, and run out on the tab. The waitress runs out to the parking lot, and runs behind their car trying to flag them down as they laugh and wave and drive off. The waitress gets a description of the car and calls the police. Fifteen minutes later, the local sheriff arrives with the kids in tow.)

Sheriff: “All right, what’s going on?”

Kids: “Oh, it was an accident! We totally forgot! We are sorry!”

Sheriff: “Yep, just a little communication problem. Happens all the time. What do they owe, miss?”

Waitress: “They owe [four times the amount of the actual check].”

Kids: “No way! We only owe [original amount].”

Waitress: “I added a service charge for the inconvenience, and for the pain and suffering I’ve endured.”

Sheriff: “Well, kids, that seems reasonable to me, but you don’t have to pay. We’ll just go down to the station and talk it over down there.”

(The kids decided to pay.)

Besssssst To Call Ahead

, , , | Right | June 14, 2018

(The standard way to get Internet via DSL in Germany is using the telephone line; all households have a special telephone outlet built in the wall along with the standard European power outlets and cable outlets for TV.)

Me: “This is the technical service of [ISP]. My name is [My Name], and I assume I’m speaking to Mr. [Caller]?”

Caller: “Hello, yes, exactly. You see, my Internet won’t work!”

Me: “Hello, sir. Yes, the lady from first level told me about your problem. Can you describe what the LED indicators on your router are doing and what kind of a router do you use?”

(It’s an expensive and a very stable router, which doesn’t belong to the ISP brand, but on rare occasions I do make an exception and help with minor issues, since I have the exact same box at home. In this case, however, it seems that nothing is wrong with the box. I then ask the customer to tell me about the indicators and what he’s already tried, while doing a bunch of tests and trying multiple things to bring him back online.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Unfortunately, I can’t just repair it like this; it doesn’t work. Everything seems normal, but the connection just isn’t there. It may be your telephone outlet, but I’ll have to send a field technician to check it out, and exchange it if necessary.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t really like this, but you did really try.”

(We then book an appointment for him.)

Caller: “Oh, and one important thing: is it possible for your guy to call about 30 minutes before coming?”

Me: “They usually call before they have to check something in someone’s house.”

Caller: “Yes, but how long before? I have to prepare everything here.”

Me: “Let me think… The last time I got a field tech at home, he called about 15 minutes earlier to ask if it was okay. But you don’t need to prepare anything; I can assure you our techs know what they’re doing.”

Caller: “Oh, you see, I don’t know how to explain this, but since he’s going to work on my telephone outlet… You see, it’s behind a giant snake terrarium!”

(Needless to say, I wrote that down with the extra plea to call the customer a bit earlier.)

Imagine If His Numbers Came Up That Night?

, , , , | Right | June 14, 2018

(One day, an older gentleman has a medical issue causing him to lose control of his vehicle. After he loses control, his truck jumps the sidewalk, barrels through our parking lot, and crashes through one of our large windows. There is now gasoline leaking from his car throughout the store, and the crash knocked out the electricity and knocked over a large section of shelving. This conversation happens while they are pulling his truck out of the building.)

Regular: “Are you guys open?”

Me: *looks over at the ambulances, fire truck, and large tow truck, and then at the large truck jutting out from the store* “No, we can’t even enter the store to get our personal items.”

Regular: “Are you sure? I really need my lottery.”

(The older gentlemen was fine besides getting a broken ring and pinky finger, and no customers were in the store besides, luckily, an off-duty EMT.)

A Vertical Slice Of Bad Customers

, , , , | Right | June 14, 2018

(I’m delivering a pizza. At the time, the standard tip is $1 to $3. Also, for safety reasons, we only carry about $20 in small bills for change.)

Me: *starting my standard spiel as the door opens* “Good evening. Your order comes to…”

(Instead of an adult, a little boy of about three has answered. He’s got a bunch of money in one of his fists.)

Mother: *from far side of apartment* “Give him the money, sweetie.”

(The boy holds up his fist with the money, and I take it from him. With bills and coins, the amount he’s given me is the exact total; no tip is included.)

Me: *not wanting to give a hot pizza to a little child* “Ma’am, do you want to come get this?”

Mother: “No, give it to [Boy]. He can handle it.”

(I hand the pizza to the boy as carefully as I can. He turns away, holding the pizza vertically, and the door closes. I resign myself to getting no tip; it happens.)

Mother: *opening door as I’m walking away* “Oh, wait! Do you have change for a $20?”

Me: *thinking she’s going to tip me from breaking her $20* “Sure, ma’am. Here’s 5, 10, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, and 20.”

Mother: *recounts change* “Okay, thanks! Bye!” *closes door without tipping*

(I then had to continue to my next delivery without any change, and without a tip.)

Page 6/4,281First...45678...Last
« Previous
Next »