Our EQ Just Ate Your IQ

, , , , | Right | March 17, 2009

(Our restaurant is within walking distance of an assisted living center so many of our regulars are special needs adults. We get a regular group of four people who have to make their order the same way every time. The routine involves the four of them reading the menu board for about five minutes and then one of them ordering each of them a hamburger individually.)

Me: “Hey! What can I get you?”

Special Needs Customer: “I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”

(An agitated customer who has been standing in line behind the group the entire time chimes in.)

Customer #2: “He would like four hamburgers. Can we hurry this up?”

Special Needs Customer: “No! I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”

Customer #2: “Oh, my god!”

Me: “So if I got this right, you would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger?”

Special Needs Customer: “Yes, that’s right!”

Me: “You know what I think you need? A high-five!”

Special Needs Customer: “You know I do!”

(I high-five the guy over the counter and the other three all take a turn getting a high-five.)

Customer #2: “This is just ridiculous!” *storms out of the store*


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Getting Your Priorities Straight, Part 2

, , , | Right | March 17, 2009

(A customer comes in with four very young kids.)

Customer: “Does [R-rated Police Drama] have any nudity in it?”

Me: “No, but it’s incredibly violent.”

Customer: “…but there’s no sex or nudity, right?”

Me: “No, it’s just really violent and bloody.”

Customer: “I’ll have one adult and four kids, please!”

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Quantity Does Not Equal Quality

, , , | Right | March 17, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling Tech Support. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, could you send me one of your free connection CDs?”

Me: “Sure!”

(I pull up her account and see that she’s already ordered 50 copies.)

Me: “Uh, ma’am? It seems you’ve already requested several CDs. Is there a reason you need another?”

Customer: “Well, yes! I used up the other CDs already.”

Me: “Ma’am, you can re-use the CDs. Have you been throwing them away?”

Customer: “No. I put them into the little slot and they just slide in, and the computer keeps them. I thought it was like a bus ticket!”

(I recommended that she go to a local repair shop. They, in turn, removed almost 100 CDs from the inside of her case.)

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When You Care Enough To Send…Something

| Right | March 17, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “So you want a dozen roses… what color would you like? Red?”

Customer: “NO! Not red! Let’s do pink… red means love, and I don’t want love. I just want to get laid!”

Me: “Okay… pink roses it is.”

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Allergy Season Nightmare

, , | Right | March 17, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: *yelling* “IS THIS TECH SUPPORT?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, it is. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My Internets are broken and I need you to fix it now.”

Me: “Okay, what’s your account number?”

Customer: “Ugh. You can’t just see it?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I have to look it up in our database.”

Customer: “S***. Fine, it’s [number].”

Me: “All right, just a moment here while I bring up the info…”

Customer: “Just hurry it up, will you?”

Me: “Okay, it’s coming up now…”

Customer: *sneezes*

(About ten seconds pass in silence. I can hear children talking in the background.)

Customer: “Excuse me…”

(I stay quiet, assuming she’s talking to the children.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME!”

Me: “Sorry, were you speaking to me?”

Customer: “YES, YOU IDIOT! WHAT THE F*** is WRONG with you people?”

Me: “I’m sorry? I’m not sure I understand…”

Customer: “I SNEEZED AND YOU DIDN’T BLESS ME! WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF ATHEIST?! DON’T YOU REALIZE WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU DON’T BLESS SOMEONE WHEN THEY SNEEZE?”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I really don’t, but I apol–”

Customer: *interrupting* “YOU’RE A F****** HEATHEN! I HOPE YOU BURN IN H*** FOR THIS YOU…” *continues screaming*

Me: “Ma’am, I apologize if I’ve offended. I’ve found your account information, and it looks like your service was terminated three months ago.”

Customer: “YES! THAT’S HOW LONG IT’S BEEN DOWN! WHY CAN’T YOU FIX IT?!”

Me: “Because you don’t have an account with us anymore. You were canceled because of non-payment. If you’d like, I can transfer you to billing, and–”

Customer: *unintelligible screaming then hangs up*

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