Negative Tree-inforcement

, , , , | Right | July 15, 2009

(A customer comes up with a 40-pound tree teetering on the edge of her flatbed cart.)

Customer: “This tree sure is wobbly!”

Me: “Just be careful with it, ma’am. Don’t let it fall.”

(As I lean down to scan several other smaller plants, the customer lets go of the tree and it hits me on the head.)

Me: “Ouch!”

Customer: “You should improve your attitude. You haven’t smiled once this whole time!”

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Foolish As A Second Language

, , , , | Right | July 15, 2009

Me: “Good afternoon, I’m from [Collections Agency]. Is [Client] available to speak?”

Young Girl: “Sure, hold on one second.”

(A few moments later…)

Client: “Hello?”

Me: “Good afternoon, sir. I’m making a courtesy call on behalf of [Credit Card Company] about the overdue balance on the account you have with them.”

Client: “What?”

Me: “You currently owe $3,800.00, but you haven’t made a payment in six months. I’m calling to see if you’re having trouble paying the bill. I can also help you set up a payment plan to make it easier for you to handle the payments.”

Client: “NO HABLO ESPAÑOL!”

Me: “Sir, that’s why I’m speaking to you in English.”

Client: “Huh?”

Me: “You just said, ‘I don’t speak Spanish.'”

(There’s a bit of a pause while he digests what I’ve said.)

Client: “…What do I owe again?”

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On The Bright Side, There Are Worse Orifices

, , | Healthy Right | July 15, 2009

Me: “[Pharmacy], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, your medicine is defective.”

Me: “Sir, why don’t I get your information so I can take a look at your profile.”

Customer: *gives his name and date of birth*

Me: “I see that the last prescriptions you filled were antibiotic and drops for your ear infection. Are your symptoms still bothering you?”

Customer: “Yes, and how the h*** do you expect me to fit this giant pill in my ear?”

Me: “Sir, that’s an antibiotic tablet. It’s meant to be taken orally.”

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Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Consumer

, , | Right | July 14, 2009

(I was closing one night, and it was slow. A nervous-looking man came in and went to go order his drink.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Coffee Shop]! What can I get for you this evening?”

Customer: “Um… yes. Can I get a coffee?”

Me: “Okay, anything else tonight?”

Customer: “Yes…” *takes out a piece of paper* “An iced venti unsweetened black tea.”

Me: “Okay, your total is $4.30.”

Customer: *frowns* “How much is the iced tea?”

Me: “It’s $2.28… do you want me to take it off?”

Customer: “No… you see, I’m on a blind date. My date told me that her regular drink at [Coffee Shop] was this iced tea… and also that the price of the iced tea is her weight.”

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Feline Fickleness

, , | Right | July 14, 2009

(I am stocking things in the animals department when a woman walks up to me carrying a bag of cat litter that reads “White Cat Litter.” The litter in the bag is white.)

Customer: “Excuse me..”

Me: “Is there something you need help with, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes, I was wondering if my tabby could use this litter?”

Me: “Well, yes, I believe so, unless your vet has specified a certain brand?”

Customer: “No, no. I want to make sure my gray tiger tabby can use this. It says ‘white cat’…”

Me: “I don’t think it matters what kind of cat you have, ma’am.”

Customer: “Even though he’s not white?”

Me: “Well, since grey is just a darker shade of white, I think it’ll be okay.”

Customer: “Great! Thanks so much!”

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