Haphazardly Placed Vowels Does Not A Language Make

, , | Right | August 12, 2008

(I’m a customer and see an employee is waiting on another customer. The employee speaks perfect English and actually looks Hawaiian.)

Customer: “EL POLO ICE-CREAMO!”

Employee: Umm… yeah?”

Customer: “I want some choco-lato ice-creamo. GRASSIOS!”

Employee: “I speak English fine. What size do you want?”

Customer: “Oh, you are doing so good. Good job, boy. Umm… I want a GRAND-AY!”

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The Art Of Persuasion

, , | Right | August 12, 2008

(This is on one of the busiest days we’ve ever had. We literally had to stop letting people into the park)

Guest: “Why can’t I go into the park?! I drove here from Cape Cod!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the general manager said we’re not allowed to let anyone else in. We’re at capacity.”

Guest: “Why can’t I go in now? There are a ton of people leaving!”

Me: “There are a few things, sir. The general manager said we can’t allow anyone else in, we have weather coming which might halt operations, and even if we let you in, you honestly wouldn’t have fun. There are a ton of people in there.”

Guest: “I DROVE HERE FROM CAPE COD! YOU HAVE TO LET ME AND MY FAMILY IN!”

Me: “Sir, your options are you can stay here and complain to me about not being let in, or I can let you in, and you can pay $35 to complain to me that there are too many people inside the park. How’s that?”

Guest: “On second thought, I’ll just go to the beach.”

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Arithmophobia

| Right | August 11, 2008

(I work at a restaurant where customers can call and place an order to pick up).

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, how many wings can you get in an order?”

Me: “We have orders of 6, 12, 18, 24, 50, and 100. Would you like to order some?”

Customer: “Yes, I want 20.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have 20. The closest we have to 20 is 18.”

Customer: “How many wings come in your 18-piece?”

Me: “… 18.”

Customer: “Okay, are you sure?”

Me: “I can say for a fact that the 18-piece wing order comes with 18 wings.”

(This went on for a few minutes. Back and forths of, “Are you sure?” and, “Yes, sir, I am sure you get 18 wings in an 18 wing order.”)

Me: “Now what can I get you today?”

Customer: “I think I’m going to eat elsewhere.” *click*

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So Dumb It Hurts

, , , , | Right | August 11, 2008

(I work at a vet’s office and am giving a woman and her three children basic grooming information for their new puppy. The conversation has already been going on for an hour.)

Me: “…the groomers can do different ‘cuts’ or ‘styles’ for your dog, depending on how you want him to look.”

Customer: “Will that hurt?”

Me: “Will what hurt?”

Customer: “Cutting him. Will it hurt when you cut him?”

Me: “No… it’s not cutting HIM; it’s just cutting his fur.”

Customer: “Oh… but will that hurt?”

Me: “No… it’s hair.”

Customer: “Are you sure it won’t hurt when you cut it?”

Me: “It’s just like when you get your own hair cut. Does it hurt when you get your hair cut?”

Customer: *looks confused*

Me: “Okay… well, no, it won’t hurt.”

(I then go on to other aspects of grooming… clipping toenails, cleaning the ears, etc.)

Me: “…you can clean the puppy’s ears if they get dirty, or just whenever you give him a bath.”

(I go over the ear cleaning process.)

Customer: “Will it hurt? ”

Me: “No… he may not like it and may shake his head, but it shouldn’t hurt. Just make sure you don’t stick anything, like a Q-Tip, into his ear.”

Customer: “Okay, so how do I do that?”

(I go over the ear cleaning process again.)

Me: “…and again, just whenever you give him a bath…”

Customer: “Okay, how do I do that? ”

Me: “Well, there are several different shampoos you can use…”

Customer: “But how do I do that?”

Me: “You mean… how do you actually give him a bath?”

Customer: “Yes, how do I do that?”

Me: “Just like you’d bathe your kids… The puppy’s small, so you can bathe him in the sink, or in the bathtub…”

Customer: “But how do I bathe him?”

(At this point, I look at the woman’s three children and wonder how they’ve survived their mother.)

Me: “Umm… you put water on him… Err… You know, we have full-service grooming here. It includes a bath. We’ll do everything for you: cut his toenails, clean his ears, trim his hair…”

Customer: “But we don’t want to hurt him. Will a bath hurt?”

Me: “It’s WATER!”


This story is part of our Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup!

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Read the Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup!

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Your Prank Got Spanked

| Right | August 11, 2008

(This happened to a friend of mine who owns a gun shop.)

Friend: “Hello, this is–”

Caller: *twelve year old sounding voice* “Your mom!”

Friend: “What?”

Caller: “What your mom said.”

Friend: “A prank caller are we?”

Caller: *mocking tone* “A prank caller are we?”

Friend: “Do your parents know what you’re doing? Because I have caller ID and I can call them back later.”

Caller: “My parents are out of town… duuuhhh!”

Friend: “You must have absolutely no idea what kind of store you just called, then.”

Caller: “A GAY store?”

(My friend puts the phone down and opens the locker behind the counter and retrieves a shotgun. He holds it next to the phone and pumps the action.)

Friend: “Can you guess now?”

Caller: “…”

Friend: “You know, your caller ID gave me a first and last name. All I need to do is open a phone book and I can find your address.”

Caller: *click*

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