Best. Grandpa. Ever.

, , , , | Right | November 20, 2009

(I work at a small grocery store owned by my grandpa. It’s in the middle of summer and a customer wearing a thick jacket comes in.)

Customer: “Can I get some cigarettes?”

Grandpa: “Excuse me, would you mind opening your jacket up?”

Customer: “No, why would I do that!”

Grandpa: “Sir, I saw you take that beer. Give it back and we won’t press charges.”

Customer: “That’s crazy, I didn’t take anything!”

Grandpa: “Sir, I–”

(The customer seems like he is about to run, and my grandpa grabs his arm. The customer tries to shove him away, but in the process he opens his coat and reveals the stolen goods.)

Customer: “GET OFF!”

(My grandpa grabs his balls, and begins squeezing them.)

Grandpa: “Just put the beer down, and I won’t pop them!”

(He put the beer down.)

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How About Some TechiFlu

, , , | Right | November 19, 2009

Customer: “Hi, I had my computer looked at there, and you guys said that it’s running slow because there are probably bugs in it. Well, I sprayed some bug spray in it and now it won’t turn on.”

Me: “Ma’am, when they tell you bugs, they mean computer viruses, not an actual bug.”

Customer: “Well, what can I spray it with to get rid of the viruses?”

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Putting Your Foot In It

, | Right | November 19, 2009

(My friend and I are door-knocking to raise money for a charity.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, we’re collecting for [Charity]. Would you like to donate?”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, sure!”

Me: “Thank you, we really appreciate it!”

Customer: *pauses and suddenly glares* “Don’t look at my feet.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “You heard!”

(We can’t help it and sneak a look at her feet. She is wearing frog slippers.)

Customer: “DON’T F***ING LOOK AT MY FEET!”

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Latte In The Translation

, , , | Right | November 19, 2009

Customer: “I want a vanilla iced latte.”

Cashier: “Okay, anything else?”

Customer: “No.”

(I make the drink for the customer and give it to her.)

Me: “Here you are, ma’am.”

Customer: “What is this? It isn’t a vanilla iced latte!”

Me: “Yes, it is, ma’am.”

Customer: “What? No! I said I wanted a vanilla iced LA…TEA!”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean… We do have iced tea.”

Customer: “I wanted a LA-TEA!”

Customer’s Husband: “She wants an iced coffee.”

Customer: “Yes! Why are you people so stupid?! I always say the wrong thing. You should know by now what I want!”

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At Least They Made It To The Paper Anniversary

, , | Right Romantic | November 19, 2009

(I am waiting to bag a couple’s groceries. The man walks to the end of the register and looks me straight in the eyes.)

Customer: *out of earshot of wife* “Let me tell you something.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “If you ever think you love a woman and want to marry her, run away.”

Me: *chuckling* “All right, I’ll keep that in mind. So, are plastic bags okay?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s fine.”

(As I put items into a plastic bag, the man’s wife joins him.)

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, can we actually have paper bags?”

Customer: “I can’t even make this decision?”

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