Wet The Appetite

, , , , | Right | September 21, 2010

(A young woman approaches the front register with a dead Siamese fighting fish in a cup.)

Customer: “I want a refund on my fish. All the fish I buy here keep dying! This is my third replacement. I don’t understand what could be wrong except that you sell sick fish!”

Me: “I’m very sorry for that, miss. I assure you we give all of our animals, including our fish, excellent care. Could you describe to me anything you noticed wrong with your fish before it passed away?”

Customer: “Well, when I first get one it’s completely fine. I change the water once a week, add water conditioner, and it seems happy and healthy. Then, after a couple of weeks it starts looking really sickly and one day it just dies for no apparent reason.”

Me: “Okay, well what were you feeding it? Was it eating well?”

Customer: “Feeding it? These kinds of fish eat?”

Me: “Yes, of course they do. Everything needs to eat.”

Customer: “Wow, really?! I thought they just ate the water.”

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PEBCAK, Episode IV

, , , | Right | September 20, 2010

(The head of a department wants her word processor upgraded to the latest version.)

Manager: *on phone* “Okay, I’ll send [My Name] over to upgrade you. Please back up all your documents, because he’s going to delete the existing version and install the new one.”

(I go to her office.)

Me: “Hi, I’m here to upgrade [Word Processor] for you. Have you backed up your documents?”

Customer: “Of course I have.”

Me: “Great!”

(I wipe out the existing directory and install the new version. A few minutes before I get back to the faculty computing center, the phone rings.)

Customer: *on phone* “Where are all my letters and papers? They’re all gone!”

Manager: “[My Name] says you backed up your documents.”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t know what you guys meant by that. I didn’t want to look stupid, so I said yes.”

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Empty Cans, Even Emptier Stomachs

, , , , , | Right | September 20, 2010

(My friends and I are going door-to-door collecting cans for a food drive at our church.)

Me: “Hello, we are collecting cans of food for [Church]. Would you like to donate?”

Teenage Girl: “So you guys take cans. What about pop cans?”

Me: “No, we only take canned foods.”

Teenage Girl: “Are you sure? I have some pop cans I don’t need.”

Me: “No, we only accept canned foods.”

Teenage Girl: “Okay, I’ll be right back.”

(The girl closes the door and bangs around inside for a couple of minutes. Then she opens the door with a handful of cans.)

Teenage Girl: “Here are the cans. I grabbed some pop cans, too.”

(We look at the cans she gave us, and realize that they are all empty.)

Teenage Girl: *to her mom* “I took out the recycling, Mom!”

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They Cry Real Tears Too

, , , | Right | September 20, 2010

(I watch as a customer unfolds every single shirt at a table, holds it up, and then puts it back. She walks to the next table and I begin refolding the shirts.)

Customer: “Oh, wow!”

Me: “Is something wrong, ma’am?”

Customer: “No, nothing. I just didn’t realize they got real people to fold the shirts!”

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Thankful For A Thankless Job

, , , , , | Right | September 20, 2010

(I am working behind the concession stand on Thanksgiving day.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “Can I buy some of that food over there?”

(They point to the employee’s Thanksgiving food we have to eat between shows.)

Me: “No, sir, I’m sorry. It’s not for sale.”

Customer: “Why not? That’s ridiculous.”

Me: “Our families brought us that food for Thanksgiving since we have to be here instead of celebrating with them. I can’t sell it to you.”

Customer: “You’re so selfish!”

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