The Sun Is Such A Slacker Sometimes

| Right | July 1, 2008

(We shot a wedding after dark and in the rain last year. When the happy couple met with me to pick up their photos the conversation went like this…)

Bride: “I am so disappointed that there are no beautiful sunset pictures, like on your website.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, but if you remember correctly the weather was terrible, and you got married in the dark.”

Bride: “Yeah, but we paid you a lot of money!”

Me: “I would charge a lot more money if I could turn back time and change the weather.”

Bride: “All of the other weddings we saw on your website have beautiful sunsets!”

Me: “We took those photos at sunset, before it got dark, and it wasn’t raining.”

Bride: “I’m sick of your slick excuses. You have an answer for everything!”

(This conversation went on, round and round like this for an hour. The mom called and we had the exact same conversation!)

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Over-Utilized Word, Under-Utilized Noggin

, , | | Right | July 1, 2008

(This happens at our video rental store the weekend that Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull comes out. We have received copies of the older three movies so people can get caught up on the series.)

Customer: “Hey, I have an issue with your movie.”

Me: “All right, what’s wrong?”

Customer: “We sat down to watch it yesterday night, and it started jumping around and froze up.”

Me: “That’s fine. I can just grab another one off the shelf and–”

Customer: “No, no, no, you don’t understand. We had the family together for this, and we bought popcorn from here that we were not able to properly utilize. ”

Me: “So… what do you want me to do?”

Customer: “I want these two buckets for free and a free rental.”

Me: “Well, you’ll be getting another Last Crusade for free–”

Customer: “No, no, no. Another credit on the account, and this popcorn because ours was not properly utilized. We put it in the microwave under the assumption that the movie was gonna work.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t give you a free rental if we have the Last Crusade in, and I can’t give you that popcorn.”

Customer: “Is there a number I can call for the popcorn? We were supposed to see the new one tonight, but we can’t because you guys don’t check your movies before you give people popcorn.”

(So, to diagram his thought process: if a customer is renting a movie, withhold popcorn depending on quality of DVD. I get my manager.)

Manager: “What’s up?”

(The customer gives the same story with more emphasis on his family, and uses the phrase “utilize the popcorn properly” three more times.)

Manager: “Wait, did you eat the popcorn?”

Customer: “Well, yeah, we utilized it.”

Manager: “Then stop using five-dollar phrases and tell us you ate it!”

Customer: “Fine, my family ate it. Do we get them for free now?”

Manager: “No, because you bought and ate popcorn, like it’s supposed to be utilized.”

Customer: “What number can I call?”

(We gave him the number for our regional manager. We heard the next day that he called the regional manager, who laughed at him on the phone and hung up.)

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Poodle Bites Woman, Claims Insanity

, , , | | Right | July 1, 2008

(I’m outside walking a small poodle before her bath.)

Passing woman, to the poodle: “Oh, what a pretty kitty! Hello, kitty!”

Me: “…”

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Mr. Anal And Mrs. Retentive Go To Scotland

| | Right | June 30, 2008

(A South American customer and his wife are browsing in a souvenir shop where I work; note that it’s located in Scotland.)

Customer: “Hey, why do you have mugs here with England written on them? I’m not in England… Why would I buy a souvenir mug with the English flag on it?”

Me: “Well, you don’t have to buy an England one. We have plenty mugs with Scotland written on them, too.”

Customer: “I can see that! I’m not stupid!”

Me: “I didn’t mean to imply you were, sir.”

Customer: “Well, you did. I just wonder why the h*** anyone would want to buy a knick-knack from a country that has a different country’s name on it. What’s the point?”

Me: “I really don’t know what to tell you. We’ve just always stocked those mugs.”

Customer: “I don’t see the point.” *calls to his wife, who comes over*

Customer: “There are England mugs in a Scotland shop!”

Customer’s wife: “Wow, that’s really f***ing stupid. What’s the point? Ask the girl.”

Customer: “She doesn’t know. This is so stupid.”

Customer’s wife: “She’s stupid. ”

(His wife puts down the Loch Ness Monster teddy she is holding and walks out of the shop. He turns back to me.)

Customer: “You should know things like that. You do work here. What’s the point?!”

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Caught Brown Handed

| | Right | June 30, 2008

(In the Chinese restaurant where I work, we have little bottles of soy sauce on every table. They look like they’re tightly closed, but the top actually doesn’t close at all. A lady and her daughter finish dinner and are leaving.)

Me: “Excuse me madam, but I’m afraid the soy sauce is restaurant property. You can’t take it.”

Mother: “You calling me a thief? I want to speak to the manager! This will cost you your job, you little b****!”

Daughter: “Um, mum…”

Me: “The manager is not in right now, but if you want the sauce, it’s on sale at the front of the restaurant.”

Mother: “You’ve got some nerve! I never even touched your stinking sauce, you c**! Call the manager now!”

(Several customers are starting to giggle and the daughter looks like she’s about to die.)

Me: “Maybe you have taken the sauce without noticing? Because I’m sure you touched it at some point.”

Mother: “You’re sure? I tell you I didn’t touch it! You can’t treat your customers that way! You telling me you’ve been spying on me or something?”

Me: “Certainly not. But the huge brown stain on your purse is hard to ignore.”

(Her daughter drags her by the arm and they storm out the front door, leaving a sticky trail of soy sauce from the mother’s cloth purse. I laughed so hard I didn’t even mind them stealing the sauce.)

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