Some Questions Should Never Be Asked, Part 3

| | Right | April 23, 2009

(I work for forensics and often a lot of phone calls about DNA results and what they mean.)

Me: “Good morning, DNA Management Section, *** speaking.”

Customer: “Hi, I got this DNA notification thing. I don’t know what it means.”

Me: “Those are the results for the buccal swab you had done. It’s just for your records to show that you had a buccal swab taken and your DNA was analysed from it.”

Customer: “What do all these letters and numbers mean?”

Me: “That is the sequence for your DNA. The scientists at forensics will use those numbers to match your DNA profile to other samples on the DNA database.”

Customer: “But what do they mean?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I am not qualified to explain this to you. I can however forward your call to Forensics SA, and they will be able to answer your query. All I can say is that the first part is your sex. XX means female and XY means male.”

Customer: “It says XY… so that means I’m male, right?”

 

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Hopefully His Poop Is Invisible Too

| | Right | April 23, 2009

Customer: “Just give me ketchup and mustard on the cheeseburger.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am.”

(I start to put the ketchup on the burger.)

Customer: “I didn’t ask for ketchup! I want a free cheeseburger now!”

Me: “Oh, I thought you did…”

Customer: “No, I didn’t. Give me a free cheeseburger.”

(I send the other cheeseburger back.)

Customer: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Getting you a new one?”

Customer: “What? Why?” I’m going to eat that one!”

Me: “Well, we can’t give you a free hamburger if you’re going to eat the new one.”

Customer: “Well, it’s for my baby.”

Me: “Ma’am, your order is for here, and you don’t have a baby with you.”

Customer: “Maybe it’s an invisible baby!”

Me: “… have a great day, ma’am.”

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Super Absorbent For Those Mentally Heavy Days

| | Right | April 23, 2009

(An elderly man calls up to the store.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my granddaughter came to visit me, and she bought me a birthday gift. It’s on the kitchen table, but I’m not sure what it is.”

Me: “OK, well, what can you tell me about the product?”

Customer: “Well, the box says ‘K-O-T-E-X’ – can you tell me what that is, honey? What it’s used for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: Well, sir…that’s a feminine hygiene product.”

Customer: “Feminine hygiene? What’s the product for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: “Sir…it’s for women on their period.”

Customer: “Why would my granddaughter buy me Kotex?”

Me: “I don’t know sir, maybe you should ask her that.”

Customer: “So can I still use them to stir my Kool-Aid with? Because that’s what I’ve been using them for.”

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Insanity Comes Through Loud And Clear

| | Right | April 22, 2009

(This guy calls in and gets the wrong department. The correct department is in another city, or perhaps country.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t access your account from my department. If you’ll let me put you on hold, I’ll transfer you to someone who–”

Customer: “No! Every time I get put on hold I get dropped.”

Me: “Well, I can’t help you unless you let me put you–”

Customer: “Stop interrupting me!”

Me: “I… I’m not–”

Customer: “Yes, you are! Do we have to start using the over-and-out method?”

Me: “I’m not sure what–”

Customer: “After everything I say, I say ‘over.’ Then you can talk. Then you say ‘over,’ and I can talk.”

Me: “I’m not really sure that’s necess–”

Customer: “Now, I need to put more minutes on my phone. Over.”

Me: “I’m in the post-paid department and I can’t access prepaid accounts here. If you’ll let me transfer you I can get someone who can help you. Over.”

Customer: “No. I refuse to be put on hold. Just get someone to come over and use your phone.”

(There is a long pause.)

Customer: “Hello? Are you ignoring me?” *another long pause* “HELLOOOOOO!”

Me: “You didn’t say ‘over.'”

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It’s A Miracle She’s Still On The Ground…

| | Right | April 22, 2009

(A very angry customer storms up to the counter at the party shop I was working at.)

Customer: “These balloons are no good! I spent all afternoon blowing them up, and none of them will float!”

Me: “What did you fill them with?”

Customer: “What do you mean? I just blew them up, and none of them will float.”

Me: “Did you fill them with air or helium?”

Customer: “Air.”

Me: “They won’t float unless you use a helium tank.”

Customer: “NO! Look, it says on the packet, ‘Helium Balloons’.”

Me: “…”

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