Coming Soon: Public Troughs

| Right | March 20, 2008

(A customer comes up to the counter to drop off laundry. Without warning, she sticks her hand into my cereal bowl, grabs a handful, and starts crunching. A confused look crosses her face.)

Customer: “What on earth is this?”

Me: “That’s my breakfast.”

Customer: “Oh, excuse me–I thought it was a snack.”

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Captain Obvious’ Evil Twin

| Right | March 20, 2008

(My coworker is approached at the till by a woman, somewhere in her 40s.)

Customer: “How long does your one-hour service take?”

(My coworker looks at me, and without missing a beat…)

Me: “A week.”

Customer: “Oh, nevermind then.” *walks off*

(The coworker and I look at each other and start to laugh.)

 

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The Bare Truth

| Right | March 19, 2008

(I worked the front security gate at a local amusement park during the summer. It has a water park inside, so people come through in bathing suits, and sometimes less. A guest walks through the metal detector and it flashes red.)

Me: “Do you have anything metallic on you sir? Like maybe your car keys, a watch? Something like that?”

Guest: “No, I didn’t drive here, my friend did.” *points to his friend and walks back through the gate*

Me: “Surprise, it flashed red again. Are you sure you don’t have anything metallic on you?”

Guest: “NO! I told you I didn’t drive here!”

(He began to take off his shorts and shirt before I could say anything; he had nothing but a speedo on underneath.)

Me: “Umm, what’s that?”

(He drops the speedos in front of the crowd.)

Guest: “Those are my keys, I put them in my bathing suit so I wouldn’t lose them on the rides.”

Me: “Please pull your pants back up, and those do count as something metallic, just so you know for next time.”

(He walks into the park with his friends, and now I have a line of guests who all assume I will make them strip…awesome.)

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Why Honesty Is Not Always The Best Policy

, , | Right | March 19, 2008

(Years ago I was working the closing shift at a local convenience store. It was late when a very elderly man came in and bought a six pack of beer, cigarettes and condoms. After ringing up the sale…)

Me: “Have a good night, sir!”

Man: “Oh, I will. The missus is out of town!”

Me: *shocked and speechless*

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Meatheaded

, | Right | March 19, 2008

Me: “Hi, welcome to [local and independent burger joint]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Hi…what’s on your combination burger?”

Me: “A beef patty, sauce, onions, pickles, cheese and a chopped bacon patty.”

Customer: “… And what’s on your mushroom burger?”

Me: “A beef patty, mushrooms and mushroom sauce.”

Customer: “…so what’s the difference?”

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