Picky Python

| | Right | February 2, 2009

(A lady comes in with an 8-foot boa constrictor draped over her shoulders.)

Customer: “Where is your cookie aisle?”

Me: “No! No! No! You cannot bring that in here. You have to leave.”

Customer: “Why? He won’t hurt you.”

Me: “I’m terrified of snakes for one, and also, it’s a health code violation.”

Customer: *walking closer to me, as I slowly back away* “That’s crazy! I’m not leaving, and you can’t make me. Plus, he’s not on the floor or touching anything in the store, so how can it be a health code violation? Now, where are the cookies?”

Me: “It’s a health code violation because no animals are allowed in a store where food is served, unless they’re service animals, and that’s not a service animal.”

Customer: “You’re crazy!”

Me: *calling to manager* “Can you please come out here, NOW?!”

Manager: *walking over* I’m sorry ma’am, you’re going to have to take the snake outside. You can come back in only if you get rid of it.”

Customer: “I’m not leaving the snake outside; I’m going to get the cookies.”

Manager: “Ma’am, you’re terrifying my employees and customers, and it’s a huge health code violation. If you would like, you can tell me what kind of cookies you’d like and hand me your money, and I’ll go get them for you.

Customer: “I’m afraid that’s not going to work either. My snake here likes to pick out his own cookies.”

Me: “…”

Manager: “Then I’m afraid we can’t help you and you must leave.”

Customer: “I’m going across the street, and telling the police station you won’t let me shop with the snake. This is an outrage, and this isn’t the last you’ve heard of me!”

(We never saw her again.)

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Not-So-Great Expectations

| | Right | February 2, 2009

(It was Memorial Day, and my restaurant happened to be open, although business was very slow. I then received a phone call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, can you tell me if **** restaurant is open today? *naming a competitor*

Me: “Uh, I really don’t know if they’re open. You know you called ****, right?”

Caller: “Of course I do, I just assumed you would know if they were open.”

Me: “Ma’am, we’re not affiliated with them. We really don’t keep track of what other restaurants in the area do with regard to their business hours.”

Caller: “You’re not being very helpful. I think there should be something you should be able to do.”

Me: “Have you tried calling them?”

Caller: “Of course I’ve tried calling them. I’m not an idiot.”

Me: “What did they say when they answered?”

Caller: “No one picked up. I called four different times, and no one answered.”

Me: “Well, that probably means that they’re closed today. If no one is working there, I mean.”

Caller: “I just want to make sure – can you send someone over there to check?”

Me: “Um, no, we can’t.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “Because we work here. I can’t send an employee out of the restaurant to drive down the road and find out if a competitor is open today. If you really want to find out, I suggest you drive there yourself.”

Caller: “I’m not going to waste my time and drive to a restaurant where no one answered the phone! My time is valuable.”

Me: *losing patience* “Clearly.”

Caller: “Look, I don’t see why this is so difficult. Just send someone down there to see if they’re open. It’s not like you’re working today.”

Me: “Actually, we are working. Our restaurant is open today.”

Caller: “Oh, do you have any specials?”

Me: “…”

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Do Not Doubt The Credibility Of The Map

| | Right | January 30, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Travel, this is ****, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Um, yes. You’re located in Alaska, right?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Is that near Hawaii?”

Me: “No, sir. Not at all.”

Customer: “Yeah, I wanna talk to a manager. This map shows y’all are right next to each other, and I wanna know why one’s so dang hot and the other’s so dang cold.”

Me: “Sir, you’re actually reading the insets on a map of the continental United States. Alaska and Hawaii are several thousand miles apart.”

Customer: “I don’t believe you.”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

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Education Is No Guarantee

| | Right | January 30, 2009

Customer: “A packet of cigarettes and some gum, please.”

Me: “I’ll need an ID for the cigarettes, sir.”

Customer: “What? Why?!”

Me: “If you look under 30 we need an ID.”

Customer: “But…why?”

Me: “It’s against the law to sell cigarettes to underaged persons. If there’s any risk of it, I need to check IDs or any other proof of identity, such as a driver’s license, passport, etc.”

Customer: “But, like, WHY?!”

Me: “It’s against the law. I could be fired or fined, and you’d get a penalty as well.”

Customer: “Yeah, but WHY?!”

Me: “It’s illegal, sir.”

Customer: “WHY?!”

Me: “Because…smoking is dangerous.”

Customer: “What?! Why?”

Me: “It has a lot of poisonous chemicals and known carcinogens in it.”

Customer: “Your cigarettes have carcinogens in them? Eww, I’m not buying these.”

Me: “Sir, the packet clearly reads “SMOKING KILLS”. Wasn’t that a hint?”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’d sell CARCINOGENS. That’s just…ugh. Just give me some gum!”

Me: “Um… okay, sir, which flavor and brand?”

Customer: “Any flavor, any brand… umm, do you have that nicotine gum stuff?”

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Bacon, Lettuce and Taxes

| | Right | January 30, 2009

Me: *after completing an order* “Thank you; your total is $8.28.”

Customer: “$8.28? How is that? The #2 meal is $6.99, and it’s only 69 cents to make it a large! That’s not $8.28.”

Me: “Umm…there’s a 60 cent tax.”

Customer: “I didn’t order no tax!”

Me: “No, there’s a tax on the food.”

Customer: “But I don’t want tax on my sandwich!”

Me: “Sales tax?”

Customer: “Oh. OH! Sorry.”

Associate: *to me* “For the love of God, was she serious?!”

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