Pyromaniac In Aisle 11

, | Right | February 21, 2008

Customer: “What the f**k, you shortchanged me!”

Me: “Ma’am, I gave you the exact amount of change that is on the receipt.”

Customer: “BULLS**T! YOU SHORTCHANGED ME YOU STUPID LITTLE F**K! I DEMAND THAT YOU GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I will go get a manager for you right away.”

Customer: “F**K YOU, YOU LITTLE PIECE OH S**T! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS. YOU WILL PAY!”

(At this point the customer began to storm down the aisles. She lit a cigarette and began setting merchandise on fire. Afterwards she ran from the store because she realized that she had in fact had gotten the right amount of change!)

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Lieutenant BSOD, Reporting For Duty

| Right | February 21, 2008

(Back story: the customer was getting a blue screen of death on their computer.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I was wondering if you could tell me who general failure is and why he is trying to read the C drive on my computer?”

Me: “Ummm…excuse me?”

Customer: “I said that some guy named General Failure is reading my C drive.”

Me: “How did you come to this conclusion?”

Customer: “When I booted up my computer I get a big blue screen that says “General failure reading drive C,” and I demand to know who this person is!”

Me: *stifling laughter* “Okay, if you don’t mind I am going to place you on hold for about 10 minutes while I do an investigation as to who this person is…”

(I placed customer on hold and told my co-workers. We laughed our asses off for 10 minutes.)

Me: “Thank you for holding. I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I was able to find some information for you. The bad news is that I wasn’t able to confirm who this ‘General Failure’ is; I am sure he doesn’t work for us. The other thing is that your hard drive is fried, and I would advise you to try to pull any data you can off the drive and invest in a new one. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Customer: “Um…no thank you.”

(Customer hangs up and we laugh our asses off some more.)

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All [Retail Slaves] Look Same

, | Right | February 20, 2008

(I fix registers and self-checkout equipment at said store. I wear a badge, it states which company I work for and has a picture of me on it. It looks nothing like the name badges the store uses but everyone asks me if I work there or if I can help them. I always answer politely that I don’t and point them in the direction of someone who does. But this time…)

Me: *walking to back of store to fiddle with a printer that was acting up*

Lady: “Can you help us with picking a TV?”

Me: *Looks around* “Me?”

Lady’s Boyfriend: “Yes you, we need some help here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t work here.”

Lady: “Look, I just want to know about some of the features.”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Like I said, I don’t work here.”

Lady’s Boyfriend: “Un-f***ing-believable…I guess this is what minimum wage pays for these days.”

Me: *snorts and starts to walk away*

Lady: “Well who the f*** is supposed to help us now?”

Me: “Maybe you should try asking someone with ***-**** written on their name tag, I’m sure they’d be glad to help you out seeing as they WORK here.”

Lady’s Boyfriend: “This is shoddy customer service! We want to speak to your manager right now!”

Me: *shakes head and walks off*

Lady & Boyfriend: *insert string of obscenities here*

(I saw them 10 minutes later as I was leaving the store, they were complaining to a department manager. I’m sure they were trying to describe me because he had a very confused look on his face. Poor guy.)

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Tomorrow’s Leaders, Indeed

, | Right | February 20, 2008

(I work tech support for a university, and our help desk supports faculty/staff only. On this day, a student walks in.)

Student: “I’m here to turn in my paper.”

Me: “I’m sorry, this is the *** Faculty Help Desk, we don’t deal with student assignments.”

Student: “But I don’t know where to turn it in. Can’t you just turn it in for me?”

Me: “No, if you don’t know where to turn it in, I would certainly not have a clue.”

Student: “But can’t you just take it?”

Me: “No. If you’re really that confused, contact your professor or go to the department office. I’m sure they can help you.”

Student: “But can’t you just take it?”

Me: *blinks in disbelief* “Um…”

Student: “Please, take it!”

Me: “Ok.”

(I proceed to take it and place it in the recycle bin in front of her.)

Student: “Thank you so much!”

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What They Really Think

| Right | February 20, 2008

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid your SIM card has been destroyed due to entering your PUK code too many times. You will have to get a new one.”

Customer: “Ok, thanks.”

(Some moments pass and he hasn’t hung up. I put the phone on mute.)

Customer: “Stupid b**ch!” *miscellaneous other insults*

*mute off*

Me: “Uh, sir, you might want to disconnect the line, I’m still here.”

Customer: “OH F***!” *click*

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