Acting Rashly

, , , , | Right | February 1, 2010

Me: “Hi, this is [College] help desk. What can I do for you?

Caller: *sobbing* “You have got to help me!”

Me: “Okay, miss. What seems to be the problem?”

Caller: “I have this huge rash all over my butt!”

Me: “Miss, you do realize this is a tech help desk… like, for computers?”

Caller: “But I don’t know who else to call!”

Me: “Well, you could try health services. I can get you the number.”

Caller: “No, I already called them.”

Me: “And they couldn’t help you?”

Caller: “They wanted me to come in! But I don’t want people to know. Can’t you just tell me how to get rid of it?”

Me: “Miss, I honestly have no idea. I’ve never had your… problem.”

Caller: “What about your friends?”

Me: “Well, none that I know of.”

Caller: “Oh, my God, I AM a freak!” *hangs up while still sobbing*


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All Signs Point To Duh, Part 2

, , , | Right | February 1, 2010

Customer: “I need to return these flowers. They died.”

Me: “This appears to be a bag of soil.”

Customer: “Well, I pulled them up a week ago, I guess they fell apart.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll just need your original receipt.”

Customer: “I don’t have a receipt.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but to return plants I’ll need a receipt.”

Customer: “Your signs say that you have a one-year guarantee!”

Me: “Yes, we do, but you have to keep your receipt because the price of plants changes so often.”

Customer: “I’d like to speak to a manager.”

(I call the manager of the garden center inside, and he tells the customer the exact same thing I did.)

Customer: “Well, you should really post it somewhere that you have to keep your receipt.”

Me: “It is posted in the–”

Customer: “Where? Somewhere no one can find, I bet!”

Me: “Actually, it’s posted in the garden center immediately outside the doors. It’s to the right.”

Customer: “In tiny letters, right!?”

Me: “No, the sign is about six feet tall. It’s also printed on the back of every receipt. I’m sorry if you missed it.”

Customer: “Well, I doubt anyone can find it. I’m shopping at [Competitor] from now on!” *starts to walk away*

Me: “Sir, you left your plants.”

Customer: “I don’t need a bag of dirt!”

(The customer tries to exit through the entrance doors. They don’t open automatically from the inside.)

Me: “Sir, those doors don’t open from this side.”

Customer: “Well, they shouldn’t say ‘EXIT’ on them, then, should they?”

Me: “The door actually says ‘NO EXIT’.”

Customer: “Hmph!”

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Customers This Dumb Are Rare

, , , , | Right | February 1, 2010

Customer: “Excuse me, miss. Could you help me out here?”

Me: “Sure, ma’am. Did you need anything else?”

Customer: “No, it’s just that I really don’t like my sushi at all.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, that’s one of our most popular items on the menu. Would you mind telling me what’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “There’s raw fish in it.”


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Not Quite Three-Thinking

, , | Right | January 31, 2010

(We have the top ten DVD/Blu-Rays on a wall. We use an empty case with a number on it to show where each film is ranked in the top ten. A man walks up and puts the number ‘3’ case on the counter.)

Customer: “I’d like to hire this.”

Me: “This isn’t a movie. Star Trek is currently ranked number 3. Would you like to rent that?”

Customer: “No, I don’t want Star Trek! I want this one!”

Me: “Sorry, that is just an empty case that we use to show our top ten rentals; it isn’t a film. If you’d like to rent one of our top ten make sure you grab one of the take-home cases behind the display cases.”

(The man seems to catch on, returns to the shelf and walks back with one of the generic DVD cases we use to chock up the number ‘3’ case so it sits flush with the other DVDs).

Customer: “There! Now will you let me rent it?”

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Udderly Stupid

, , , | Right | January 31, 2010

Me: “Yes, ma’am, can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, this beef isn’t fresh. Can you take it back and get me fresh beef?”

Me: “Ma’am, the beef we cook is the freshest we can get.”

Customer: “Well, can’t you just kill a cow out back?”

Me: “Um, no we don’t have cows in the back; that’s against the law.”

Customer: “But isn’t this Canada? How can cows be illegal?”

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