I Bet It’s Dying From Stupid Owneritis

| Right | April 13, 2008

(I used to work at this cellphone carrier like Vodafone or Cingular and people usually messed up who they were talking to.)

Me: “Good evening, who am I talking to?”

Customer: “Please, call an ambulance!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t make outgoing calls here. Not even for an ambulance. Please hang up and make the call.”

Customer: “You don’t understand. I need an ambulance NOW!”

Me: “I understand. But we can’t call it for you!”

Customer: “Please help me! My cat is dying!”

Me: “Your…what?”

Customer: “My cat! He’s lying on the floor and making weird noises. He’s dying, I need an ambulance.”

(I was never sure if this was a prank call cause the lady sounded pretty serious.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, you really will have to call the vet yourself.”

Customer: “No! I need an ambulance. You can’t refuse to help me like this. I’ll sue you!”

Me: “…for what?”

Customer: “For neglecting help to someone in need! You could have called an ambulance already!”

Me: “You could too if you had just hang up and called somebody yourself, ma’am!”

Customer: “Fine, but if my cat dies, I’ll call you back!” *click*

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Pepperoni And A Side Of Dentures, Please

, , | Right | April 13, 2008

Me: “[Pizza place], what can I get for you?”

Customer: “I’d like a large cheese pizza.”

Me: “Great. Anything else for you today?”

Customer: “Um… yeah. Could you undercook that? Most of the people eating the pizza don’t have teeth.”

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Bird Brained, Part 2

, , , | Right | April 13, 2008

(I had just finished giving a 45-minute tour about a certain “mysterious” spot that causes people to supposedly feel dizzy and stand at strange angles.)

Tourist: “So do the birds feel the effects of the mystery?”

Me: “Well they don’t appear to fly funny, but it’s possible.”

Tourist: “…but do they FEEL the effects?”

Me: “Well, I don’t really know because I can’t exactly ask them how they feel. They are birds.”

Tourist: “I just wanna know if they feel the effects!”

Me: “Hold on, I’ll go ask them.” *walks away*

 

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Step One: Stay Away From The Computer

| Right | April 13, 2008

(I’m meeting a client’s boss face to face, after only contact via email thus far.)

Client’s Boss: “So you are the guy sending technical emails to one of my teams!”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t follow.”

Client’s Boss: “You sent a bunch of emails filled with technical jargon when all they wanted was some help with their system.”

Me: “It wasn’t technical, it was just a step by step guide on how to zip a file and send it via email. I checked it with my colleagues to make sure it was easy to understand.”

Client’s Boss: “But the team wanted to save space on their server, not do programming. You have to understand that many of them are older and don’t understand how to use computers!”

(So they don’t know how to use computers, and yet they use them everyday…scary.)

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It’s A Telephone, Not a Teleporter

| Right | April 12, 2008

(Customer calls in asking about her balance and bank charges. Just to emphasise this conversation take place over a telephone.)

Me: “Your balance is *** amount into an unplanned overdraft but you have until 3pm tomorrow to credit your account and you’ll avoid any charges.”

Her: “Hmmm, well I got some money but I won’t be able to get into my branch tomorrow. Can’t I just pay it in over the phone?”

Me: “From another account?”

Her: “No from the same account.”

Me: “I’m not sure I understand, the account is overdrawn. You needs funds from another source.”

Her: “I know, I have some from my account.”

Me: “You mean cash?”

Her: “Yeah could I do that?”

Me: “No, you would have to go into your branch to pay that in.”

Her: “I just said I can’t make it to my branch! Why can’t you just pay this in? You’re a bank aren’t you?!”

Me: “Excuse me, but just how would you expect me to pay this money in?”

(Silence, during which I would like to imagine she is looking at the money and the phone, trying to jam it in there or something.)

Her: “But it’s from my account! Can’t you just take it off the overdraft!”

Me: “I understand what you’re saying, but unless we invent a teleporter to transfer your money directly into your account it will be impossible for me to take a cash payment.”

Her: “But I’ll be charged! If I get charges I want them refunded, this is ridiculous! I can’t understand why you can’t just put my account in credit!”

Me: *dying a little on the inside* “Me neither, me neither…”

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