Ah, Marriage

, | Right | May 27, 2008

Me: “Hi, welcome to [pizza restaurant], would you like to hear about our specials?

Customer: “I was wondering if you could make your Delite pizzas in the family size.”

Me: “I apologize, but we only serve the Delite pizzas in the large.”

Customer: “… but I want the Delite in the family size.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the thin crust only comes in the large size.”

Customer: “I don’t want the large size! I want the family!”

(I hear her husband yelling at her in the background.)

Customer’s husband: “She already told you they don’t make it in the family size!”

Customer: “I know that. But I want the family size.”

Customer’s husband: “JUST GET THE LARGE!”

(The couple continues to argue for a minute or so before I interrupt them.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but is there something else we could get you?”

Customer: “NO! I DON’T WANT YOUR GODD**N PIZZA!” *slams down phone*

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Oh Customer, Wherefore Art Thou

, , | Right | May 27, 2008

(I was working as an usher on the door, directing people to their seats.)

Customer’s Daughter: “We’re lost, Mummy.”

Customer: “I know. How do we get out of here?”

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, we’re lost.”

Me: “Lost?”

Customer: “Yes, we can’t find our seats.”

Me: “You’re in C12 & 13. That’s the back row, the two seats in the middle.”

Customer: “Oooooh, okay…”

(I watched as she looked for their seats. She stared right at them… then looked over the edge, up to the balcony, and even at the chandelier! They finally settled down in the nook seats at the side that have zero visibility. I worry about our audiences sometimes.)

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Cue Dramatic Music

, | Right | May 26, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a personal pan pizza for my son.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we’re all out of personal pans for the day. Can I get you something else?”

Customer: “No! I guess my son will just have to go ahead and STARVE!”

Me: “…”

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Crazy To Go

| Right | May 26, 2008

(Late night in a very crowded restaurant, a lady cuts in front of me and stands in the well, blocking me from getting my drinks for my tables.)

Bartender: “Ma’am, you cant stand there. Please move over to the side and I will help you.”

Lady: “I just want to get some food to go.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, please move over to the side of the bar and I can help you.”

Lady: “Can I get some food to go?”

(At this point there are three servers who are now blocked from getting their drinks from the well.)

Bartender: “Ma’am, we only do take-out orders from 5:00-6:00, or an hour before closing.”

Lady: *blank stare*

Me: “Excuse me, may I squeeze by you? I have to get my drinks for my tables.”

Lady: *turns to me* “I want to order some food to go!”

Me: “We only do food to go from 5-6. Or an hour before closing.”

Lady: “What? I need to get some food to go!”

Bartender: “Lady! You need to move out of the service well! I can’t get you any food to go right now!”

Lady: “But… but… I need to order some food…”

Me: “Right. Food to go. But we don’t do that right now.”

Lady: “Why not?”

Other Blocked Servers: “Are you f**king kidding me?”

Bartender: “Ma’am, if you will please just move to the side, I will ask if we can get you some food to go.”

Lady: “Thank you. I dont understand what’s wrong with you people!”

Me: “Ma’am, can you please scoot over? Please?”

Lady: “I’m not going anywhere until I get my food to go!”

Manager: “Is there a problem?”

Lady: “I’m trying to order food to go and your crappy staff won’t help me!”

Manager: “Well, we don’t do food to go right now.”

Lady: “This is bulls**t! I’ll have your f**king job! I want my food to go NOW!”

Manager: “Why don’t you get the h*** out of here right now before I call the police?”

(She stormed out and the entire bar started cheering and clapping.)

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Gotta Love Those Magic Dongles

| Right | May 26, 2008

Me: “Welcome to the IT service desk. You’re talking to ******. How may I help you today?”

User: “I can’t log on to VPN.”

Me: “OK, how does the problem manifest itself?”

User: “I get a wrong user name or password error.”

Me: “Right. What’s the serial number of your VPN dongle?”

User: “Well, it keeps changing.”

Me: “…”

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