Problem Is Too Stupid To Recognize It Exists

, , | | Right | October 1, 2008

Caller: “Hi, I want to use my roommate’s computer but it’s not working.”

Me: “Could you describe the problem?”

Caller: “Well, there’s a sign next to it that says, ‘In case of error, PEBCAK.’ Could you explain it?”

Me: *tries not to laugh* “It’s short for, ‘Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard.'”

Caller: “Oh! I get it! Hold on…”

(I hear a loud cracking sound and some faint swearing.)

Caller: “It’s still not working!”

Me: “Er… What did you do?”

Caller: “I took away the wooden bit under the keyboard… Now it’s right over the chair!”

(I actually head-desked after that.)

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You Be Difficult, I’ll Be Ditzy

, , | | Right | September 30, 2008

Me: “It’s a great day at [Furniture Store]! How can I direct your call?”

Caller: “I want to talk to someone about my furniture.”

Me: “Okay. Is it just damaged, or did you want to set up a delivery?”

Caller: “No. I just want to talk to someone about it.”

Me: “Um… did you want to talk to your salesperson?”

Caller: “No. Just someone in the dining department.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but our floor isn’t separated into departments.”

Caller: “I bought it about two years ago. I just want to talk about it.”

Me: “Did you want to talk about it with a manager?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: *stops caring* “Well, I would LOVE to talk about with you! Is it pretty?!”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “Furniture is good! It’s where people sit!”

Caller: *click*

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When Customers Attack, Part 2

| | Right | September 30, 2008

Customer: “Yeah, can I get extra butter?”

Coworker: “Actually the butter is self-serve on the sides of concession. You can help yourself, ma’am.”


Coworker: “Please don’t hurt me!”


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, , , | | Right | September 30, 2008

(Within a few minutes of a family of four sitting down, the fire alarm goes off at our restaurant.)

Me: “Hello, folks, sorry for the terrible inconvenience. I’m sure everything will be cleared up here very soon.”

Customer: “Is this a joke?”

Me: “I assure you this isn’t a joke, unless you find it funny!” *laughs*

Customer: *deafening silence*

Me: “… but I also assure you that there is no fire.”

Customer: “I’d like to speak with a manager, please.”

Me: “Sorry, but my manager is very busy at the moment dealing with the fire department. The drinks are on the house. If you could just sit tight, we’ll be with you shortly.”

Customer: “You know it’s my son’s birthday, right?”

Me: *to son* “Oh! Happy birthday, buddy!”

(I jokingly slide the beer towards the son, which sets the customer off even more.)

Customer: “Get a manager over here, right now!”

(My manager tells me that there is a problem with the ovens that the fire department has to figure out, and that we have to evacuate the building.)

Me: “I’m sorry to inform you that the grills have been turned off and–”

Customer: “How can we order our food, then?”

Me: “Well… yeah, that’s the thing. We have to get everyone out of the building.”

Customer: “Excuse me? We don’t get to eat? It’s my son’s birthday. Is there anything you can do? We are very unhappy with this!”

Me: “Well, the fire department has ordered the evacuation, so I also have to leave the building.”

Customer: “It is my son’s birthday. He is turning 13. How often do people turn 13? Once! You have ruined my son’s only 13th birthday!”

Me: “Sorry, buddy, I hope you get everything you want for your birthday!”

Customer’s Son: “This was my birthday present and you ruined it!”

Customer: “What did you do on your 13th birthday?!”

Me: “…”


Me: “My 13th birthday was eight years ago exactly.”

Customer: *confused*

Me: “How many times do you turn 21? Is this how you spent YOUR 21st birthday? GET OUT BEFORE I SET YOU ON FIRE!”

(It’s was a bitter-sweet birthday present: Leaving work five hours early, but with no money.)


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Movies That Never Should Have Been Greenlit, Vol. I

, | | Right | September 29, 2008

Customer: “I want a free rental on my account for this movie!”

Me: “Was the movie damaged? Did it skip or something?”

Customer: “No, it sucked. I don’t want to pay for a bad movie.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. But we don’t give free rentals on account of bad movies.”

Customer: “But you people should have told me it was bad!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry. But we don’t get to see all the movies we have here.”

Customer: “I don’t give a f***. This doesn’t change the fact I want a free movie!”

Me: “Like I said before, we don’t give free rentals based on bad movies…” *looks at movie* “… or bad taste.”

Customer: “Huh? What do you mean?”

Me: “You rented Ninja Cheerleaders. This would be like me going to a restaurant, ordering a rat on a stick, eating it, and then asking to get the meal free.”

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