Not Dyed Dark Enough, Apparently

| | Right | June 20, 2008

(My father does all sorts of contracting work from plumbing to construction. This is a phone call he had with a customer whose home he’s worked at before.)

Customer: “I went to take a shower and there’s no hot water in the bathroom. I want you to come over and fix it.”

Him: “No hot water? Is there any water coming from the faucet at all?”

Customer: “Well, I turned it a little bit and no water came out!”

Him: “Okay. Go into the kitchen, and turn on the tap in the sink there. Tell me if you get any water. ”

Customer: *long pause* “… okay, I get water on this tap.”

Him: “Is it running hot?”

Customer: “Yes, it is.”

Him: “Well, the hot water is all on the same line, so the kitchen sink and the shower should have hot water. Are you sure you turned the tap on far enough?”

Customer: “Now listen here! I may be blond but I dye my hair! I have dark roots, you know! I’d know whether or not I turned on the tap far enough, and I know I did!”

(She hangs up, and a few minutes pass. The phone rings again.)

Him: “Hello?”

Customer: “The hot water’s working in the shower now. I just didn’t turn on the tap for long enough…”

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Red + Blue = Purple (Bruises)

, | | Right | June 20, 2008

(It’s a slow night at our fast food/sandwich shop, so we’re chatting with the customers. ¬†This particular customer is a regular, and is discussing birthday presents with my coworker.)

Customer: “Yeah, I got my kids guns for their birthdays!”

Coworker: “How old are they?!”

Customer: “In their 20s.”

Coworker, shocked: “But guns kill people!”

Customer: “Well, they may need to protect themselves someday, you know.”

Coworker: “From what? Wild animals?”

Customer: “No, from Democrats!”

(My coworker gets very offended, and a rather loud debate ensues between them as I try helplessly to control my laughter.)

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Who Needs History When You Have Hollywood

| | Right | June 20, 2008

(A tourist walks up to my register with a handful of trinkets. I ring her up, she pays, I bag the items, and hand her the coin change. As she steps away, I see a dollar still on the counter.)

Me: “Ma’am, you forgot the rest of your change.”

Tourist: “Oh! I guess I did, unless you were paying me in pesos.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Tourist: “Pesos. The money in Mexico.”

Me: “I know what a peso is, ma’am, but I’m not Mexican.”

Tourist: “Puerto Rican?”

Me: “Not even close.”

Tourist: “Cuban?”

Me: “No.”

Tourist: “What are you, then?”

Me: “I’m Native American.”

Tourist: “So am I.” (She’s white as notebook paper.)

Me: “No, I mean the people here before white people.”

Tourist: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You don’t know about Natives? Indians?”

Tourist: “Oh, you mean the people John Wayne killed off.”

Me: “Just take your change.”

 

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Think Unpoopy Thoughts

| | Right | June 20, 2008

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “We’re looking at the toilets. What does the ‘flush rating’ on the box mean?”

Me: “That indicates the amount of flush power.”

Customer: “But what is it measuring?”

Me: “It’s just a general rating to give you an idea of the power of the flush on this model.”

Customer: “And the picture of the basket of golf balls on the box?”

Me: “This is just an illustration claiming this toilet can flush a full bucket of golf balls without clogging.”

Customer: “I worked in an old building once, and whenever I would use the toilet there it would clog up.”

(I smile blandly and pray she doesn’t continue.)

Customer: “Maybe the golf ball toilet would be good then. I mean, if it can handle a whole basket of balls… right?

(My smile wanes, and I hope she doesn’t start describing shape, color, consistency.)

Customer: “Well, food for thought I guess. Oh, dear, I shouldn’t say ‘food’ when it comes to toilets!”

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On The Plus Side, You Can Cuss All You Want

| | Right | June 19, 2008

Me: “Can I start you off with something to drink?”

Half-deaf customer: “I’D LIKE THE FISH!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, can I get you something to drink?”

Half-deaf customer: “HE’LL TAKE THE STEAK!”

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