Guess The Magician & Clowns Are Out Too

, | Right | May 7, 2009

(I work at a party store that sells balloons. A middle-aged woman comes up to me and the following takes place.)

Me: “Hello. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Do y’all sell, like… balloons for funerals?”

Me: “I’m sorry… what?”

Customer: “You know, like balloons for a funeral. Like, ‘Sorry For Your Loss’…?”

Me: “Um… no.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks!” *leaves*

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Go Directly To Jail, Do Not Pass Test

, , | Right | May 7, 2009

(My mom and I are leaving from the place where I took the test to get my driver’s license when we see another car drive in. A man steps out of the car and talks to the lady in charge of giving the driver’s test. )

Driver: “I’m here to take my driver’s test.”

Employee: “Who drove you here?”

Driver: “I drove myself.”

Employee: “You drove yourself here to take the test to get your driver’s license?”

Driver: “Yes.”

Employee: “That could be a problem…”

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Eternal Persistence Is The Price Of Coffee Or Tea

, | Right | May 7, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, can I get some coffee?”

Me: “Sure, decaf or regular?”

Customer: “Oh! Sugar, too, please!”

Me: “Not a problem. Decaf or regular?”

Customer: “None of that sweet and low stuff. Real sugar!”

Me: “Yes, sir. Decaf or regular?”

Customer: “Oh, and milk, too!”

Me: “Absolutely. Decaf or regular?”

Customer: “But not skim, or whole, or 2%. You got any half and half?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Good!”

Me: “Right. Coffee with sugar and half and half. Do you want decaf or regular?”

Customer: “Make sure there’s not too much milk. Gotta be a bit strong.”

Me: “Right. Decaf or regular?”

Customer: “Oh, and lots of sugar! I like it sweet… but not too much milk!”

Me: “Decaf or regular?”

Customer: “Oh, bring out some extra sugar, would you? Just in case.”

Me: *gives up* “Okay, one decaf coffee, half and half, extra sugar?”

Customer: “No, REGULAR! Geez, I swear… people just don’t pay attention anymore!”

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A Dawning Realization Of One’s Dimness

, , | Right | May 7, 2009

Me: “Okay, that will be $5.93 for the cigarettes.”

(The customer hands me a five-dollar bill, puts the cigarettes in her pocket and starts walking off.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but you didn’t give me enough money. You only gave me $5 and the total was $5.93.”

Customer: “Yeah, I gave you five.” *points at the money*

Me: “Yes, but the total is five dollars and ninety-three cents.”

Customer: *angrily* “Yeah, I gave you five dollars!”

Me: “It’s not enough. I need about a dollar more. Would you like to get something different or cheaper maybe?”

Customer: “No, I want this one!”

Me: “Well, I can’t sell these to you when you don’t have enough to pay for it.”

Customer: “Well, what am I gonna do?”

Me: “Go home and get more money?”

(Her expression suddenly brightens.)

Customer: “Oh! Yeah, okay! I’ll go do that I’ll be right back!” *gives cigarettes back and leaves cheerily*

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Putting the Dumb In Wisdom

| Right | May 7, 2009

(I’m at my university’s computer help desk and have just fixed a problem on a student’s laptop.)

Me, to student: “…okay, that should get you online.”

Student: “Great, thanks!”

(A random student passes by, seeing the laptop.)

Random Passerby: “Wow! That laptop is huge!”

Me: “Erm…”

Random Passerby: “I bet you could use it as a weapon to smash someone’s head in!”

Me: “Uhh…”

Student: “Erm…”

Random Passerby: *walks off*

Me, to student: “Well, I bet you didn’t know THAT about your laptop.”

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