What’s Black And White And Dumb All Over

, , | Right | May 29, 2008

Customer: “I would like to get a portrait of my dog done.”

Me: “Okay, sure. I would love to do that for you.”

Customer: “Do you always do your portraits in black and white? Because I would like it in color.”

Me: “Sorry, no… I just work in pencil.”

Customer: “So you can’t do color?”

Me: “No, all my portraits are done in graphite pencil. I don’t paint or anything.”

Customer: “Aww. Well, I really wanted it in color, but, oh, well… I guess…”

(She then proceeded to hand me a picture of her pure white dog with a black nose.)

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Bull In A China Shop

, | Right | May 29, 2008

(Back story: our local government has banned Grand Theft Auto 4, but this was never publicly announced. I put up a sign that said in big letters “GTA IV IS BANNED AND IS NOT AVAILABLE FOR SALE”.)

Me: “Good evening, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I wanna buy Grand Theft Auto 4.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that game is unavailable as it is banned in Dubai.”

Customer: “So… how much?”

Me: “It’s banned. You can’t buy it in the country.”

Customer: “Ahh, wait, I see the sign. Sorry, I didn’t notice it before…”

(He spends several minutes studying the sign intently.)

Customer: “Can you reserve a copy for me or what?”

Me: “Sir, you cannot buy it. If I even had a copy and sold it to you, it would be illegal… do you understand?”

Customer: “So, I can’t buy it?”

Me: “That’s correct.”

Customer: “Well, I think you’re keeping it for yourself!”

Another Customer: “Hey why don’t you just leave? The guy said you can’t buy one and the huge sign explains why you can’t.”

Customer: “Look f***er! I just want the game so give it to me before I seriously hurt you!”

Me: “Just piss off, alright? I don’t have it and I wouldn’t sell it to a prick like you anyway. Now get out of my shop!”

(The other customers in line applaud and cheer.)

Customer: “Well gee, sorry… you don’t have to be so rude!” *walks out*

(My blood pressure is just returning to normal when the original customer suddenly runs in COMPLETELY NAKED. Before we can react he grabs a Guitar Hero 3 guitar that is on display and proceeds to HIT ME ON THE HEAD WITH IT. My customers in line jump him and we eventually subdue him. We call the police and he was never seen again. I lost 1000 dollars worth (about 3000 dirhams, our local currency) in broken merchandise.)

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Yes But No But Yes

, , , | Right | May 29, 2008

(A customer calls back to complain about an order of pizza that I, the manager, had made and she had just received.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I am legally blind and my mother is looking at my pizza and saying the pepperoni, sausage, and green pepper pizza is missing the sausage.”

Me: “So, your pizza is missing the sausage?”

Customer: “Mom, it’s missing sausage, right?”

Mother: “Well… no. It has plenty of sausage on it… but there is a slice with just pepperoni!”

Customer: “My mom says it has plenty of sausage on it, but there is a slice with just pepperoni.”

Me: “So, a slice has nothing but pepperoni on it?”

Customer: “Mom, a slice only has pepperoni, right?”

Mother: “Well… no, it is evenly spread out… but there are mushrooms on this pizza!”

Customer: “My mom says it is evenly spread out, but there are mushrooms on this pizza.”

Me: “So, there are mushrooms on the pizza?”

Customer: “Mom, there are mushrooms on that pizza, right?

Mother: “Well, no…”

Customer: *to me* “I’m sorry to have taken up your time…”

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Full Of Sound And Fury

| Right | May 28, 2008

(We have a ridiculously long phone greeting, and sometimes we get into the habit of saying it in a way that it does become a little slurred together, but we’ve been getting it slowed down so customers can hear.)

Me: *says essay of a phone greet*

Man with loud booming voice, practically yelling: “FIRST OF ALL YOU NEED TO TALK SLOWER! I AM ON A CELLPHONE!”

Me: “… sorry?”

Man: “SECOND OF ALL, I NEED TO ORDER A LAMP!”

Me: “Sure thing, what kind and how many?”

Man: “HOLD ON, TALK TO MY DAUGHTER. SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING I WANT!”

(I hear him yell across in the same booming voice to get his daughter to order the lamp for him. They bicker for a minute before I hear her and get the order placed.)

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Nothin’ Like Some Tough Lovin’

, , , | Right | May 28, 2008

(I work for an Internet billing company that mostly does work with porn sites.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Consumer Support]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I got some charges on my card, and I wanna know what the heck’s goin’ on.”

Me: “No problem, sir. If I can get the card number, I’ll be happy to help out.”

(He gives me his card, and I go through the process of looking it up and getting his info.)

Me: “All right, sir, it looks like I have a subscription here to [Porn Site]. Is that familiar?”

Customer: “Yeah, I know that. Hold on a sec. RANDY!”

(I hear him shouting at someone in the background, and then the sounds of someone getting the ever-loving crap beaten out of them.)

Customer: “OK, I done took care of the charges. Can you cancel that for me?”

Me: “Sure… I’ve canceled it from further billing now for you.”

Customer: “All right. You have a nice day.” *click*

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