Speechless

| | Right | April 8, 2009

(To start off, I’m male, as is my customer.)

Me: “Alright, one medium latte, less hot. Anything else for you today, sir?”

Customer: Don’t make it too hot! If you make it too hot, I’ll spank you, and you’re going to like it!

Me: “…”

Customer: “I’m so hungry, I going to go home and stick something in my mouth, and I don’t care what it is!”

Me: “…”

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Speak For Yourself, Part 3

, | | Right | April 8, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Yes, may I help you?”

Customer:“What is this?”

Me: “A t-shirt.”

Customer: “Who’s the d*** picture of?”

Me: “That’s Grizzly Adams, sir.”

Customer: “No, it’s Charles Manson! How can you sell this in your shop? It’s disgusting!”

Me: “It’s not my shop.”

Customer: “You work here, why don’t you find a real job that doesn’t promote murderers and killing!”

(The customer hands me a card: “Bill ***, Army Recruiter.”)

 

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Best Idea I’ve Heard All Day

| | Right | April 8, 2009

(The receptionist at our computer repair store is handling a customer at the front desk.)

Customer: “Can you fix my laptop screen? There’s a big black mark on it.”

(The customer opens the laptop to show a cracked screen.)

Receptionist: “How did that happen?”

Customer: “I closed it, but there was a beer bottle lid inside. It went weird after that.”

Receptionist: “We can repair it for you, but it will cost approximately $1,000 as this is physical damage and not covered by warranty.”

Customer: “I am not paying $1,000 to repair a stupid laptop! You are trying to rip me off, you little b****! It’s under warranty! I know my rights!”

Receptionist: “I am sorry, sir, but we cannot replace the LCD under warranty and you will have to pay for it yourself if you want it replaced.”

Customer: “I’m not paying, so you can go f*** yourself!”

Receptionist: “That’s the best idea I have heard all day, thanks! I’ll go do that right now.”

(The receptionist goes around corner and into back room.)

Customer: “What the f***?!” *leaves, slamming door*

Receptionist: “Is he gone?”

Manager: “Yes, are you finished?”

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The Good Excuses Have All Dried Up

| | Right | April 7, 2009

(This phone call happened a month after hurricane Ike came through, and one of our clients missed his court date.)

Me: “Sir, why did you miss your court date?”

Client: “I’m not going back to jail! I missed court because I’m not back from the evaporation yet.”

Me: “Uh…what?”

Client: “I had to evaporate up north.”

Me: “…really? Evaporate? How did you do that? Was it painful?”

Client: “No! We rode a bus! What don’t you understand about having to evaporate?! I’m not going back to jail!”

Me: *sigh*

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Be Careful What You Ask For, Part 4

| | Right | April 7, 2009

Customer: “Yes, I’ll have a beer and my wife will have a diet cola.”

Me: “Sir, we have over 80 beers to choose from. Did you know which one you wanted? Maybe I can make a suggestion for you.”

Customer: “Just bring me whatever you like.”

Me: *returns with beer* “Here you are, sir.”

Customer: “This isn’t what I ordered! Let me speak to your manager.”

Manager: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “This little a**hole brought me a beer I didn’t ask for.”

Manager: “What did you order? I’ll go get one for you.”

Customer: “I said to bring me whatever it is he drinks.”

Manager & me: “…”

Customer: “Oh…”

 

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