Fat, Dumb Fingers

Right | April 22, 2008

(I was sitting at home watching TV. My phone number ends with, let’s say, -1269. The phone number for the bakery ends with -1296. I am constantly getting called by people who think I’m that bakery.)

Me: “Hello?”

Dude: “I need the bakery.”

Me: “I think you have the wrong number.”

Dude: “Oh, sorry.”

(He hangs up. Brief pause. Phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Same Dude: “Can I get the bakery?”

Me: “You have the wrong number.”

(Dude hangs up. Phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Same Dude: “I need the bakery.”

Me: “I think you should check the number…I don’t have a bakery department.”

Same Dude: “Well, you did this morning!”

Me: “I meant I’m not [bakery]. I’m just a person sitting at home.”

(Dude hangs up. Phone rings AGAIN. I glance skeptically at it and finally go over. I don’t say anything.)

Same Dude: “Hello?”

Me: *click*

(He called eight more times that evening. Eventually I just told him we were closed.)

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When All Else Fails, Use Big Words

, , | Right | April 22, 2008

(I had a call from an elderly client who was having issues with her satellite receiver. After troubleshooting the issue as much as we possibly could I informed the customer that I’d need to send out a new receiver.)

Me: “Okay, so we’ll simply ship that out. I can overnight that and have it to you first thing tomorrow morning.”

Customer: “Tomorrow!? I need it RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “I understand where you’re coming from, but there’s no way for me to possibly do that.”

Customer: “HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE SEVENTY YEARS OLD AND CONFINED TO YOUR HOUSE WHERE YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF ENTERTAINMENT IS THE TV!?!?”

Me: “I do apologize for your current plight, but unfortunately we currently lack the technology to transmogrify things through space and time. With that in mind we are, unfortunately, required to use the most current means of shipping. That being FedEx. Would you like that at nine in the morning or ten?”

Customer: *after a brief pause* “Ten. Thank you.”

 

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Military Intelligence, Part 2

| Right | April 21, 2008

(We had a notice from one of the Nevada affiliates that Las Vegas residents would be suffering from a network outage due to a problem with their broadcasting equipment.)

Customer: “I think someone is standing next to your satellite with a ham radio. You need to run out and get them to stop.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that’s not the problem–”

Customer: “I will have you know, son, I am a Gunnery Sergeant. I’ve worked with Hand Operated Radios for years and I’m telling you RIGHT NOW…there is someone standing next to your satellite with a d*** radio and it’s interfering with my signal. I demand you to get out there and tell them to stop.”

Me: “Far be it from me to ever argue with my clients, but I will have to at this time. I understand that you’re a Gunny Sergeant and that you’ve operated HAM radios for years, but I know my satellite equipment, and it’s not possible for someone to be standing next to my satellite with a radio.”

Customer: “Oh? Really, smart man? Why is that?”

Me: “Because our satellites are in outer space. Furthermore Las Vegas has an outage going on due to a technical issue with their broadcasting equipment.”

Customer: “Oh. Okay.”

*click*

 

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As Long As It Runs On Unleaded

, , , | Right | April 21, 2008

(At a “compound” for a “New Age” cult, we needed to replace the pump in their well. In order to get our truck close enough to the well we had to have them move one of their vehicles.)

Me: “Excuse me, I’m going to need you to move that suburban over there.”

Lady: “Okay, no problem.”

(She goes outside and yells at one of her people working on the yard.)

Lady: “Jebediah, could you please get the keys and move the Starship?”

Jebediah: “Sure thing!”

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A Case Of The Computer Cooties

, , , , | Right | April 21, 2008

(The office downstairs sometimes calls up to us for tech support. They’re not too great with computers.)

Guy: *from downstairs* “I think one of the computers has a virus.”

Me: “Okay, which one?”

Guy: “The one in the middle of the office.”

(This seems strange, as I remember that they don’t have any computers in the middle of the room.)

Me: “Have you moved the computers recently?”

Guy: “Yeah, we put it in the middle of the office so the other computers wouldn’t catch the virus!”

(I went downstairs and a disconnected desktop stands in all its glory in the middle of the room. It didn’t have a virus.)

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