May We Suggest A Troublemaker Instead

, , | Right | October 29, 2009

Me: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, dear, I was wondering if I could return this coffee machine? It’s not making any coffee.”

Me: “Oh, right. Well, normally you would send it to the manufacturer and they would repair it.”

Customer: “Who?”

Me: “The manufacturer.”

Customer: “But I bought it here. Have a look at it anyway, son.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll have a quick look.”

(I open the box to find the machine wrapped in plastic and only slightly wet, but otherwise as clean as a brand new one.)

Me: “When you tried it out, did you put coffee in it?”

Customer: “Coffee?”

Me: “Yes, did you put coffee powder or granules in it?”

Customer: “No, of course not! Don’t be silly; it’s a coffee machine. It’s meant to MAKE coffee, is it not? Why buy a coffee machine that needs coffee in it to make coffee?!”

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Understating The Obvious, Part 2

, , | Right | October 28, 2009

(It’s a slow day at the mall when a customer walks our store. Two steps in, she puts her fingers in her ears.)

Customer: “Can you turn that music down?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t turn it down, but I’ll ask my manager.”

Customer: “Okay…” *walks to the back of the store with her fingers in her ears*

Me: *to my associate* “Can you go ask the store manager if we can turn down the music? I don’t want a customer shopping with her fingers in her ears.”

(She eventually returns to my counter.)

Customer: “Can’t you turn it down?! I’m the only one here!”

Me: “Ma’am, we’re working on it.”

Customer: “The bass is too loud!”

Me: “We’ll get the volume down for you.”

(My associate walks to the backroom, and as he opens the door the customer continues shouting until he turns down the music. Satisfied, she eventually buys one shirt.)

Customer: “Can I get a gift box?”

Associate: “We only have them at Christmas.”

Customer: “Oh. Then I’ll just come in and look for the two of you at Christmas and get a box.”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t work all the time. If you bring your receipt in, any of the associates will be happy to give you a box at Christmas.”

Customer: “But I want a box from you! You won’t forget me.”

Me: “I meet a lot of people during the week, ma’am.”

Customer: “You won’t forget me!” *circles her face with her hand* “I was the crazy lady with fingers in her ears that asked you to turn the music down!”

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Disappointed By A Lack Of Disappointment, Part 2

, , , , | Right | October 28, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My device won’t charge!”

Me: “Okay, is it plugged in right now?”

Customer: “No, but it doesn’t charge!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, just to cover all the bases, can you plug it back in for me?”

Customer: “Okay, but it won’t charge!” *pause* “G** D*** it! It’s charging!”

Me: “Well, it sounds like it was a one-time glitch, but if it gives you any more problems, please call us right away so we can get it fixed for you, okay?”

Customer: “I’m not going to call you back! You’re just going to make it work again!”

 

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Loosely Based On A True Story

, | Healthy Right | October 28, 2009

Patient: “I think there’s something wrong with my tooth.”

Me: “Can you describe the problem?”

Patient: “Well, I think it’s loose.”

(The patient suddenly spits his tooth onto the counter in front of me.)

Me: “Yes… Yes, I think you’re right.”

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Getting Your Priorities Straight, Part 3

, , , | Right | October 28, 2009

(I work in a store near a drive-through safari. One day, a motorcycle rider comes into the store.)

Manager: “Sir, you can’t go through on a motorcycle; it’s not safe for you or the animals.

Motorcycle Rider: “I’ve been through before in my car and nothing happened.”

Manager: “Sir, there are bears, monkeys, and giraffes wandering loose. You could be hurt. We can’t let you got through. We offer a bus service–”

Motorcycle Rider: “This is discrimination! What kind of place doesn’t allow cycle riders?”

(During this time, a group of bus riders is shopping in the store. One of them speaks up.)

Bus Rider: “Oh, just let him get eaten! That’s a nice bike, and the monkeys and bears will tear it apart anyway.”

Motorcycle Rider: “They’d do that to my bike?!”

(He rode the bus that day.)

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