Oh Give Me a Home, Where The Jackalopes Roam

, , | Right | November 11, 2007

Little boy: “What are those?”

Zookeeper: “That’s a Cavy.”

(Note: Cavies are another name for guinea pigs.)

Little boy’s father: “No, they’re not. They’re Jack-a-lopes. But I don’t see any antlers, so they must all be does.”

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Casting An Extra Super Duper Ginormously Wide Net

, | Right | November 10, 2007

Me, on the phone: “Thank you for calling Hollister, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a specific shirt, I was wondering if you have it?”

Me: “Ok, can you describe it?”

Customer: “Well it’s blue, and it says “Hollister’ on it.”

Me: “Riiiiiiigghhht.”

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How Do These People Remember How To Breathe?

, | Right | November 10, 2007

(Older lady comes in, doesn’t know me, yet decides to make me intimately knowledgeable about her husband’s surgery; she eventually runs out of steam when I don’t respond and looks around at the books on the shelves)

Lady: “I like books.”

Me: “Good! Anything you’re looking for?”

Lady: *ignores my question* “I saw on TV that books are good to have because they make your house look nice.”

Me: *barely stifling a smile* “Really? I heard they’re also good to read.”

Lady: (Evidently, my comment goes right over her) “And you can use them to prop up the bed.”

(Her husband buys books, and then swiftly escorts her out)

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It’s Not My Fault, Even Though It Is

| Right | November 10, 2007

Lady: “Hi, I was wondering if I could return some rotten milk? Or get it replaced, or a refund or something.”

Me: “Well, when did you buy it?”

Lady: “A week ago.”

Me: “Okay, when did it expire?”

Lady: “Yesterday.”

Me: “So, you bought it before the expiration date, then it expired. Correct?”

Lady: “Um, yeah, I guess so…”

Me: “We can’t return that, then.”

Lady: “WHAT THE *%!*?! ARE YOU *%!*ING KIDDING ME?!”

Me: “Are you serious? You bought it before it expired, kept it until AFTER it expired, and now want to return it?”

Lady: “WELL YOU HAVE A NICE *%!*ING DAY.”

Me: “You too, ma’am.”

Source

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You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

| Right | November 9, 2007

(A local officer picks this woman up off the street for public intoxication. He brings her to the jail to be booked in.)

Me: “Ma’am, please move over to the counter.”

Woman: “I don’t want to order anything, I’m not hungry.”

Me: “Ma’am, I need to remove the handcuffs and search you.”

Woman: “I don’t own any handcuffs.”

Me: “Ma’am, do you know where you are?”

Woman: “Yeah, at the store but I don’t like what you have done with it.”

Me: “How much have you had to drink tonight?”

Woman: “OH, I don’t drink. I’m a dietitian!”

Me: *furrows eyebrows* “Do you mean diabetic?”

Woman: “Whatever. I doesn’t… er … didn’t drink anything but some orange juice… The bottle is in my purse.”

(I opened her purse and found not only the bottle with OJ in it but an empty bottle of vodka. The OJ in the bottle was almost see through, she had so much Vodka in it.)

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