That’s One Small Kneeprint For Man

, , , | Right | February 24, 2009

(I was in a record store and I overheard this conversation.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a gift for my dad. He likes jazz; who do you recommend?”

Clerk: “Well, Louis Armstrong is pretty popular.”

Customer: “Louis Armstrong? Isn’t he the astronaut? He’s like the first guy to walk on the moon.”

Clerk: “No, no, you’re thinking Neil.”

Customer: “Fine, whatever, the first guy to kneel on the moon.”

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Now Hiring: Omniscient Employees

, | Right | February 23, 2009

Me: “Good morning, this is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi there! About a month ago you guys had a festival in the park, right?”

Me: “Yes, we did. It was excellent. Did you attend it?”

Caller: “No, I had just remembered seeing the ad for it in the newspaper.”

Me: “Okay. Well, that one is over but we will be having another Christmas festival in December.”

Caller: “That’s fantastic, but I was wondering… above your ad was an ad for a jewelry store. Do you remember?”

Me: “No, I don’t; I’m sorry. I just placed the ad. I didn’t really see it in the newspaper.”

Caller: “Well, it was for a jewelry store… I was wondering if you knew what store it was and if you have their number handy?”

Me: “Umm, no, I don’t. Maybe you can call the newspaper and find out?”

Caller: “Well, why don’t YOU have it?! It was above YOUR ad!”

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Way TooOOOOH Much Information

| Right | February 23, 2009

(Someone had left a massager in my department, and a little boy of about four found it and began to experiment with it. He held it up to his dad’s back and pushed the button; when that elicited no reaction, he held it up to his grandmother’s pelvic area and pushed the button.)

Grandma: “OOOOOOOOH! It’s a vibrator! ”

Little Boy: *laughing* “Did it tickle?”

Grandma: “Yes, it tickled! But put it down before you break it and your daddy has to buy it.”

Little Boy: *skips out toward main mall* “It’s a vibrator, a vibrator! I vibrated Granny!!!”

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Customer Service II: The Reckoning

| Right | February 23, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] Communications, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, my cable box in my bedroom is not working.”

Me: “Okay, I can talk a look at that for you. How is it not working?”

Caller: “Look, I just want to watch Eragon in my room…”

(I finally figure out that the box will not take the signal we are sending.)

Me: “It looks like we will need to get a tech out there to replace the box.”

Caller: “Why?”

(I try to explain that the box is refusing the signal and that we need to switch the box. This goes on for five minutes before I give up and try an alternative answer…)

Me: “Um… the box has gone rogue and is no longer taking instructions from us. We need to bring it back in for training.”

Caller: “Oh, that makes sense! Why didn’t you just say that?”

Me: “…”

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Better Off Popular

, , | Right | February 23, 2009

(I am a lifeguard and jumped in to help a boy who had wandered into deep water. This interaction happens with his mother after I help the boy out of the water.)

Mother: *running over* “What happened?!”

Me: “Everything is OK, ma’am. Your son just went too deep into the water. He should be fine.”

Mother: “Well, why the h*** did you help him?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Mother: “Why did you have to jump in and help him?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s my job, and your son was having trouble swimming–”

Mother: *interrupting* “You idiot! You embarrassed my son in front of everyone! Don’t you think you should have thought about how embarrassing that must have been for a little boy?!”

Me: “Actually, no I didn’t think about that. I was more concerned about your son drowning than him being embarrassed.”

Mother: “That’s ridiculous! Why the h*** would you ever be more concerned about THAT?!”

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