Whoaaahh, Am I Moving The Mouse Or Is It Moving Me

, , , | Right | October 2, 2008

Me: “Okay, so what seems to be the problem?”

Caller: “Well, it’s my son’s computer, it’s… smoking.”

Me: “It’s smoking? Is it making a loud beeping sound or is it hot? Anything else that would indicate that it’s on fire?”

Caller: “No! It’s not hot or anything. In fact, it seems to work just fine, but after it being on for about two or three minutes it starts to smoke.”

Me: “Okay… well, shut the machine down, unplug it, and then hold down the power button for about ten seconds.”

Caller: “Okay. Got it. Now what?”

Me: “Okay, open the case and take a look inside. Does anything look melted or cracked or–”

Caller: “Oh…”

Me: “You found the problem?”

Caller: *angry* “Oooh, yeah. There’s… uh… there’s a little plastic bag taped to the inside of the case… full of dried green stuff.”

Me: *trying not to laugh*

Caller: “Thanks for your help. I need to go have a talk with my son.” *click*

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Welcome To Retail, Part 3

, , , , | Right | October 2, 2008

(I am watering the plants in the nursery, about two hours before closing time, and see a customer down the aisle.)

Me: “Can I help you find anything, sir? ”

Customer: “Uh… uh… ”

(I then notice that he’s peeing on some of our boxwoods.)

Me: “What–”

Customer: “I AM THE TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!” *zips up and runs out*

Coworker: “Did that guy just quote Darkwing Duck at you?!”

Me: *drops watering hose* “I’m taking a break.”


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Dumb, Dumberer And Dumberest

, , | Right | October 2, 2008

(I’m waiting in the movie ticket line and overhear three teenage girls having a conversation.)

Girl #1: “What is the mat-in-ee?”

Girl #2: “That’s like, a sea creature, right?”

Girl #3: “OMG, you are so stupid! It’s like when you get a discount because your dad is, like, in the military or something.”

Girl #1: “OMG, I’m so stupid!”

Girl #3: “Yeah, you should pay more attention to your surroundings!”

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You Can Lead A Horse To Water, Part 3

| Right | October 1, 2008

(A customer walks into my video rental store on Christmas Eve 2005; it’s about 9 pm.)

Customer: “Are you open?”

Me: “Are the lights on?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Are the lights on?”

Customer: “Yes…”

Me: “Was the door unlocked?”

Customer: “Well, yeah…”

Me: “Have you ever been somewhere that was closed when the lights were mon and the doors were open?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “So, you understand now!”

Customer: “No. Are you open or not?”

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There’s Always Time To B**** And Moan

| Right | October 1, 2008

Customer: “This phone doesn’t hang on the wall right. The handle keeps falling off.”

(Knowing exactly what’s wrong, I fix the phone on the spot. It’s a simple fix.)

Customer: “How did you do that?”

Me: “I turned this little tab around so the handle catches on it.”

Customer: “How did you know that?”

Me: “Didn’t the instructions tell you how?”

Customer: *snorts* “I don’t have time to read the instructions!”

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