With Great Retail Power…

, , | Right | October 1, 2009

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it seems like your credit card isn’t working. Would you like to pay in cash?”

Customer: ‘What? That’s not possible. Try it again.”

Me: *after trying a few more times* “Do you have a different card? This one might just be having problems. Or you could just pay in cash?”

Customer: “No! I don’t have cash. Just give me the items.”

Me: “I can’t do that, ma’am.”

Customer: “Why not? I need them to stop the world from ending!”

Me: “Sorry, I still can’t.”

Customer: “What sort of a monster are you? If the world ends, you’re to blame!” *storms out*

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Not Quite A Family Business

, , | Right | October 1, 2009

(The shop work in gives their staff a 15% discount using a discount card. Staff are allowed to lend that card to family members. On this particular day, I had left my name-tag at home.)

Me: “That will be 79.00, sir.”

Customer: “Oh, I get a discount. I just haven’t got the card at the moment.”

Me: “Okay, who do you know that works here?”

Customer: “Miss [My Name].”

Me: “How do you know her?”

Customer: “She’s my daughter!”

Me: “Dad, last time I saw you, you had a beard and glasses!”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Sir, I’m Miss [My Name].”

Customer: “Oh, haha, very funny. You’ve had your fun. Now give me my discount.”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t.”

Customer: “You lying b****! You’re not Miss [My Name]! I can’t believe my own daughter won’t give me a discount!”

(The customer leaves in a huff. The next customer is an older woman and is laughing.)

Next Customer: “So, can I be your grandmother?”

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Mind Over Biodegradable Matter

, | Right | October 1, 2009

(I work in a very environmentally-conscious salon. We provide mugs for people to use for their coffee so that no garbage is created.)

Me: “Hi! My name is [My Name]. I’m going to be cutting your hair today. Tell me what you would like to–”

Customer: “Do you have a styrofoam cup?”

Me: “We have mugs right here. Would you like some coffee?”

Customer: “Are you crazy? I can’t use a public mug. I’m a doctor! Do you even know what kind of germs are on those mugs?!”

Me: “I assure you that the mugs are perfectly clean. Also, we don’t believe in using styrofoam because it is bad for the environment.”

Customer: “Are you for real? You don’t have a styrofoam cup anywhere in this whole place?”

Me: “Yes, I’m sure.”

(I get her away from the coffee discussion and start cutting her hair and making small talk.)

Me: “So, what kind of doctor are you?”

Customer: “A psychiatrist.”

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A Question With No Good Manswers

, , | Right | October 1, 2009

(I’m handing out fliers outside a women’s clothing store. A man walks up to me.)

Customer: “Hello! How are you today?”

Me: “I’m fine, thanks. Would you like a coupon to get 30 percent off all merchandise in the store?”

Customer: “Do you sell sweaters here?”

Me: “Yes, we do. Are you looking for a gift for someone?”

Customer: “No. I’m done with my Christmas shopping.”

Me: “Well, the coupon’s good until Boxing Day.”

Customer: “What sizes do you have?”

Me: “Extra small to extra large.”

Customer: “What size am I?”

Me: “Umm, I’m not sure sir. I’m not really good at guessing sizes.”

Customer: “Well, if I were to try something on, what size should I try?”

Me: “Well, this is a women’s clothing store. I’m not sure that you would fit the sizes here.”

Customer: “Are you calling me fat?!”

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I Can See Clearly Now The Brain Is Gone

, , , | Right | September 30, 2009

Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

Customer: “I need binoculars.”

(I show him a selection of binoculars.)

Customer: “No, no, no. Not one of these. I want one with a magnification of fifty or so.”

Me: “I’m sorry, there are no binoculars with a magnification of fifty.”

Customer: “Are you saying I’m wrong? I’m an engineer. I have two diplomas. Two! I know how things work, thank you!”

(He grabs one of the binoculars, holds it the wrong way round and looks through it.)

Customer: “This one’s broken!”

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