A Smokin’ Deal

| | Right | September 28, 2009

(A customer comes to me with a package of brownies with a “Special!” sticker on the top.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “Why are these brownies “special”?”

Me: “They’re the bakery’s special of the week. They’re on sale now through Saturday.”

Customer: “So, there’s nothing different about them?”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean.”

Customer: *winking* “They’re not…’special’ brownies?”

Me: “Oh! No, sorry, they’re just normal brownies.”

Customer: “Never mind, then.” *sets down the container and walks away*

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To Give Credit Where Debit Is Due

| | Right | September 28, 2009

Me: “Your total is $79.82.”

(The customer hands me her debit card.)

Me: “Slide your card in the machine please.”

Customer: “I already did.”

Me: “Did you really? It doesn’t say you did.”

Customer: “It’s talking to you? I think it’s lying!”

Me: “I’m sorry, could you slide it again.”

Customer: “Fine.” *slides card*

Me: “Select a ‘Payment Type’.”

Customer: “What is that?”

Me: “The type of card you are using.”

Customer: “Oh, debit.”

Me: “Okay. Push debit.”

Customer: “What is a PIN?”

Me: “The 4 digit password.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. What is it?”

Me: “I don’t know ma’am. It’s supposed to be private.”

Customer: “Oh, well, just whisper it…I won’t tell anyone.”

Me: “Just press credit.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Here’s your receipt. Have a nice day!”

Customer: “But I didn’t type in my PIN number.”

Me: “It’s fine ma’am. You are done.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(Customer sees my manager as she is leaving.)

Customer: “That young lady was wonderful! She gave me free groceries.”

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Digging Your Tree Out Of A Hole

| | Right | September 28, 2009

(I’m a landscaper paying a visit to a customer; he had called in complaining about a 5-foot sapling I had planted that was now dying.)

Me: “What’s up with the tree?”

Customer: “It died, see? Lemme show you!”

(I follow the customer back to his lawn and notice that the sapling we planted a couple weeks ago was now apparently two feet tall and very dead.)

Me: “Sir, what happened to this?”

Customer: “It was going to get too tall so I decided to bury it deeper.”

Me: “You buried it deeper?”

Customer: “I dug it out, dug a deeper hole until it was the right height and then buried it again. Now it’s dead!”

Me: “Sir, you do know you weren’t supposed to do that, right? If you wanted a smaller tree, you should have gotten a shrub.”

Customer: “But I want a small plum tree!”


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If At First You Don’t Succeed, White Lie Again

, | | Right | September 28, 2009

(Note: I help callers with connection problems with our wireless zones along train lines.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I can’t access your network!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. Let me help you. Where are you currently, sir?”

Caller: “I’m traveling in between [City] and [Other City].”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir, but there is maintenance being done in that zone. You will have to wait 20 minutes until you are back in a working zone.”

Caller: “What can I do?”

Me: “Just wait until the train is a bit farther on, and you will have a connection again.”

Caller: “This is terrible! Where’s your manager?”

Me: “Sir, it’s four am, so I’m the only one working.”

(The customer hangs up, but then calls back again.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “F***!”

(Once again, he hangs up, and once again, he calls back.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “F***!”

(Again, he hangs up, and again, he calls back.)

Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Look, I have some important stuff to watch here. Can you fix the Internet?”

Me: “If you just wait ten minutes sir, your Internet will work again.”

Caller: “So, in my zone, there’s no Internet?”

Me: “That’s right, sir.”

Caller: “Can’t you move the satellite so I do have Internet?”

Me: “You want me to go into space and move the satellite?”

Caller: *cheerily* “Yeah, that’s right!”

Me: “Um… Well, that might take me a little bit of time, sir. I’ll have to call NASA, and they’re very busy these days.”

Caller: “Oh. How long do you think it’ll take?”

Me: “About ten minutes.”

Caller: “That’s great! Thank you.” *hangs up*

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Solid Answer

| | Right | September 25, 2009

(Our store phrase is “filled with love” and is printed on all of our products.)

Customer: “So‚Ķ. if I bite into this… Will love pour out?”

Me: “No, it’s solid love.”

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