Pride Goeth Before The Balls

, , , , | Right | February 2, 2010

Customer: “I want to adopt this dog. When can I take him home?”

Me: “He’ll have to be neutered before he can go home. You can take him home in the afternoon.”

Customer: “Wait, why does he have to be neutered?”

Me: “Well, this is an animal shelter. All these animals are homeless and we don’t want to add to that with any accidental breeding.”

Customer: “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! A dog like him could produce some great pups.”

Me: “Well, it’s our policy. He will be neutered before he leaves this building. It’s required.”

Customer: “Will you guys at least put in fake implants? At least then he can keep his dignity.”

Me: “Um… I don’t think we do that sort of thing.”

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Cup Is Half Full, Brain Is Sadly Not

, , | Right | February 2, 2010

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Do you have decaf?”

Me: “We do. What size would you like?”

Customer: “Well, I was wondering if I could have half decaf and half regular?”

Me: “Sure thing.”

Customer: “If I do that, which one will be on the top?”

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How Not To Get Into Their Good Books

, , , | Right | February 2, 2010

Me: “Hi, thanks for calling [Bookstore]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, how much are your books?”

Me: “What book were you looking for?”

Caller: “No, your books. How much are they?”

Me: “They are all priced differently. Are you looking for one in particular?”

Caller: “No.” *click*

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Unobservant About The Unmentionables

, , , , | Right | February 2, 2010

(It’s my first day at work, and I’m putting away packages of little girls’ underwear. I don’t know the section, so I walk around for several minutes, holding the packages of underwear, trying to figure out where they go. A customer walks up with two of her kids in tow.)

Customer: “What the h*** are you doing?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “I can’t believe this! You’re disgusting. This is a public place, you pervert!”

Me: “Uh, miss–”

Customer: *jabs me in the chest with a finger* “You’re a filthy pervert! This is appalling! People can see you, you know!*

Me: “Ma’am, I work here.”

(I point to the logo on my shirt and my lanyard with my name tag on it.)

Customer: “Oh. My. God. I am so sorry!” *runs out of the store with her kids*

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Re-Vamping Dracula

, , , , , | Right | February 2, 2010

Customer #1: “Hi, I need to get a refund for this book. You gave me the wrong book.”

Me: “Didn’t you ask for Dracula?”

Customer #1: “No! I read this book and it is nothing like the movie.”

Me: “Actually, Francis Ford Coppola completely re-wrote the story when he filmed his version of Dracula. I can help you find that version, if you’d like.”

Customer #1: “No! I want the Van Helsing version.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer #1: “Yeah, in Van Helsing, Van Helsing is the main character and he fights Dracula and Frankenstein.”

Me: “That film is a complete work of fiction. Van Helsing never fought Frankenstein or Frankenstein’s monster.”

Customer #1: “Yes, he did! The movie said so! What do you know?”

Me: “Bram Stroker was a little boy when Mary Shelley died, so she never read Dracula.”

Customer #1: “I think you are lying. The movie and Hugh Jackman would never lie!” *storms off*

Customer #2: *overhearing* “I hate Hollywood.”

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