Disco Stu Does Not Approve

, | Right | October 12, 2009

(A man walks into our crowded coffee shop and yells at the top of his lungs.)

Man: “EVERYBODY GET DOWN!”

Supervisor: “Oh no, it’s a robbery!” *begins to call security*

Man: “…on the DANCE FLOOR!”

(The man then “dances” up to the front, past shocked customers, grabs a bottle of water, and “dances” out of the store. Security nabs him outside the door.)

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Six Feet Blunder

, | Right | October 12, 2009

Customer: “How much for two graves?”

Me: “Spaces are $900 each, ma’am, so $1800 for two.”

Customer: “There’s no discount for buying more than one?”

Me: “No, ma’am; because we’re deeding you the property, we have to treat each space separately.”

Customer: “So, what if I buy five graves?”

Me: “Because the spaces are $900 each, five would cost $4,500.”

Customer: “Never mind, I don’t want to go in the ground anyway. What about those little crypt thingies that look like New Orleans graves?”

Me: “A personal mausoleum crypt for two people runs at $13,000 including the name plating and vases.”

(The customer inspects our display model.)

Customer: “This thing’s pretty big. I’ll just buy this double one, and there will be enough space for all six of us.”

Me: “Um, no, ma’am. This is for two people. There is only space for two, not six.”

Customer: “I’m not stupid! You people are trying to rip me off! I’ll just tell my kids to put me in the backyard next to the hamster!”

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Not Remotely Intelligent

, , | Right | October 9, 2009

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Tech Support]. May I have your phone number, please?”

Caller: “This thing doesn’t f****** work!”

Me: “Sir, I’ll be happy to help you with that.”

Caller: “Just help me with this f****** thing!”

(Eventually, I find out he needs help with a DVD remote.)

Caller: “The movie doesn’t play! It doesn’t do a f***ing thing!”

(I hear the crunching of plastic as he tries to push the buttons really hard.)

Me: “Okay, sir, so you’re pressing the play button and it’s not working. Correct?”

Caller: “Which one’s the play button?”

Me: “The one that says ‘play’ above it. It should be in the shape of an arrow that’s pointing to the right.”

Caller: “I can’t read any of this s***! I don’t have anything like that. There’s just one that points to the left.”

Me: “Sir, go ahead and turn the remote around.”

Caller: “What, backwards?”

Me: “Yes, so that the other side points at the DVD player.”

Caller: “Oh… it works now!” *click*

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A Customer Without Power Will Make Even Ghosts Cower After The Midnight Hour

, | Right | October 9, 2009

(A few weeks before Christmas at the hotel where I work, a huge snowstorm knocks out the power. I am working the night shift when somebody walks into the pitch-black lobby at about two in the morning.)

Customer: “What the h*** is this?! Where are the lights?”

(I’m hidden in the darkness, although I can see him clearly from the emergency light in the entrance.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “Who said that? Oh, God, this place is haunted, isn’t it?”

Me: “Sir, no. I’m behind the counter. We just don’t have emergency lighting back here.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you!”

Me: “Yeah… what can I do for you, anyway?”

Customer: “I want to check in!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but nobody can check in or out until the power’s back on.”

Customer: “Why the h*** not?!”

Me: “Well, because the computers can’t run without electricity. This includes the key card initializer. Even if I could check you in by hand, I can’t make you a key to get into the room.”

Customer: “Well, fix it!”

Me: “Fix what?”

Customer: “Fix the power! God!”

Me: “Sir, half the city is suffering from a power outage right now. I can’t just fix that.”

Customer: “Sure you can! You’re a ghost! Ghosts turn lights on and off all the time!”

Me: “Sir, I think it’s in your best interest to find a hotel on the other side of town.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll call your manager, too, and tell him he shouldn’t be hiring ghosts! You are so unhelpful!” *storms out*

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Boat, Boat, Boat Your Boat, Gently Down The Stream

, , , | Right | October 9, 2009

Customer: “Hello, sir, I am wondering if you can help me?”

Me: “Sure, what can I do for you?”

Customer: “I’m looking to rent a boat.”

Me: “Sure, what kind would you like?”

Customer: “A boat.”

Me: “Yes, sir, but what kind of boat?”

Customer: *confused* “A boat…”

Me: “Yes, sir, a boat, but what kind of boat? We have three different kinds.”

Customer: “A boat boat!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t know what you mean.”

Customer: “Stupid Canadians! Don’t know what a f***ing boat is!”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry. I just don’t understand your question, but I will go down to the docks with you and help you choose your boat.”

Customer: “Fine!”

(We walk down to the dock and approach a row boat.)

Customer: “That’s the one right there. A boat. You see?”

Me: “Oh, you meant a row boat, sir.”

Customer: “No, that is a boat boat!”

Me: “In Canada, it’s called a row boat.”

Customer: “Jesus, why can’t you Canadians speak regular English like everyone else?!”

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