Gobble Grunt Gobble

, , , | Right | December 15, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if you guys sold male chicken?”

Me: “We do sell chicken, but I am not sure we know the gender.”

Customer: “But someone told me that you guys sold male chicken for Thanksgiving dinners.”

Me: “Thanksgiving dinner? Are you talking about a turkey?”

Customer: “Yeah! The male chicken!”

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In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You

, , | Right | December 14, 2009

(The phone rings.)

Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Pizza… Oh, f***, not again.”

(She hangs up. A few customers come and go, and the phone rings again.)

Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Piz—  f*** this!”

Customer: “Hey, lady, problem with the phone?”

Cashier: “Some sicko keeps calling from a blocked number and making creepy comments.”

Customer: “Hang on. I gotta go find my friend.”

(He pays and leaves… and comes back with a 6’8″ NYPD police officer.)

Police Officer: *with a minor Russian accent* “I hear you’re having a problem with a caller?”

Customer: “No, no. Do the accent! Make it f***in’ scary!”

Police Officer: *in a deeper voice with a thick accent* “Excuse me. I hear you have problem with caller?”

(The cashier explains. The police officer orders a slice of pizza, and he and his friend sit and chat for a few minutes. Then the phone rings.)

Cashier: “It’s a blocked number!”

Police Officer: *on the phone, with the accent* “Hello… You are thinking my body is what? I am thinking your body probably very fragile. Very easy to— Oh, he hung up.”

(They stare at the phone a few minutes.)

Customer: “Problem solved?”

Cashier: *to the customer* “So… is your buddy there single?”

Police Officer: *in accent* “Boris have many women. All are love him!”

Customer: “You’re married and your name isn’t Boris!”

Police Officer: “Boris is name of accent. Has life of its own.”

See this story as a comic!

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There Can Be Only One

, | Right | December 14, 2009

(I am a manager in a department store. I’m returning a call to a customer who has a complaint.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] calling from [Department Store] to follow up with your concern.”

Customer: “Yes, I was in your store yesterday and I had to wait in line forever. I had a coupon that expired at one pm. I got tired of waiting, so I just left.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. Would you mind telling me in which area you were trying to pay?”

Customer: “All over. The lines were long everywhere. I’m thinking about cutting up the credit card I have with you all!”

Me: “Well, I do want to thank you for letting me know. We had tried to make sure that someone was scheduled to ring at every register, and it looks like we have some opportunity to improve that.”

Customer: “Oh, every register had someone ringing at it. There were plenty of salespeople.”

Me: “Well… uh… how can I help you then?”

Customer: “There were just too many customers in your store!”

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I Scream For Pizza

, , , | Right | December 14, 2009

(While working at a gelato shop in Rome, a tourist approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss! I’d like a pizza!”

Me: “We don’t sell pizza here. This is a gelato shop.”

Customer: “What are you talking about? This is Italy! Don’t you have pizza in Italy?”

Me: “Yes, we have pizza in Italy, but this is not a pizzeria, so we don’t sell pizza. There are pizzerias, though, if you look.”

Customer: “So this is Italy?”

Me: “Correct.”

Customer: “And this is a restaurant.”

Me: “Sort of, though we only sell the ice cream.”

Customer: “But this is ITALY.”

(After a few minutes of getting nowhere, my coworker attempts to help.)

Coworker: *jokingly* “Ma’am, if you want pizza, I can get you some for 100 euros.”

(100 euros is about $150 USD. Without hesitation, the customer pulls out two 50s and hands them to my coworker.)

Coworker: *hands the tourist the money back* “It’s okay, ma’am. Let me direct you to a nearby pizzeria…”


This story is part of our Clueless Tourists roundup!

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Want to read the roundup? Click here!

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An Un-Usual Request

, | Right | December 14, 2009

Me: “What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “I’ll just have my usual.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t know your usual.”

Customer: “They know it on [Other Location].”

Me: “We’re not that location, sir. What would you like?”

Customer: “Just call ’em up and ask. I’ll wait!”

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