DIY Sales

, | | Right | March 27, 2009

(A woman comes up to the counter where I am manning the register. She has her teenaged daughter in tow.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, we’re just going to get this dress for my daughter. She’s going to her homecoming dance. She finally has a date. For a while we thought she was a lesbian, but then–”

Customer’s daughter: “MOM! ”

Me: “Right then. That’ll be $56.99.”

Customer: “What?! That sign said it was 50% off!”

Me: “Er, I don’t think so. Let me check the system… Sorry, ma’am, our system says it’s full price.”

Customer: “That’s crazy! I saw it with my own eyes!” *walks off*

(I wait on several more customers before the woman comes back, holding a sign that says 50% off, obviously handmade with a marker and a piece of paper.)

Customer: “See? I told you so.”

Me: “Ma’am, where did you get that sign?”

Customer: “I just got it off the rack.”

Me: “Ma’am, those signs are welded to the rack. It’s apparent you just made that.”

Customer: “I’m going to sue you for false advertising!”

Me: “And we’ll sue you for trying to screw us over.”

Customer’s daughter: “Mom, just stop.”

Customer: “We’re leaving!”

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The Last Days Of Rasputin

, | | Right | March 27, 2009

(I’m a graphic designer for a small sign shop. When the customer service rep leaves for lunch I’m stuck running the front desk for an hour. Since I mostly work in the back, I’m only trained on how to take orders and payments. On this fateful day the CSR was out sick and the owner had to step out for about ten minutes to run an errand. A man with a thick Russian accent steps into the shop.)

Customer: “I need these now.” *throws a book of zodiac signs down on the counter*

Me: “Okay… what is it you need?”

Customer: “These! These! I talk with your father earlier about this and I need now!”

Me: “Um… my dad doesn’t work here. Do you mean my boss?”

Customer: “Whatever. He said you have done today.”

Me:“Well sir, we are pretty busy right now and we don’t usually guarantee a sign in the same day. I could have it to you tomorrow at the earliest.”

Customer: “I need this, this and this. Now. He said he get them now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t really know what you spoke to him about, but he will be back in a few minutes and you can speak with him personally about it.”

Customer: “I need now! He said he get them now! You go make them now!”

Me: “Tell me what you want and I will do my best to make them for you.”

Customer: “He knows. He’ll tell you. Go make them.”

Me: “I told you he is not here right now. If you want to leave the book here, I will talk to him about it and get the order together for you.”

Customer: “DO YOU HAVE LIFE?!”

Me: “Did you just ask if I have a life?”

Customer: “LIFE! LIFE! DO YOU HAVE IT?!”

Me: “Um… yeah. I have a life. It’s in the back of the shop. Please leave.”

Customer: *shouts something in Russian and storms out the door*

Coworker: “What the h*** was that all about?”

Me: “I really don’t know!”

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Self Overflowing Prophecies

| | Right | March 27, 2009

Customer: “I’d like a large coffee.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $1.84. Would you like me to leave some room for cream?”

Customer: “Yes, please.”

(I bring her the coffee with a little bit of room at the top.)

Customer: “You didn’t fill my coffee all the way full!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I thought you wanted some room for cream.”

Customer: “I do, but I don’t want you scamming me out of any coffee! If I pay $5 for a cup of coffee, I want my money’s worth!”

Me: “But ma’am, I can’t fill the cup all the way to the top if you want to put cream in the coffee. It will spill over.”

Customer: “I don’t care, just fill it!”

(The customer goes around the corner, out of my view to the cream and sugar counter. She comes back 45 seconds later with a large coffee stain on the front of her shirt.)

Customer: “LOOK AT ME! YOU MADE ME GET COFFEE ALL OVER MYSELF!”

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When Stupid People Attack

| | Right | March 26, 2009

Customer: “Hey, you!”

Me: “How can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “These bears are extremely boring. I paid money to see the animals move around.”

Me: “It’s very hot today, ma’am. Bears don’t like to move around much on hot days, and they sleep at least 16 hours out of the day anyway.”

Customer: “I don’t care if it’s hot outside. Why won’t they do anything?”

Me: “Ma’am, the bears are not required to move around for your entertainment.”

Customer: “Well, they should be!”

Me: “They’re wild animals, ma’am. If they don’t want to move around, they don’t have to.”

Customer: “I want to see your superior! Maybe he will understand!”

Manager: “What seems to be the problem here?”

Customer: “These bears are boring!”

Manager: *tells her what I said about hot days*

Customer: “Go poke them or something. Make them move!”

Me: “You’re asking me to go into an enclosed area with a group of thousand-pound carnivores, and poke them with a stick so that they can amuse you?

Customer: “Yes! Just make them do something!”

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Driven By Fear, Threats & Minimum Wage

| | Right | March 26, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling customer support.”

Customer: “Hi. I need some help figuring out this thing. I’m not very familiar with electronics.” *pause* “YOU’RE A FRAUD AND I’M GOING TO THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “Excuse me, sir, I don’t believe that’s necessary. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, my friend said you’d only be useful if I scared you. How do I charge my unit?”

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