Not So Dead She Can’t Come Back And Wring Your Neck

, | Right | February 24, 2009

(A dad and two little kids — one boy and one girl — are buying books. Both of the kids are paying with gift cards.)

Customer: “…and you have your late great-grandma Miriam to thank for all these books!”

Customer’s Little Boy: *happily, to coworker* “She’s DEAD!”

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Thou Shalt Grant Me A Floor Model

, , , | Right | February 24, 2009

Customer: “Hello, I’d like to buy this TV, but I want a discount.”

Me: “Sir, I’m not authorized to give discounts. ”

Customer: “Ever?”

Me: “Only on floor models.”

Customer: “Then I want the floor model!”

Me: “We’re only authorized to sell the floor model when we’re out of boxed product. Since the TV you want is right there on the shelf brand-new, I don’t have any reason to sell you the floor model. If I did that I’d just have to open another one.”

Customer: “But I want a discount! I’m a missionary!”

Me: “…what?”

Customer: “I’m a missionary! I need this TV for my RV so I want a discount.”

Me: “Let me get a manager for you…”

(Yes, the manager sold him the floor model for 10% off.)

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Will Stop Playing For Food

, , , | Right | February 24, 2009

(It’s the end of the day on my mother’s hot dog cart, when I was about 17. We stop cooking and decide to hang up a sign selling the remaining cooked food 2-for-1. There’s an annoying guy that’s been badly playing the accordion next to our cart all day.)

Accordion Guy: “Closing, eh? I’d like four Italian sausage, two cheeseburgers, and two hot dogs!”

(My mom happily packs up the order into a box as I ring up the total.)

Me: “That’ll be $10.50.”

Accordion Guy: “What? No! It’s $4!”

Me: “Cheeseburgers are $3.50, sausage is $3, and hot dogs are $2. We’re having a special right now, but there’s still no way it adds up to only $4.”

Accordion Guy: “No! Your sign says two-for-one! Two things for one dollar! I got eight things, so it’s $4!”

Me: “That’s not at all what that sign means. It means you get two things for the price of one.”

Accordion Guy: “Yes it does! That’s exactly what it means!”

Me: “Sir, I wrote the sign myself. Several customers have come up to the cart in the last few minutes, and haven’t had any trouble with this concept.”

Accordion Guy: “It’s $4!”

Me: “You saying that doesn’t make it true.”

My Mom: *quietly, to me* “Whatever. If he’s eating, he can’t play the accordion!”

Me: “Sir, that will be $4, please!”


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That’s One Small Kneeprint For Man

, , , | Right | February 24, 2009

(I was in a record store and I overheard this conversation.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a gift for my dad. He likes jazz; who do you recommend?”

Clerk: “Well, Louis Armstrong is pretty popular.”

Customer: “Louis Armstrong? Isn’t he the astronaut? He’s like the first guy to walk on the moon.”

Clerk: “No, no, you’re thinking Neil.”

Customer: “Fine, whatever, the first guy to kneel on the moon.”

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Getting Lost On The Super Highway

| Right | February 24, 2009

Me: “**** Pizza, **** speaking. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I need directions to your store.”

Me: “OK, we’re located at **** Drive and **** Street.”

Customer: “So, if I come out of my driveway, do I turn left or right? East or West?

Me: “Uh… do you have a computer?”

Customer: “Yes, but why?”

Me: “Well, there’s this website, Mapquest.com–they should be able to help you.”

Customer: “Oh, well how do I get to Mapquest? Left or right?”

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