You’d Better Throw In The Cars, Too

, | | Right | January 5, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Realtors]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’m interested in 734 [Name] Street. Could you tell me more information about it?”

Me: “You must mean 732 [Name] Street?”

Customer: “No, 734.”

Me: “Does the house have a sign in the yard that says [Realtors]?”

Customer: “No, but the one next door does. I figured I’d just call you guys since you sell houses.”

Me: “Has it occurred to you that somebody probably lives in 734 [Name] Street?”

Customer: “Well, yeah, but can’t you just, like… give it to me?”

Me: “You want me to call the family and tell them that they have to leave their house because I’m selling it to you?”

Customer: “Yeah, that would be good. And can I move in by Thursday? I’m all packed.”

(It took a good 15 minutes to explain to him that I couldn’t just sell random people’s homes.)

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The Joy Of Cooking Without Opposable Thumbs

, , , , | | Right | January 5, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me… where is your dog cookbook section?”

Me: “Um… dog cookbooks?”

Customer: “Yes. Where are they located?”

Me: “We don’t have a dog cookbook section in the store. I don’t think we have any dog cookbooks at all.”

Customer: *stares blankly* “You can’t be serious.”

Me: “I’m sorry, miss. I might be able to order-”

Customer: *interrupting* “YOU DON’T HAVE ANY DOG COOKBOOKS? THIS IS RIDICULOUS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY DOG FOR CHRISTMAS?”

Me: “Have you considered a nice set of dog cookware?”

Customer: *storms out*

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Conspiracy Weary

, , , | | Right | January 5, 2009

(When special order books come in, we call the customers, but we don’t normally say the book’s title over the phone. A man came in one day to pick up his special order — some book about 9/11.)

Customer: “I have a complaint about my order.”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Customer: “When the woman called me, she said the title of my book in the message.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, is that a problem?”

Customer: “Well, you see, the government’s tapping my phone. I don’t want them to know that I know what they’re up to.”

Me: “Um… okay, sir. I’m sorry about that. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Customer: “Thanks.”

Me: “Would you like a bag, sir?”

Customer: *starts laughing* “No, thanks. I’m not that paranoid!”

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Just A Little Closer…

, , | | Right | December 31, 2008

(A customer purchased a copy of a popular antivirus program. About 2 hours later I received a phone call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I just bought an [Antivirus Program] from your store, and it’s not working.”

Me: “What about it isn’t working? Did you install the program?”

Customer: “It’s not interfacing with my system.”

Me: “Not… interfacing? I’m not sure I understand what the problem is.”

Customer: “I set the box next to my computer, and it’s not doing anything at all. Nothing is happening on my computer! This program is defective.”

Me: “Um… well, you have to open the box and insert the CD into your computer, then install the program, before it will run.”

Customer: “WHAT?! How do I do that?”

Me: “…”

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I Always Travel By Rocket

, , | | Right | December 31, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Call Center]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “How far are you from Las Vegas?”

Me: “233 miles.”

Caller: “So that’s about what, an hour, hour and a half?”

Me: “Only if you drive about 230 miles an hour.”

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