That Is ‘Pretty’ Awesome

, , , , , , , | Healthy Related Right | August 15, 2009

(I am a photographer running a studio in the inner city. We are well known for our children’s portraits, and we range from high-end portraits for modelling jobs to fun sibling photos and birth announcements. We do a bit of everything; as such, we are extremely busy, and it states on our website that we do not accept walk-ins. We are usually booked up six months in advance. One day, ten minutes before closing, a mum walks in with a young girl around six or seven behind her. I internally groan.)

Mother: “Hello. I know you’re closing soon, but I have a special favour to ask.”

(At this point the little girl peeks around her mother’s legs and I’m lost for words. Under her thick winter coat and hat, she is skeletally thin with huge dark circles under her eyes. From what I can tell, she has no hair, and a tube taped to her cheek that feeds into her nose. It is immediately clear this kid is very, very sick.)

Mother: *near tears* “My daughter saw one of your photos taped to the wall at the hospital. She REALLY loves unicorns and the photo had a girl photo-shopped onto a horse. I know you’re booked up, and it’s months before the next appointment, but…”

(At this point she actually starts crying. I realise that our next available appointment is probably way too far away for this particular kid. The little girl squeezes her mother’s hand. I am a very big dude, covered in tattoos and a beard, but I’m not ashamed to say I needed a minute before I spoke.)

Me: “Aww, that’s just for regular customers! I’ve been waiting all day to take a photo of someone as beautiful as you! What’s your name, sweetheart?”

(I lock the front door and spend the next three hours taking photos of this kid in every princess costume I have in my closet. She is the sweetest, most well-behaved kid I have ever worked with. Once we’re done she curls up on the couch in my office and falls asleep while I load up the photos for her mum to see and choose the ones she likes best, and ask her what kind of retouching she’d like done. She’s adamant that I leave her daughter as is — apparently the little girl has been worried for the past month that she is no longer “pretty.”)

Me: “All right, so we’ve settled on these. I can have them edited and all finished in two days. If you give me your email I can send you the link to the website and the password to download them when they’re ready.”

(The mother thanks me over and over and comes up front, carrying her sleeping daughter, and holds out her credit card.)

Me: “Nope. No way.”

Mother: “Please, I insist. You stayed open so late and your shoots are listed for [amount] online. Please at least charge me that.

Me: “Absolutely not. I am not taking money for this. No way in h***.”

(A few days later I send the link through and hear nothing. I see she’s downloaded the photos and I think nothing of it, hoping my sweet little friend loved her photos. Almost six months later I’m once again closing up when a very familiar face pops up at my window, grinning and waving frantically.)

Me: *throwing open the door* “Hey, you!”

Little Girl: “Hi! I’m better! Look, I’m better!”

(Sure enough, she’d put on some weight, was flushed and pink, and had a fine fuzz of hair over her head. Her mother was a few steps behind her, grinning. She once again tried to force an envelope full of money into my hand, and again I refused. She got frustrated and eventually in her exasperation said, “at least let us take you to dinner!” which I happily accepted. Seven years later that photo of a sick little girl astride a giant pink unicorn is in a frame in my lounge room. My now-step-daughter groans every time I point it out to the friends she brings home!)

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No, Really: Sink Or Swim

, , | Right | August 14, 2009

(I’m manning the rope swing we have at the deep end of the pool. A guy in his mid- to late-30s comes up to me.)

Guy: “Um, is this safe for me to have a go?”

Me: “Sure, adults can use this. You’ve just got to be able to swim in deep water.”

Guy: “Yes, yes. But it can hold my weight, right? It won’t break?”

Me: “No, it’s safe. The water would break your fall anyway.”

Guy: “Oh, okay.”

(The guy grabs the rope, swings out and purposely lets go. However, instead of swimming, he begins sinking to the bottom with his hands weakly flapping as he tries unsuccessfully to pull himself up. I immediately dive in and pull him up. After I’ve gotten him out…)

Guy: “You said it was safe!”

Me: “You said you could swim!”

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One Ink To Rule Them All

| Right | August 14, 2009

Customer: “I’d like a cartridge for my printer, please.”

Me: “Yes, of course. Which one would you like?”

Customer: “The one for my printer.”

Me: “Which printer is it?”

Customer: “The one that sits on my desk.”

Me: “What type of printer is it?”

Customer: “The one that sits on my desk.”

Me: “Do you know the type or the cartridge number? Did you bring the cartridge with you?”

Customer: “No. It sits on my desk. You must know which one it is!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t. All of these cartridges are for different types of printers, and I’ll need to know what type of printer you have.”

Customer: “It sits at my desk! You have to know! I bought it here last year!”

Me: “We sell hundreds of printers each year. Is it HP, Lexmark, or Epson?”

Customer: “Look, I bought it here! I need a cartridge and I want it for the printer that sits on my desk!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but unless you know the kind of printer you have, I can’t help you.”

Customer: “What horrible service! I’m never coming back here again!” *storms out*

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Land Of The Free, Home Of The Naive

, , | Right | August 14, 2009

(I get a call from a new renter with whom I had signed a lease contract with the previous night.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Apartments]! How may I help you?”

Renter: “My name is [Renter] and I just signed the lease last night. I want to cancel it.”

Me: “Cancel? I’m sorry, but the lease is a binding contract between yourself and the management company, as we discussed.”

Renter: “What?! I don’t want it! Just cancel it!”

Me: “Well, there are some options. We can try to rent the apartment to another tenant to end your lease early, or, if you happen to qualify for a job or military transfer–”

Renter: “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. I can’t believe that in the United States of America, I can sign a legal document, and not get out of it!” *hangs up*

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Bird Brained, Part 3

, , | Right | August 14, 2009

Customer: “I need a handbook about cockatiels.”

Me: “Well, we have some books on cockatiels right here. What did you need to know?”

Customer: “I think my bird is pregnant. I need to know how to tell if my bird is pregnant.”

Me: “This one has information about breeding and hatching eggs.”

Customer: “I guess that will work. Will that tell me how to tell what sex my bird is?”

 

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