Tech Support, Tier 666

| | Right | September 28, 2008

(Sometimes I get very bored at work and decide to have fun with customers.)

Me: “Hi, what can I do for you today?”

Customer: “My computer isn’t working at all. It seems that something is wrong with it.”

Me: “Okay, let me see what I can do…”

(I place my hands on the computer and in my best imitation of a televangelist.)

Me: “IT IS HEALED! PRAISE THE LORD!”

Customer: “Oh my God, really? Are you serious?! Thank you!”

Me: “No, no I’m not.”

Customer: *completely baffled*

Me: “I hate my life.”

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From Bad To Worse

, , , | | Right | September 26, 2008

(I work in email and chat tech support. One day, an email comes in.)

Customer:

“Hello Miss Sir,

Please send me new one. My wife’s has defected.

Boris”

Me:

“Dear Boris,

Thanks for contacting us. If your wife’s mp3 player is defective, we will be happy to replace it. Please respond with more details on the problem. If you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact us.”

Sincerely,
[My Name]”

Customer:

“Hello Miss,

Yes, send new one. My wife’s has defecated.”

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Sometimes, Even Yoda Isn’t Enough

, , , , | | Right | September 26, 2008

(A coworker and I are sitting in a fairly small booth at the gates of the swimming pool. A sign that reads ‘We Do Not Accept $100 Bills’ is placed right under the sign reading ‘No Refunds Due to Inclement Weather.’)

Customer: “No refunds due to inclement weather, eh? What if it’s nice?”

Me: “Yes, sir, very droll.”

Customer: “All right, it’s for me and my two kids.”

(The customer attempts to pay with a hundred-dollar bill for something that amounts to about $5.50.)

Me: “I’m sorry, we can’t accept hundred-dollar bills.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t accept hundred-dollar bills. Do you have any debit or credit cards with you?”

Customer: “No, but I have this hundred!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but we don’t accept hundred-dollar bills.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

(This repeats for about seven or eight times before I start varying it up a bit.)

Me: “Bills hundred dollars accept we do not.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

Me: “Dollar bills, hundred accept not we do!”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

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It’s Okay, That Character Was Tone Deaf Anyway

| | Right | September 26, 2008

(I’m working in a video rental store renting out Bollywood films when a customer asks about a particular film.)

Customer: “Hi! Can you tell me if this is a good family film?”

(He hands me a Bollywood film called Deewaar.)

Me: “Not really. I mean, it’s got an 18 certificate rating on it, for starters.”

Customer: “Oh. What is it about?”

Me: “It’s about the son of an Indian POW in a prison camp in Pakistan who attempts to rescue him.”

Customer: “Well, that can’t be a bad family film. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Well, I watched a scene where the main character is fighting a bad guy on a train. He sticks his head out of the window and an incoming pole cuts his head off clean.”

Customer: “… does it have good songs in the film?”

Me: “…”

(Note: Bollywood films mainly come with songs. Apparently, people just watch these films for the songs…)

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It’s What’s For Dinner

, , , | | Right | September 25, 2008

Coworker: Welcome to [Fast Food Burger Joint]. What’s your beef?

Customer: “I ain’t got a beef; you got the beef. What’s YOUR beef?”

Coworker: “I got the good beef. You want some beef?”

Customer: “Yes, I want some beef. You gonna bring it?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I’ll bring it. You payin’?”

Customer: “Course I’m payin’. You makin’?”

Coworker: “Yes, we’re makin’.”

Customer: “Good, how much?”

Coworker: “You have to order first, sir.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah…”

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