My Biggest And Loudest Fan

, | Right | May 13, 2009

(I worked for a university, calling alumni to ask for donations.)

Alumnus: *on the phone* “Do they monitor your calls there?”

Me: “Sometimes. That’s how they evaluate me.”

Alumnus: “Are they monitoring this call right now?”

Me: “I’m not sure; it’s at random times to keep me on my toes.”

Alumnus: “Well, just in case — SHE’S DOING A GREAT F****** JOB, BIG BROTHER!”

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The Scenic Route Always Whets The Appetite

| Right | May 12, 2009

(This lady called to place a to-go order. She gave me a phone number with an odd area code, but I didn’t think much of it until this part of the conversation…)

Me: *on the phone* “All right, your total comes to $47.92 and it should be ready in 15 minutes. You know this is the store at [street] and [street] in front of the mall, right?”

Caller: “What? I’ve never heard of those street names. How do I get there?”

Me: “Well, if you can tell me the closest intersection to you, I can give you directions…”

Caller: “I’m at [street] and [street].”

Me: “…ma’am, what city are you in?”

Caller: “…Little Rock…”

Me: “Arkansas?!”

Caller: “What other state would I be in?”

Me: “We’re in Texas. I’m thinking you’re going to want to order from a location closer to you.”

Caller: “I don’t know. Where in Texas are you, exactly?”

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This Barter Be A Good Deal

, | Right | May 12, 2009

Me: “OK, so this suit will be $500.”

Customer: “Oh wow – that’s way too much. Can you take the price down?”

Me: “No sir, I can’t do anything about the price.”

Customer: “Well…how about I give you my watch?”

Me: “…are you serious? I can’t do that.”

Customer: “How about my watch?”

Me: “All right. You give me your watch, two of your daughters, a goat and a chicken, and the suit is yours.”

Customer: “OK, deal!”

(The customer walked out of the store. He never came back.)

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The Grim Reaper Goes Shopping

| Right | May 12, 2009

(I am stocking our stationary section, and a customer walks up to me.)

Customer: “Do you sell condolence cards?”

Me: “No. Perhaps try Target or Walmart?”

Customer: “I’m looking for them in bulk.”

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Atone For Sins, Make Peace With Maker, Close Phone Account

, , | Right | May 12, 2009

Me: “How may I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like to close my account.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry to hear that, but I can assist you with that right here. May I ask why you’re closing your account today?”

Customer: “What? You don’t know?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t.”

Customer: “It’s the Armageddon!”

Me: “Uh, well, okay, ma’am. I’ll get your account closed right away… Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Customer: “Watch your back, young lady! You’ll see! The Armageddon’s coming, make no mistake!” *hangs up*

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