Barely Scratched The Surface

, | | Right | December 16, 2009

Customer: “Hello, young man, can you help me?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Where do you keep your scratch?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Scratch! Where do you keep it? I need some to make pie!”

Me: “I’m not sure that I’m clear on what you need. Can you tell me what you are going to use it for?”

Customer: “My husband says that I need to make pie from scratch for Christmas, so I need to buy some scratch for the pie.”

Me: “Ma’am, that just means that you buy the ingredients and make the pie yourself.”

Customer: “I don’t have time to make pie myself! I need some scratch!”

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Not Born Yesterday

| | Right | December 15, 2009

(As a general rule, we refuse to tattoo anyone has had a baby in the last three months.)

Me: “Okay, so you’re getting this name?” *spells it out to check correct spelling*

Customer: “Yeah, can I get her date of birth underneath, too?”

Me: “Sure, what is it?”

Customer: “19th September.”

Me: “Um, today is the 24th November.”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “So, your daughter isn’t 3 months old yet. We can’t tattoo you for another few weeks. We explained this when you arranged your appointment and you told us she’d be 3 months old.”

Customer: “She’s 3 months old.”

Me: “She can’t be, this is the 11th month. She was born in the 9th month. So she isn’t 3 months old.”

Customer: “She’s 3 months old.”

Me: “No, she’s 2 months old. She was born in September, so she’ll be 3 months in December.”

Customer: “Wait. So she’s not 3 months old?”

Me: “Not for another month.”

Customer: “Oh.”

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Smooth Whipped Criminal

| | Right | December 15, 2009

(We’d just opened one Sunday when a man comes in and robs us at gunpoint. During the robbery, the robber makes us lock the doors so no customers can come in. After he leaves, we were so upset that we didn’t think to unlock the doors. While we wait for the police to arrive, another man knocks on the door.)

Customer: “Are you open? I’d like to get a coffee.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we’ve just been robbed at gunpoint, so we’re a little freaked out.”

Customer: “Well, did he steal the coffee? I can still get a latte, right?!”

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He Prefers The Strong And Silent Type

| | Right | December 15, 2009

(An older customer enters the restaurant and walks straight to the bar where I’m drying glasses. Note that I’m female.)

Me: “Yes sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: “No, that won’t do.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “That’s a weak mentality. None of this, ‘Yes sir, no sir,’ business. You need to have confidence in yourself, men don’t like women without confidence!”

Me: “Uh, I’m sorry sir. See, my job is–”

Customer: “Still with the yes sir, no sir! I don’t like it. Stop it!”

Me: *says nothing*

Customer: “Better.” *walks off to a table*

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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Gobble Grunt Gobble

, , | | Right | December 15, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if you guys sold male chicken?”

Me: “We do sell chicken, but I am not sure we know the gender.”

Customer: “But someone told me that you guys sold male chicken for Thanksgiving dinners.”

Me: “Thanksgiving dinner? Are you talking about a turkey?”

Customer: “Yeah! The male chicken!”

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