The Bigger The Lie, The Higher They Fly

, , , , | | Right | March 30, 2009

(The captain of our aircraft has stepped off to get some paperwork while customers are boarding. One passenger looks up front and turns to our flight attendant.)

Passenger: “Why is there only one pilot up there?”

Flight Attendant: “She is the first officer. The captain will be back in a bit.”

Passenger: “Can they fly the plane with only one pilot?”

Flight Attendant: “The other pilot will be back in a moment. He is taking care of some paperwork.”

Passenger: “Why are there two seats if there is only one pilot?”

Flight Attendant: *gives up* “Well, sir… actually, she is just setting up the airplane and telling it where to go. In a few moments, she’ll push the start button and leave. The plane will fly us all the way there with no pilot at all.”

Passenger: “Oh! That’s neat!” sits down, apparently satisfied*

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Cultural Diversity Is A-Dora-ble

, , , | | Right | March 30, 2009

(A customer wearing very affluent clothing walks over holding a “Dora the Explorer” plush doll.)

Customer: “Hello, can you help me?”

Me: “Certainly, what I can I do for you?”

Customer: “I’m looking one of these, but in white.”

Me: “Oh, you mean like this?” *shows the customer a similar plush toy but wearing a white dress*

Customer: “NO! NO! One that is WHITE!”

Me: *puzzled* “I’m sorry, but this is the only other one we have in stock… Did you see it on our website? Was it another style of clothing?”

Customer: “NO! WHITE, LIKE ME!” *points at her face*

Me: “You mean… a Caucasian Dora?”

Customer: “YES! Where do you have them?”

Me: “Ma’am, Dora was designed to help people from different backgrounds come to understand their common ground; Dora therefore doesn’t come in a different skin tone. She is what she is.”

Customer: “WHAT? That is RIDICULOUS! Give me a WHITE DORA!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am, but they simply don’t exist…”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll take my business elsewhere!” *storms out*

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Perspiring & Persistent

| | Right | March 30, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Good afternoon, this is ***, *** speaking, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for a present for my girlfriend. She plays soccer a lot, and I was wondering if you carry Febreeze for her soccer shoes.”

Me: “Uh, yes sure we do.” *start to list varieties*

Customer: “That’s good. I really hope she likes it. Would you like it?”

Me: “Well, it depends on your girlfriend, sir. I may not enjoy the gift, but if you said that she needs it for her soccer shoes then she probably will.”

Customer: “She says she sweats a lot.”

Me: “Oh, well, soccer is a very physical game.”

Customer: “Do YOU sweat a lot?”

Me: “…um, no, not particularly.”

Customer: “So you would not like this gift.”

Me: “No sir, but I’m not your girlfriend.”

Customer: “Would you like to be?”

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How To Tell You’ve Lowered Your Standards

, , | | Right | March 30, 2009

(I am finishing checking out an elderly man’s purchases when this exchange happens.)

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Customer: “When you’re 85 years old and you wake up with a pulse, and your next door neighbor isn’t hitting you over the head with a shovel, you’re having a good day.”

Me: “…”

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Meet Satan Clause, Santa’s Maladjusted Brother

, , | | Right | March 30, 2009

(A customer walks in about 30 minutes before we close on Christmas Eve. We are closing early due to the holiday. Every customer that night is buying last minute gifts.)

Me: “Hello, what can I help you find?”

Customer: “A converter box.”

Me: “Sure, let me show you what we have.”

Customer: “What’s this $40 off crap?”

Me: “If you go to DTV.gov, you can get a coupon for $40 off.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s some mail-in rebate scam. Nevermind…”

Me: “Okay, shall I ring this up for you?”

Customer: “You seem to be in a bit of a hurry. What’s the rush?”

Me: “It’s Christmas Eve, and we close in 15 minutes. I want to get the store ready to close so I can leave as soon as possible.”

Customer: “You’re closing early for what?”

Me: “Christmas Eve.”

Customer: “Wow, they give you guys time off for anything these days!”

Me: *facepalm*

Manager: *facepalm*

Another Customer: *bursts out laughing*

Customer: “What!? Ugh, fine! I’ll take the box!”

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