This… Is… Spyware!

, , | | Right | December 9, 2008

Customer: “Hi, my son says that I have Spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys.”

Me: “Ma’am? Spartans?”

Customer: “Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have Spartans.”

Me: “Oh! You mean trojans! That’s a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we’ll see what’s going on.”

Customer: “Young man, my son is in college and he says it has Spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about.”

Me: “You’re right, ma’am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn’t Spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around.”

Customer: “300?! Is that bad?”

Me: “It’s horrible. They cram themselves into a bottleneck and kill wave after wave of data, until there is a wall of dead programs blocking any more traffic through your computer.”

Customer: “Oh, that just figures. I’m going to go buy a new computer.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I think that would be best.”

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Wictor Wictoria

| | Right | December 9, 2008

(I used to work for a call center that handled an American credit card account. My coworker relayed the following transaction to me.)

Customer Service Rep: “Okay, I have your account here; could you verify your full name please?”

Customer: *garbled name*

CSR: “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t quite catch that… could you spell it for me please?”

Customer: “T…O…Wee…”

CSR: “Sorry, was that P?”

Customer: “No, Wee.”

CSR: “E? As in Eagle?”

Customer: “NO! Wee! Wee!”

CSR: “I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand…”

Customer: “Wee! As in Wictor! As in WICTORY!”

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Shoot First, Ask Questions Later

| | Right | December 9, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “I am seeing ‘Searching For Satellite Signal’ on all of my receivers.”

Me: “Well, usually that is caused by the dish being a little bit out of alignment. Could you go outside and tell me if the dish appears to be moved, or if there’s anything different about it at all?”

Customer: “There are holes everywhere in the dish.”

Me: “Holes?”

Customer: “Yeah, there were a bunch of birds on the dish last night so I shot them off.”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, this would be considered abuse and it will cost you $80 to get a technician over there to replace the dish.”

Customer: “Why? It’s your equipment. I didn’t do anything wrong!”

Me: “Sir, you shot the dish. You ruined it. In all actuality, that dish is yours to keep. If you ever leave us you get to keep the dish, and you also get to keep the dish you shot.”

Customer: “Well, I’m still right!”

Me: “Well, you still have to pay the $80.”

Customer: “What would I use that old dish for anyway? Why can’t you take it?”

Me: “We do not retrieve old dishes due to policy. I hear you could use it as a nice sled, though.”

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It’s Gonna Be A Long Call, Part 4

, | | Right | December 8, 2008

(I was helping a customer sign into their email.)

Me: “Okay, I need you to type ‘A’ as in ‘Apple’.”

Customer: “Now, don’t get all technical on me!”


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I’ll Take Some Chocolate And My Baby’s Daddy, Please…

, | | Right | December 8, 2008

(I happened to be on call-quality monitoring when one of my coworkers got this call.)

Coworker: “Thank you for calling **** Gifts, my name is ****. How can I help you?”

Caller: *with a thick accent* “Do you have anyone there that speaks Spanish?”

Coworker: “No, I’m afraid we do not. Is there anything I can do for you, ma’am?”

Caller: “Where is my check?”

Coworker: “…your check?”

Caller: “Yes, where is my check?”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I don’t think I follow–”

Caller: “Where is my child support check?”

Coworker: “Ma’am, we sell candies and cookies. We don’t have your check.”

Caller: “WHY NOT?!”

Coworker: “…Because we’re a gift-ordering service. We don’t handle child support checks.”

Caller: “Well, can you give me the number to the child support check people?”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I don’t know what that number is. We aren’t connected with them in any way.”

Caller: “WHY NOT?!”

Coworker: “…”

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