Delusional Hearingitis

, , | | Right | November 14, 2007

(We close at 7:00 pm every Sunday. A couple is still shopping in my department at 7:13 pm and we already had a call from security to tell them to get out)

Me: “Ma’am, just to let you know we’re already closed. If you need to buy something please bring it to the counter now.”

Customer: “Closed? What time do you guys close? It’s only 7:13!”

Me: “We closed at 7:00.”

Customer: “Honey, hurry up. They’re about to close. Who’s ever heard of a store that closes at 7:13 pm. That’s just so weird!”

Me: “Ma’am, we closed 13 minutes ago; we’ve been closing at 7:00 for at least the past six years I’ve been here, and there’s nothing weird about that.”

Customer: “Well, I just thought that it would make more sense if you guys closed on an hour. Or at least least have an announcement if you guys are closing at some queer hour.”

Me: “Ma’am, there were four announcements, loud and clear, before we closed.”

Customer: “But why would you close a store at 7:13? That’s just queer. Are you sure the store is even closed?”

Me: “Again, ma’am, we closed 13 minutes ago at 7:00, and yes I’m sure the store is closed. Why would I be lying?”

Customer: “I don’t know. *her boyfriend comes out of the fitting room* “Honey, c’mon, let’s buy this stuff and get out of here. Can you believe they close the store at 7:20? Isn’t that just so weird?”

Me: “SEVEN! We CLOSED at SEVEN o’clock!”

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Someone Needs To Get Out More

, | | Right | November 14, 2007

Me: “Emergency veterinary clinic, how can I help you?”

Caller: *worried female voice* “My dog has a red thing on him.”

Me: “Is it actively bleeding?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Where is it located?”

Caller: “On his tummy.”

Me: “Can you describe it to me? How large is it? Does it look more like a cut, a rash or an abrasion?”

Caller: “It looks like a little stick of lipstick.”

Me: “That’s his p****.”

Caller: *hangs up*

Source

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Flight Of The Vagaries

| | Right | November 13, 2007

Lady: “I’m looking for a book; I don’t remember the name, but it has a green cover.”

Me: *pointing to shelf* “All of our green books are over there.”

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… And This Is Before He Got Buzzed

| | Right | November 13, 2007

Winemaker: “…as you taste this pinot you might notice flavors like cherry, vanilla, and roasted meat.”

Taster: “Wow, yeah! That’s amazing. Do you put all that stuff right in the barrels?”

Winemaker: “Ummm…no. Wine is only the fermented juice of the grapes. Those flavors come from the soil…”

Taster: “Oh I see. So you bury it all around the plants.”

Taster’s Girlfriend: “Honey, we should go.”

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Freak Out At The Check Out

| | Right | November 13, 2007

Me: “And how would you like to pay for that today?”

Customer: “Debit.”

Me: “Okay, the stripe faces me.”

(She swipes card with the stripe facing her; tries again)

Customer: “Sh*t. Sh*t!!”

(The register times out)

Me: “Hold on; okay, try again. Stripe goes toward me.”

(She finally swipes the card successfully)

Customer: “Where’s the ‘OK’ button?” *pushes the green sticker below the ‘OK’ button*

Me: “It’s the green button.”

(She figures out how to press the button, but then incorrectly types her pin number)

Customer: “Oh God! Oh God, oh my God! SH*T!”

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