Cottonballs Are In The Left Drawer

, | Right | September 9, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] refill center. May I verify the last four digits of your mobile phone number?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(I hear four loud beeps as the customer pressing the buttons on his phone.)

Me: “Sir, can you please TELL me the last four digits of your mobile phone number?”

Customer: Oh, sure…”

(Four loud beeps again.)

Me: “Sir, I need you to say to me the last four digits of your mobile number.”

Customer: “Oh, okay…” *reads numbers*

Me: “Thank you. And may I verify your zip code, please?”

Customer: “Sure.”

(Another five beeps come from the phone.)

Me: *whimpers*

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Doctoring Under The Influence

, , , , , | Right | September 9, 2008

(It’s St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish pub, and I’m serving a table with ten drunken customers.)

Drunken Table: “Hey! We need some more drinks over here! We’ve been waiting quite a while!”

Me: “Sure, what can I get for you!”

(They order ten different, complex cocktail orders.)

Me: “Great, I’ll get these into the bar as soon as possible.”

(Five minutes later…)

Lady: *at drunken table* “Hey! We’ve been waiting for our drinks! Where the h*** are they?!”

Me: “Well, we’re pretty busy and the bar is backed up a bit. Sorry for the delay.”

Lady: *at drunken table* “Well, we sure aren’t impressed with the service here. My husband is a doctor, and he’s on call tonight, so we really need our drinks served promptly!”

Doctor: *at drunken table* “Yesshh, I need my drinksh right nooow!”

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Existential Dilemmas

, | Right | September 8, 2008

Me: “Hi, Ms. [Boss]’s office.”

Caller: “Hi, is Ms. [Boss] in today?”

Me: “No, sorry. She’s on vacation. Can I take a message?”

Caller: “Yes. Wait… are you an answering machine?”

Me: “Uh… no, ma’am.”

Caller: “Are you sure?!”

 

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Please Don’t Feed The Customers

| Right | September 8, 2008

(I work on a dinner cruise. As I’m eating a handful of Goldfish crackers and I see a man yelling at me from the gangway.)

Customer: “Hey! Hey you!”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “What’s that you’re eating?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Are you eating NUTS?”

Me: “No, they’re Goldfish.”

Customer: “Oh okay. Can I have some?”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Customer: “Yea, I want some. I’m so hungry!”

Me: “There is food on the boat, sir. Just wait until you get on.”

Customer: “No, but I want what you’re eating–those nuts!”

Me: “Sir, it’s 11:00 at night, I’m working until 5:00 AM, and I’ve been here since 4:30 this afternoon. I have not eaten and will not eat for a while. So no, you cannot have my six Goldfish, as they are MINE.”

Customer: “That’s f***ed up. I can’t have some of that food in your hand?”

Me: “No, no you can’t!”

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Dog Bites Owner, Files For Emancipation

, , | Right | September 8, 2008

(A woman comes into the grooming salon with a dog whose hair is extremely matted.)

Customer: “I’d like her to have very long hair. Right now it’s all tangled and looks short.”

Me: “I can’t actually leave her hair long. She’s matted to the skin, and policy says we must shave her. I’ll try to get my longest blade through, but it will most likely be naked.”

Customer: “I don’t want her shaved. I want her hair long.”

Me: “I can’t make her hair long. It’s matted. Her skin is red, it’s matted so tight. It needs to be shaved for her health, and our policy is to shave her or we don’t groom the dog.”

Customer: “Can you guys do anything?”

Me: “Yes. Shave her. Just this one time, and when you pick her up I can show you the brush you should buy to keep her hair from matting as it grows out.”

Customer: “I’m not shaving her! I want her hair long. Not short. LONG.”

Me: “I can hear you. It’s shave or nothing, I’m sorry, it’s policy and really the best interest for the dog.”

Customer: “You should do as I’m telling you because I’M paying and it is MY dog.”

Me: “YOU should brush YOUR dog, because it is YOUR dog and YOU chose to own it.”

Customer: “I’m never coming back, and we’re going somewhere that will do what we want!”

(She came back.)

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