Best Pet Advice, Ever

, , , | | Right | September 9, 2008

Customer: “Hi, can you help me?”

Me: “Sure, what do you need?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a puppy. I need one that doesn’t grow.”

Me: “Uh… all puppies grow.”

Customer: “But, I need one that doesn’t.”

Me: “Maybe a toy chihuahua? They only get to be about seven lbs.”

Customer: “How big are they now?”

Me: “They’re about four lbs right now.”

Customer: “BUT THAT MEANS THEY GROW!”

Me: “Ma’am, all puppies grow.”

Customer: “BUT I WANT ONE THAT DOESN’T.”

Me: “Then maybe you should try Build-A-Bear.”

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Cottonballs Are In The Left Drawer

, | | Right | September 9, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] refill center. May I verify the last four digits of your mobile phone number?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(I hear four loud beeps as the customer pressing the buttons on his phone.)

Me: “Sir, can you please TELL me the last four digits of your mobile phone number?”

Customer: Oh, sure…”

(Four loud beeps again.)

Me: “Sir, I need you to say to me the last four digits of your mobile number.”

Customer: “Oh, okay…” *reads numbers*

Me: “Thank you. And may I verify your zip code, please?”

Customer: “Sure.”

(Another five beeps come from the phone.)

Me: *whimpers*

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Doctoring Under The Influence

, , , , , | | Right | September 9, 2008

(It’s St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish pub, and I’m serving a table with ten drunken customers.)

Drunken Table: “Hey! We need some more drinks over here! We’ve been waiting quite a while!”

Me: “Sure, what can I get for you!”

(They order ten different, complex cocktail orders.)

Me: “Great, I’ll get these into the bar as soon as possible.”

(Five minutes later…)

Lady: *at drunken table* “Hey! We’ve been waiting for our drinks! Where the h*** are they?!”

Me: “Well, we’re pretty busy and the bar is backed up a bit. Sorry for the delay.”

Lady: *at drunken table* “Well, we sure aren’t impressed with the service here. My husband is a doctor, and he’s on call tonight, so we really need our drinks served promptly!”

Doctor: *at drunken table* “Yesshh, I need my drinksh right nooow!”

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Existential Dilemmas

, | | Right | September 8, 2008

Me: “Hi, Ms. [Boss]’s office.”

Caller: “Hi, is Ms. [Boss] in today?”

Me: “No, sorry. She’s on vacation. Can I take a message?”

Caller: “Yes. Wait… are you an answering machine?”

Me: “Uh… no, ma’am.”

Caller: “Are you sure?!”

 

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Please Don’t Feed The Customers

| | Right | September 8, 2008

(I work on a dinner cruise. As I’m eating a handful of Goldfish crackers and I see a man yelling at me from the gangway.)

Customer: “Hey! Hey you!”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “What’s that you’re eating?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Are you eating NUTS?”

Me: “No, they’re Goldfish.”

Customer: “Oh okay. Can I have some?”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Customer: “Yea, I want some. I’m so hungry!”

Me: “There is food on the boat, sir. Just wait until you get on.”

Customer: “No, but I want what you’re eating–those nuts!”

Me: “Sir, it’s 11:00 at night, I’m working until 5:00 AM, and I’ve been here since 4:30 this afternoon. I have not eaten and will not eat for a while. So no, you cannot have my six Goldfish, as they are MINE.”

Customer: “That’s f***ed up. I can’t have some of that food in your hand?”

Me: “No, no you can’t!”

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