Octomom, The Early Years

, | Right | May 13, 2009

(A middle-aged woman who doesn’t look too well comes up to my checkout.)

Me: “Hi! How are you today?”

Customer: “I think I’m in labour.”

Me: “Oh! Shouldn’t you be in the hospital?” *starts scanning her items*

Customer: “Nah, this is my third one. I won’t go to the hospital until I know it’s coming out.”

Me: “Oh. Um… all right.”

(I finish ringing her up and hand her her bags.)

Customer: “Yeah, it doesn’t hurt or anything. After the first one, you don’t really notice!” *takes her things and leaves*

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Wireless, Clueless and Hopeless

, , | Right | May 13, 2009

(A customer calls into our tech support line and says she is having a problem with her computer.)

Me: “So, do you see an error message?”

Customer: “No, I don’t get any errors. I don’t get anything!”

Me: “Okay, what do you see on your monitor?”

Customer: “I only get a black screen. Can you please fix it? I have a paper due tomorrow.”

Me: “Ma’am, if your screen is black, that means your laptop isn’t turned on. Are there any lights lit?”

Customer: “I don’t see any lights…”

Me: “Well, can you try pressing the power button?”

Customer: “That doesn’t work.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m sorry, but I think there’s a problem with your computer.”

Customer: “That’s impossible! I just bought it!”

Me: “Hmm, strange. Did you charge the battery?”

Customer: “What do you mean, charge it?”

Me: “Well, did you plug your computer in a power socket, with the included power supply?”

Customer: “I need to plug it in? I thought it was WIRELESS!”

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The Chump With The Hump Under Her Rump

, , , | Right | May 13, 2009

(I’m bus passenger and notice another passenger sitting with one half of her butt on one seat, and the other on another. The divider is between them, squarely up her crack.)

Bus driver: “Ma’am, you’ll have to move. This bus is very crowded and you’re taking up two seats.”

Passenger: “What do you mean I’m taking up two seats? This is how you’re supposed to sit.”

Bus driver: “No it isn’t, ma’am. You’re straddling the divider.”

Passenger: “You mean this isn’t the a**-cheek divider?”

Bus driver: “No, ma’am, that’s the seat divider!”

Passenger: “Aw… but it feels good to sit like this!”

Bus driver: “Well, ma’am, your… pleasure… will have to wait.”

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Day Trippy

, , | Right | May 12, 2009

Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am. How many books of these stamps?”

(As I ask the customer this, “Yellow Submarine” by the Beatles begins playing on a nearby radio.)

Lady: “Oh, my gosh! I love this song!”

Me: “That’s great. Now, how many books of–”

Lady: *begins to dance towards the door*

Me: “Uh, okay, ma’am, don’t forget your–”

Lady: *dances out of post office, leaving her purse on the table and the rest of the customers confused*

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The Scenic Route Always Whets The Appetite

| Right | May 12, 2009

(This lady called to place a to-go order. She gave me a phone number with an odd area code, but I didn’t think much of it until this part of the conversation…)

Me: *on the phone* “All right, your total comes to $47.92 and it should be ready in 15 minutes. You know this is the store at [street] and [street] in front of the mall, right?”

Caller: “What? I’ve never heard of those street names. How do I get there?”

Me: “Well, if you can tell me the closest intersection to you, I can give you directions…”

Caller: “I’m at [street] and [street].”

Me: “…ma’am, what city are you in?”

Caller: “…Little Rock…”

Me: “Arkansas?!”

Caller: “What other state would I be in?”

Me: “We’re in Texas. I’m thinking you’re going to want to order from a location closer to you.”

Caller: “I don’t know. Where in Texas are you, exactly?”

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