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Next Time, Order The Unobtanium

, , , , , , | Right | June 1, 2023

I have a moment during my teenage years that I’m not particularly proud of. I bought something from a scientific catalog called the “Impossiball”. It was basically a half-foam, half-rubber ball that wobbled in the air and didn’t roll down ramps because of its undistributed weight. The magazine described it as “defying gravity,” and I, being the idiot thirteen-year-old that I was, got mad and called the company.

Me: “You guys have some false advertising! When I opened the package, the ball didn’t float!”

Employee: “You’re complaining because a $3 ball doesn’t float in mid-air?”

To this day, I have no idea what I was thinking.

Maybe They Got The “Ho” And Their Tongue Is Swollen

, , , , | Working | June 1, 2023

I went to a fast food restaurant and put in my order. Please note, the spelling is deliberate to demonstrate how hard it was to understand the employee.

Employee: “Wha’ kina sauce you wan’?”

Me: “What are my choices?”

The employee listed them.

Me: “I’ll have the mustard sauce.”

Employee: “Ho, mee, ow moi?”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Employee: “Ho, mee, ow moi?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”

Employee: “HO, MEE, OW MOI?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, can you get someone else?”

Manager: “Did you want hot, medium, or mild sauce with that?”

Me: “Neither. I wanted mustard.”

I got my condiment, wondering how the employee got “hot sauce” from “mustard”. Also, a little enunciation, please?

Sometimes “It Goes Without Saying”… Doesn’t

, , , , | Related | June 1, 2023

It’s the 1990s. My father calls me one night.

Father: “You have to come right now!”

He is a bit agitated and doesn’t even say hi or hello.

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Father: “I can’t set the date and time on my new VCR!”

Me: “Did you follow the manual?”

Father: “Yes! Of course! I have tried several times and it does not work.”

Me: “Are you sure you followed the manual?”

Father:Yes! Come. Here. Now!

I go over to my parents’ house, grab the remote and the manual, follow the instructions, and…


The date and time are set.

Father: “What did you do?!”

Me: “Just what the manual told me.”

Father: “You must have done something else! I tried several times. It didn’t work!”

Me: “No, I just followed the instructions.”

Father: “You must have done something else!”

Me: “Well… I turned the VCR on first…”

But the instructions didn’t say that you had to start the VCR first; I have to give him that.

The Red Flag In The Red Dress

, , , , , , , , , , | Right | May 30, 2023

I am a manager working the front desk at a hotel that is currently hosting a large wedding. I see a woman in a red dress being escorted out of the reception space, along with some of the groomsmen. A groomsman and a member of security approach me.

Groomsman: “This woman is not a guest of the wedding and is not to be allowed in the ballroom.”

Woman: “This is a public space! I’m allowed to be here!”

Me: “Ma’am, this is a hotel, not a public space. The ballroom is hired for a private event, so if you’re not a guest, you’re not allowed in there.”

Woman: “I have every right to be there! That b**** stole my man, and I have every right to fight to get him back!”

It is now obvious this woman has been drinking.

Groomsman: “For God’s sake, [Woman], you broke up seven years ago!”

Woman: “He was supposed to come back to me!”

Groomsman: “You dumped him!

Woman: “To teach him a lesson!”

Groomsman: “He learned it! Stay away from red flags!”

Security: *To the groomsman* “We’ll take it from here, sir. Please go back inside and enjoy the party.”

The groomsman heads back inside, and the security guard tries to direct the woman toward the exit.

Woman: “Wait! You said I’m not allowed in the ballroom, but I can get a drink in the lobby bar, right?”

Me: “Ma’am, I can think of no other reason you would want to do that except to try to sneak back into the ballroom or try to ambush the wedding guests when they leave. I would recommend you leave the hotel for this evening.”

Woman: “But what if I was a guest?! Then you wouldn’t be able to kick me out!”

Me: “Ma’am, even if we weren’t fully booked tonight, which we are, we also have the discretion to refuse service to those who have caused or might cause a disturbance. I’m afraid you currently fall under the former and present a risk of falling under the latter. Now, we do have a responsibility, still, and based on my experience, you appear to have been drinking. I am happy to call a cab for you to take you home.”

Woman: “I’m not leaving, and you can’t make me!”

Me: “Then your cab will have some flashing lights on the top, ma’am.”

She sits on the floor cross-legged, like a toddler being stubborn. The security guard just looks at me.

Me: “It’s okay; I’ll handle it.”

I call the police and then get a clerk to put out some “hazard” signs that we usually put on the floor when there is a spill. The woman looks ridiculous but remains in place.

The police eventually show, and the woman gets an eye-widening “Oh, s***!” look on her face as she realizes she has taken this too far. The police talk to me, and I confirm what has happened. As the woman is escorted from the lobby, I can hear a shrill, “But he was supposed to choose meeeeeeee!” slowly fade away.

The groomsman later comes out and gives the security guy and me a tip for our troubles, and he gives us some context.

Groomsman: “Yeah, that’s the crazy ex. She came here to cause trouble when she realized he was really going through with it.”

Me: “That’s dramatic! I’m glad we were able to help, though. I hope the bride and groom are having a great time.”

Groomsman: “It’s a groom and groom, actually.”

I can’t help but show a quick look of confusion before the groomsman helps me out.

Groomsman: “Yeah, she was so crazy that she ‘red-flagged’ him into coming out!”

Some People Aren’t Worth Waiting For

, , , , , , , | Romantic | May 30, 2023

CONTENT WARNING: Emotional Abuse

My boyfriend was always on his own time. If he wanted to do something that started at 2:00, we were there at 1:45. If he didn’t want to do it, we were there when we got there.

One time, I went to his house to go to an event that was $100 a ticket. I paid for both of our tickets, and he was going to drive. When I got there, he was sitting in the living room in his underwear, playing video games.

Me: “Are you ready?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, just about.”

Me: “Okay… We need to leave in like ten minutes.”

Boyfriend: “Okay! I said yes!”

Me: “I’ll go start the car.”

Boyfriend: “Don’t waste my gas!”

Me: “Then you’d better hurry up.”

I sat in the car for half an hour — never actually turning it on — before going back inside. He was still playing video games.

Me: “What are you doing?! Let’s go!”

Boyfriend: “I f****** am! I told you—”

Me: “You know I’ve been sitting out there for half an hour?”

Boyfriend: “Fine! I’ll go!”

He slammed the remote control down and got dressed in record time. On the way to the event, he pulled into a gas station.

Boyfriend: “You’re buying me gas.”

Me: “I didn’t even—”

Boyfriend: “I said fill the f****** tank or I’ll leave you here. You think I’m playing?”

Me: “No, I believe you.”

I walked into the gas station and called my friend to come pick me up. [Boyfriend] sat at the pump waiting for me to come back out.

My friend showed up, I got in her car, and she used his ticket for the event. Since he never paid me for it, she was happy to cover the cost and drive us. We had a great time, and I never picked up the phone for him again.